Interesting, Booky. At first it seems impossible to accept blame but not be blameful, but it really does make sense in a way. It's all about validating feelings. You can validate his feelings without validating what he's saying (blame). I actually had done that in the past in my marriage, and it did kind of shut down the bickering, because there as nothing left to bicker about. I have done with with my snarky son, and it works on him. Well, at least it shuts him up temporarily. Unfortunately he actually believes things are my fault, but I chalk that up to maturity, or lack thereof.

Here we go again two on here giving advice that they both FAILED AT.
One's marriage failed and his wife died so they use this forum to tell others what they did that failed and they wanted or may wish in retrospect they had done. Or the other person who claims I've done that but it only worked temporarily. So another words THEIR SUGGESTIONS LONG TERM FAILED TO GET THEIR SPOUSES TO STOP ABUSING THEM. .... it is P R O J E C T I O N and abusive to advise others to do what THEY FAILED AT THEMSELVES then advising others to do it.

Placating an abuser temporarily is just that TEMPORARY and will HEAL N O T H I N G !

BALONEY!

If healing from codependency is about honesty, then how does being disingenuous do that?
For example: You take the blame, you tell that person "it was my fault." The bully is temporarily placated and then when the truth comes out later and they say to you "Well, you said that was your fault." You tell them what?....."I LIED?" I DIDN'T MEAN IT.?" So you demoralized your own SELF, LIED and are dishonest" THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD CONSIDER RECOVERY?

Some people have a long way to go on here.

"Honesty is the perception that the unreal is unreal and of no value. That neither Love nor fame nor cash is a value if obtained by fruad."
Ayn Rand

I guess everyone has different value systems. I use this statement often as a barometer for mine.

Accepting blame for another persons feeling is the very definition of codependent thinking.

Acknowledging feelings is acknowledging feelings. It is letting others feel their own feelings NEVER taking the responsibility for their feelings.

Really, trying to hide behind some claims of re-definition of language is just ignorant attempts to pretend that anything other than trying to over power the other was meant by accepting blame.

I don't think Booky meant to actually take on the other person's blame. I think what he is saying is that it really doesn't matter who is to blame. What matters is what happens next. It's basically a way of saying "whatever." It does stop the arguing about placing blame, and it can move the conversation on to something more constructive, as in "where do we go from here." At least that's how I interpret it. Now if you're talking about someone who's physically abusive, then you wouldn't be having this type of conversation anyway. You would be wanting to leave and save yourself.

WRONG AGAIN!

Speaking for another person is extremely codependent.

Suggesting that others have no ability to recognize and deduce meaning in singular particular instances is a clever abuser(s) way of engaging in circular conversation.

In circular conversation, abuser(s) makes very clear, easily understood statement(s) frequently backing them up with further information for clarity. When possible victim(s) point out the issues in such statements, the abuser(s) claims to be mis-understood following up with slight adjustments to earlier statements. The ordinary unaware victim, makes adjustments, apologies, or otherwise becomes confused and engages in an honest attempt for clarity.

However; the abuser(s) interest is entertainment, power, and control. So the abuser changes or clarifies again and again. The conversation actually works its way to the point where the abuser(s) makes the very statements that the victim first postulated. This seriously confuses victims leaving them prey to any abuse tactics desired by the abuser(s). Most victims end up simply agreeing with the abuser out of frustration or exhaustion.

The important thing is to realize that we are perfectly capable of reading for comprehension and fully understand the meaning in the original statements. When people backpedal to adjust their meaning in response they are trying to cause serious confusion in attempts to use a circular conversation for entertainment.

Learn to recognize this and you will save yourself many hours of frustration in circular conversations with abusers.

Excuse me? I don't believe I was speaking for anyone else. I was simply interpreting in my own way what I thought he was saying, as I interpreted it. I am entitled to my opinion, as are you, and I don't appreciate being yelled at in capital letters that I am wrong anytime I disagree with you, or anyone else on this board for that matter. That type of behavior is codependent. You can't simply bully people into accepting your view on things. We all offer our opinions on here, and people are free to take what they like and leave the rest. I don't think it's anyone's place on here to tell anyone else they are wrong about anything.

taking blame for others dysfunctions:

#passiveaggressive

Hamsteronawheel - way to go. You summarized that perfectly.

It is about taking the leadership, and thereby stopping the fighting and stop the competition and start fixing the problem.

There really are millions of website links for accepting the blame as a leader, so here below are just 2 of them:

1) http://ministry127.com/pastoral-leadership/a-good-leader-always-takes-the-blame

2) http://www.leadershipskills.us/leadership-training_Accepting-Responsibility.html

The wife has her husband having trouble at his job and he just needs his wife to give him some support by NOT blaming him for his messed up job, and accepting the blame from him will comfort his feelings and allow both of them to work through the problem of the messed up stressful job.

If she just blames her husband instead of sharing his feelings then he will have the stress both at his work and at his home too.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves.

OK, so suppose a husband quits his job, The wife leaves the marriage and lives her life.
He doesn't pay his child support, because he quit his job, the courts tell him he still must pay or go to jail, then he goes out and defaces public property by spray painting graffiti on government buildings. Should the wife have to pay fines? Should the wife take the criminal punishment and BLAME as he does?

Empathy for someone is functional. No matter how much you love or care for them, Nobody has the right to expect anyone accept their BLAME. If you love someone, why would you want them to take you blame, that's not love. This thought level is childish, immature. It's purely dehumanizing CRAP.
Hiding it in religiosity written by some chauvinistic preacher doesn't make it truth either.

I'll stick to the 4 TH Step: (It doesn't allow me to lie or omit.)
That's more important to me then submission to an abuser to make them feel better for a while.
The word is FEARLESS: not accept someone's blame.

I remember one of the first therapist statements to me in my recovery.
I was explaining about my childhood. He stated.."Wait a minute, and listen to me very carefully." He paused and said I want you to understand this. "It wasn't your fault." I had always held my childhood and the abuse as "MY FAULT." I had never taken the time to even understand that that accepting the blame had kept me as a victim, wallowing in "My Childhood." He explained it was a tape, I used to blame the past.

This was a great gift to me, I was actually able to discern where in my life it was my fault and where it wasn't. I no longer took or accepted blame for things I had not done. I own a business and sometimes I screw up. I don't blame the patron of my business. I accept the fact that I screwed up. If they screw up, I can have empathy and compassion, I will not accept their blame though. That's not just not reality. We all have to be responsible for ourselves. While sometimes I admit to letting people and even my cat, "pull the wool over my eyes," I won't accept their blame.

Expecting someone else to take BLAME:
#COWARD