My first thought was: "Are you really un-able to let down the defenses, or has there been things in your current relationship that has kept you from lowering the fence, or made you put it back up, in the first place?"

It is common for people to choose situations where we can be the way we have learnt to be - if that is "defensive", then you might actually have chosen a partner that keeps you feeling like you need your defenses - it is the dance we have learnt so well, that we are familiar with, and so we might choose it, even if it seems unhealthy.

Are you in a setting where you find yourself thinking you are crazy for not feeling safe? Or are you in a setting where things have happened that makes it really scary to let the defenses down?

If I am way out of line and this is a relationship with great potential and no baggage, then I suggest you find the courage to talk to your partner about how you feel. Explain your fears, your fears of driving them away - make sure they know what is going on, and I highly doubt you can ruin a good relationship. The right partner will love and care about you enough to support you in bad times - just as long as they understand what is going on and you don't shut off on communication.

Easier said than done - opening up can be scary. If talking to them is too scary, then try to write them a letter instead - it may seem stupid, but it is way better than not communicating at all.

Carus it is a good relationship. My partner cares very much about my needs and wants but I seem to have a problem with expressing them. Its hard for me to communicate my fears and needs to anyone. I have learned to keep those feelings to myself until, eventually, they all come pouring out in anger and resentment.

Sounds like it would help to start identifying feelings as they arise. Rather than stuffing them and bottling 'em up to the point that you then explode in tears & rage, which releases all the pent up emotions. Then the cycle begins again, like a slow rolling boil.

I was in therapy to help me identify what I was feeling and then to express as each situation arose. I know I am steered wrong if I start feeling that "bottled up" feeling again. Then I have to stop. Assess what's going on. Then Discuss.

I am still terrified to say, "I really need to talk to you about what happened..." having come from a family where it was unsafe to express myself. But I'm getting better at "squaring off" -- and standing in the storm. Usually a good way for me to start is by saying, "I feel really hurt and need to discuss this" That opens a conversation.

Journalling is a great way to identify emotions. Just start writing. Identify the feelings "I feel sad/ I feel angry/I feel scared" and how the emotion relates to the experience. Not "You made me feel angry" (which is an attack) But: "I got really angry because I felt ignored by you when you ________. I'd really like to discuss this with you because you mean a lot to me."

Or somesuch. I hope that helps?

Maybe schedule a specific time to sit and say, "Ok, what's going on today. How are you feeling?"

Couple's counseling is always beneficial in helping to create healthy relationships. jmho.

thx amelah for the advice. Yes when something is wrong or I feel like I need to address a situation, instead of denying the feelings and emotions, I need to step up and communicate my needs and wants.

Hi,

One of the things that I needed to address (and I have improved at this, although sometimes it has been, okay, scary to be honest) is telling the right person what is going on.

In other words, why should I tell my mother or some other third party about my grievance with someone else, but never tell that person directly (or worse, pretend it is not a problem for me). If I have a problem about something, and I am not willing to let it go, then I need to speak with the appropriate person instead of trying to contain my feelings of anger, or whatever.

I have also found for me, that sometimes my feelings were not appropriate to the situation, because of my thoughts. I would tell myself things (irrational beliefs) and that would fuel my anger. So, for example, I do not have to become angry when someone asks me to do something I do not want to do. I would feel anger and annoyance because I would say things to myself like "They should not have asked me to do that." or ""I am so busy, how can they not see that." Blah, blah. And then I would feel angry at the person asking, for asking. As if I can control all external events and conversations (and as if they are mind readers).

Now, I work at reminding myself, "anyone can ask anything they want to" (I have NO control over what other people ask) and my job is to take care of me. That means, listen and say "no" if that is what I think I should do. I am getting in the habit of saying "no" and it feels so empowering. :-)

The more I am in touch with my own feelings and authentic thoughts, the less upset I am and the more calm I feel.

