CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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barbyzhere 07/04/2015

I got an email this morning from my ES. He said he loves us and misses us. He still knows we were awful parents, but wants to resume a relationship. Perhaps I should be jumping with joy but I'm not. Why is that? Have I let my heart harden toward him? God knows I love him. God knows I did my best to be a good Mom to him. God knows I pray for him and his family, for a happy marriage and for our grandchildren. My DH and I pray blessing on them faithfully. But since his horrible anger, bitterness and outrageous accusations towards us, something died in me and I have given up hope of reconciliation. We haven't even been praying for that. I don't know how to reconcile with someone who believes I am a despicable person who ruined his life. Wouldn't I be aware of that every time I would be in his presence? Wouldn't it be ridiculously uncomfortable? How am I supposed to believe it when he says he loves me? Really?? I know "God gives grace when you need it". But the sad question is ~ do I want it? I'm afraid his feelings are temporary. I'm afraid if we reconnect there will come a time when he reverts back to his bitterness and estranges himself all over again. I love his wife too, and their three children. My heart aches for them. But do I ever want to chance starting at square one with estrangement and the pain it has been? I honestly have no idea how to answer him. Do you know what would God want me to do?

lindajoan 07/10/2015

Can you share what that means to you at this point?

barbyzhere 07/11/2015

Yes I'll share. After listening to criticism of everything I did as a mother, and everything my husband did as a father, it feels like there's nothing left. Apparently we are the reason why he cannot function, can't work, keep relationships, or live happilly and in peace.
I'm not only empty, I am battling going down to that black pit of despair. God help me. I've been there before and it's hell. Honestly, I would rather be wherever you have to go to feel no pain. I'm working on that.
I'm sorry. You were probably looking for something positive. I'm sorry to disappoint you. You've been wonderful to me.

barbyzhere 07/11/2015

P.S. "His Dad didn't spend enough time with him". When I tell him that our mortgage was at 18% (1984) and Dad worked his tail off to pay it down, taking as much overtime as he could, that infuriates him. When I tell him that to send him and his 2 sisters to a Christian School cost $65,000. and his Dad had to work long hours to make that plus the tax on it, that infuriates him. Why did we think he would want to go to a Christian School? He wishes we had done other things with our time and money. Well sorry - as parents that was the choice we made at the time. So shoot us.
There's no good answer to what he says. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

givingupcontrol 07/11/2015

I'm sorry Barb. That has to be so painful. You know it's not logical, though, and you know you and your DH are absolutely not to blame, but it has to still hurt. I don't know how old your ES, but I think he will realize the error of his thinking and accusations when he is an adult for longer.

Try to enjoy the people God has placed in your life that want to be there. And protect and guard your marriage.

Hugs

lindajoan 07/11/2015

Let's continue to pray that God work in his heart. It sounds, to me, that he may be angrier with himself than anyone else. God will not stop working in His way. It must be in His timing.

Thank you for sharing. I am discouraged over our ED's lack of accountability. I believe God isn't done with her yet.

barbyzhere 07/11/2015

lindajoan, with what is going on in your family right now, the loss of a Mom and Grandma, I can't help but believe it will be a huge wakeup call for your ED. I pray she wakes up and realizes what she needs. Meanwhile, I pray God gives you exactly what YOU need in this trying time.

lindajoan 07/11/2015

I pray so too. ED does have mental issues but the Lord is able to penetrate the toughest. Her life has always been about her and she is the victim with very little conscience. It is evident when she walked away as a 20 year old to seek the garbage of this world. She lost so much. All of our EC do. Let's continue to pray one day they will see the truth.

bella479 07/11/2015

I believe prayer is the answer in all realms of a Christian's life.

But one thing I also do know that is God NEVER expects us to put up with disrespect and cruel behavior from our AC, not for ANY reason. There is a time when we need to 'wake up' and realize that expecting anything for something we have no control over is ridiculous. It is kind of like keep hitting our heads against the wall and then asking God to take away the pain. Well his response to us would most likely be then 'quit doing what is causing you the pain'. God gives each of us choices to make daily and he also gives us the ability to make the proper ones. We just cannot control others and if it is God's will they will change if not they won't .... period. He will never force himself on anyone......Barb you need to re-do your life w/o son.

barbyzhere 07/12/2015

You're right. I do know this is not right. It feels incredibly unnatural to give up on my child. But the side effect of his communication is a very heavy cloud of hopelessness, despair and condemnation, and I can't live like this. It sucks the peace and joy out of absolutely everything. Sometimes it's hard to face painful facts.

Norske1 07/12/2015

Barbyzhere - I want to share with you what someone told me during my estrangement with our son.

This is what God commands: Love God FIRST, your spouse SECOND and your children THIRD.

When I started applying that to my life, I didn't think so much about ES and concentrated on enjoying time with my husband. We enjoyed our time together. And I am so grateful for that, because my DH got cancer and passed away 6 months later. My ES told me the reason he came back was because Dad was sick; otherwise he probably wouldn't. Many have told me that was my husband's last mission on earth. While I am thankful that my son is back in my life, I would be estranged from him forever if I had my husband back in my life here on earth.

Pray for your son and leave him at Jesus' feet.

lindajoan 07/12/2015

God is not finished with him yet. He is not finished with our ED yet. He is not finished with any of our EC yet. It is His work. We did not desert our EC. They left us. Only God can change their hearts in His way and in His time. He may have begun the work but we must give them to Him. The last chapter has not been written yet. Let's pray them to God and then back to family. The battle is the Lord's.

bella479 07/12/2015

Lindajoan.....in all due respect......we can pray that God will speak to other believers to go to our children and influence them but God never ever forces himself on a non-believer. They do not have a relationship with him and this is one thing we ALL need to remember.....no matter how hard we pray we cannot 'pray our children into heaven' that does not work and is not Biblical. Just the same as nobody can 'work' their way to heaven. They would never be good enough.....but we can be when Jesus stands in the gap for us.

It is hard to believe all this because it is hurtful and they are our children. But the truth is the truth. If you are a born again believer than pray hard to have Jesus send believers to them ......

bella479 07/12/2015

also....you say~~~~~> "God is not finished with our EC yet"......He may not be... but THEY are finished with him unless THEY surrender to him....you have it backwards. They have to come on their own....

bella479 07/12/2015

this the verse you referred to when you said "the battle is the Lords" It is out of context because this was when David smote Goliath.....the battle for salvation was in the new testament when Jesus went to the cross for our salvation and no more did people have to bring their 'best animal' to the altar each year to place before God for forgiveness for the sins they sinned during that year.

I Samuel 14:47...And all this assembly shall know that the Lord saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hands.

lindajoan 07/12/2015

You are right. If our EC are not believers the best prayer for them is that they will come to know Jesus. If they are believers our best prayer for them is that they will repent to God and family. We need to put our EC in God's hands. I can't think of better hands to leave our cares and burdens with.

What more can we do for our EC but to pray for them?

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