Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I'm a bit worried, my H tells me I am crazy, like mentally ill. I know I am codependent in a big way, and have issues with self esteem and anxiety but does that make someone insane? I know a lot of my problems are due to codependence because when I am not around my H, I am a different person, I work part time in a profession, I am confident in my work. I look after 3 children and care full time for my husbands elderly mother. I do all the housework, shopping, washing, bills, tax, everything except mow the lawns and a bit of maintenance my H does, and yet he constantly tells me how crazy I am. I have real problems relating to him, I feel sick around him because of his constant negative comments about me and everything I do. I absolutely do not have these problems with anyone else. I am worried because he tells me he is going to have a stroke because I am so nutty. I constantly feel guilty and really don't want to be the cause of his death. Thinking I should leave if I can't live a normal life around him. I really don't need to be constantly told how abnormal i am, it doesn't inspire or enable me to change. What does anyone think? Does codependent = crazy? Any advice?
I've been in those shoes, I did everything raised our son, cooked, cleaned, did the yard work, you name it I did it. And until I stopped doing everything to make life easier for him and started making it easier for me, I let my H make me feel inadequate. Be strong, you are a great person.
We Cos have our issues, but it does not mean that we are "crazy." Your gut feeling (sick around him) is giving you a message. Things are not okay when you are around him.
What do you think you should do? And what do you want to do?
It certainly sounds like he is trying to manipulate and control with comments about giving him a stroke? !
Do you think you should leave? One thing I have learned for sure about myself. I am not going to put up with verbal abuse in a relationship. I will choose having no relationship over that. But each of us has to decide for ourselves what we can and cannot live with.
Hugs,
Shar
Emotional blackmail is a term used to cover a central form of psychological manipulation - "the use of a system of threats and punishment on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behavior".[1]
When subjected to emotional blackmail, "we become the other's emotional hostage". As Jean Baudrillard puts it: "If you don't give me that, you will be responsible for my breakdown".[3]
According to psychotherapist Susan Forward, who did much to popularise the term,[4] "emotional blackmail" is a powerful form of manipulation in which blackmailers who are close to the victim threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish them to get what they want. They may know the victim's vulnerabilities and their deepest secrets. "Many of the people who use emotional blackmail are friends, colleagues and family members with whom we have close ties that we want to strengthen and salvage"[5] - parents, partners, bosses or lovers. No matter how much the blackmailer cares about the victim, they use their intimate knowledge to win compliance.
Knowing that the victim wants love, approval or confirmation of identity, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them or take them away altogether, or make the victim feel they must earn them: "as the power of emotional blackmail indicates, self-identity is inevitably affected by... the 'reaction' of the other",[6] as is self-esteem.
If the victim believes the blackmailer, he/she could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior and become "caught in a sort of psychological fog".[7]
Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that the victim feels afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feeling guilty if they don't: indeed Forward and Frazier invent the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.[8]
((HUGS)) to You. I'm sorry that he is trying to tear you down to feed his own insecurities and need for control.
He is the one making you feel crazy. He is pulling you down. You function normally outside of the home, but at some point in time his constant negativity will affect that. Leave the situation if you can. It looks like he will not change, but you have the power to do so.
Rebecca
My H has not hugged or touched me for 6 months. He says I need to earn his trust, win him back etc. I always feel in a position of having to prove myself, his affection will be given if and when I earn it. At the same time he wants affection from me. He says he is unable to do anything about our relationship until I change. Does this sound normal?
"I always feel in a position of having to prove myself, his affection will be given if and when I earn it. At the same time he wants affection from me. He says he is unable to do anything about our relationship until I change. Does this sound normal?"
In a word, No, it does not sound normal. It sounds like someone who is trying to control and manipulate you.
Shar
I'm so sorry he's become so insecure that he needs to reduce you to make himself feel better, and manipulate you to get his own needs met.
But unless he's willing to work on this with you in couples' counseling or is really capable of having an honest eye-to-eye conversation (without defensiveness or hostility), he's only going to feel defensive, justified & self-righteous. And can turn into an ugly confrontation. If you can, remove yourself from the toxic situation and save yourself the grief and agony. And if you can't, can you seek out therapy for yourself, just for moral support?
Lots of books on the topic. I took a class in "Women's Studies" back in college long ago. What your husband is doing is classic textbook controlling. (the textbook I'm referencing is "Half the Human Experience: The Psychology of Women" by Janet Shibley Hyde)
((HUGS))
BTW - Good for you for doing it all..You are one tough woman...remind him of that - you may not be physically 'strong' like him, but boy, I bet you could do circles around him at the grocery store, doing taxes, cleaning, etc...be proud of that - and maybe remind him when he throws out 'crazy' at you on how a crazy person wouldn't be able to handle your load...or, simply state, well, if I'm so crazy, guess I should stop killing myself over acting and doing NORMAL...and quit. Quit for a day - NO breakfast, NO dishes, NO nothing! Go to work, and come home and ask him where your dinner is...if he doesn't cook, go out by yourself...and laundry...ask him to do it...If you didn't live with him, he'd have to do it all himself right? You're not a maid, you are partners...Every relationship has roles, and mine is similar to yours - work / home / kids / all else...but it works in our lives, and that's okay as long as you feel appreciated, but you need recognition more and less criticism and no name calling...it's a lot to deal with...and you are not crazy...He has to quit saying that...he's not authorized to make that determination...
:) HUGS to you...stay strong!
I too lived with put-downs for years, then he wondered why I didn't shower him with affection. I do think it's a bit of insecurity on their part. They feel bad about themselves in some way and feel the need to bring you down to to make them feel better about themselves. I'm sorry to say my STBX never got any real help for himself, so we are divorcing. I couldn't make my marriage better all by myself, and neither can you. And it can't get better while he's putting you down. Get some therapy and see where you are in a few months. Good luck!