Hugs,

Shar

I try to let feelings out EVERY DAY, whether they be love, anger, annoyance, whatever. If it costs me relationships, so be it, but I'd rather express myself immediately rather than try to bottle this stuff up for months, years, and let it EXPLODE at some unsuspecting recipient, or let it degrade and eat up my innards, form cancer or cause me a heart attack or some other health anomaly.

Let it out...DAILY, as the others stated, at the appropriate person, of course.

Then try to RELAX. Try not to jump to conclusions or overreact. Simply communicate. Really listen, to try and understand what another is saying, then speak so that they can try to understand what you're saying.

And channel some of that hurt and/or annoyance into exercise. Works for me! Sometimes we have to work this "stuff" out in our own way, all alone, between ourselves and God, and exercise is a good way to do it. It channels pain and anger into something therapeutic, something that builds our strength, resilience and spiritual centeredness, in a way that helps us, and in a way that doesn't hurt anyone else.

I've got plenty to be frustrated about, and I try to channel it appropriately.

I think personal counseling to help you get at the hurts you have experienced in your life and coping mechanisms would be very helpful. It helped me alot and also helped me regain my self=esteem. Communication is very important and the ways that were suggested by others is very good. That way no one is put in defensive mode. Sometimes repeating what the other says to make sure you really got what they were trying to say helps too. We care.

Thank you ALL for the adivce and encouragement. I understand how I have managed to screw things up in the past. While trying to avoid getting hurt, I end up getting hurt and hurting others. Such irony. I will put the advice to work.

Stef

Have you seen the Alan Parker film of Roger Waters' tortured life from his landmark album, Pink Floyd-The Wall? Kinda deals with the same kinds of barriers, the walls he put up, which were pretty high lol, and then how the wall blew up at the end, and little kids were pilfering around through the remains, until one kid picks up what appears to be a Molotov cocktail, from the earlier neo-Nazi regime, one would think. He sniffs the rag, makes a sour face and pours the stuff out.

Pretty much a valid symbol that I thought might be relevant. Takes a kid to peal away our layers and make us feel like a kid again. Then the trick is to create. Something new. Something better than the pain. Requires a sense of humor, and a sense of irony I think.

Hope this helps.

"TEAR DOWN THE WALL!" -The Trial, Pink Floyd-The Wall

Hi stefanie and everyone

omg......it could have been me who wrote this!

i've done this all my life..... when yet another relationship broke up 13 years ago I was SO determined to be different and open and not to bottle things up if I was ever in another relationship - which I doubted would ever happen as I was sick of it all. I was on my own for 10 years, but now here I am in another relationship locked in the same old prison of feelings I can't express and hurts I can't show!

It sucks - maybe counselling is the next step

We all put on our "best face", our "best selves", our "best show" for the one we love, especially in the early phase, because we don't want to lose them. Or maybe we don't want to raise the ire of their anger, the beast. In either case, it comes from fear, of the other person, how they might react, what they might say or do.

When one reaches that point of "I don't care what you think, and I don't care whether you walk or not; this is what I think and feel", then one can stop walking on eggshells, truly relax and be be one's self. But, of course, one should always be respectful of one's partner.

Is walking on eggshells where some of you people are at?

For me - Yes!

Koolman - yet again you've summed up my feelings! Are you sure you don't actually know me Lol?

Wow, I feel like I walk on eggshells around every person I meet. I'm paranoid about rejection and judgement that I lose touch with what I'm thinking and feeling in the moment. When I can I try to stop and think about how I'm doing, not what I think others are thinking about me... Even if I'm just making observations about my surroundings. Helps me feel more grounded, less fearful...

It's all about fear. Fear of rejection, abandonment, not good enough and low self-worth/esteem. Once I get over the fear of someone walking out on me because of what I say or do then I'm free. And oddly enough I'm getting to that point. I am realizing I will be perfectly okay if my partner or anyone else walks away from me because I'm being me. The irony here is they wouldn't walk away. Its my own fear that is creating this wall. It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT MEEEEEE!! WOW!! AHA!!

How crazy is it to keep up a fake persona to try and keep someone(s) in your life. That is cheating them and yourself of a true relationship.

Oh how I love my dailystrength family!!!