CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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barbyzhere 07/04/2015

I got an email this morning from my ES. He said he loves us and misses us. He still knows we were awful parents, but wants to resume a relationship. Perhaps I should be jumping with joy but I'm not. Why is that? Have I let my heart harden toward him? God knows I love him. God knows I did my best to be a good Mom to him. God knows I pray for him and his family, for a happy marriage and for our grandchildren. My DH and I pray blessing on them faithfully. But since his horrible anger, bitterness and outrageous accusations towards us, something died in me and I have given up hope of reconciliation. We haven't even been praying for that. I don't know how to reconcile with someone who believes I am a despicable person who ruined his life. Wouldn't I be aware of that every time I would be in his presence? Wouldn't it be ridiculously uncomfortable? How am I supposed to believe it when he says he loves me? Really?? I know "God gives grace when you need it". But the sad question is ~ do I want it? I'm afraid his feelings are temporary. I'm afraid if we reconnect there will come a time when he reverts back to his bitterness and estranges himself all over again. I love his wife too, and their three children. My heart aches for them. But do I ever want to chance starting at square one with estrangement and the pain it has been? I honestly have no idea how to answer him. Do you know what would God want me to do?

difficulttime2 07/04/2015

I think you can be loving and kind, but also be cautious and have boundaries. You do not need to be a doormat or put up with abuse of any kind.
I don't think you can look into the future and know with certainty that your son will not be unkind again. I think you will have to take it one step at a time.
Since he hasn't demonstrated much of a change of heart,I think you can be loving and kind, but I would expect to have to be firm about any disrespect toward you and then deal with it as it comes.
I would be cautious about having too many expectations ...

Norske1 07/04/2015

I agree with difficulttime2. God says we are to forgive, but we don't have to forget. Be loving, but cautious.

Sommersmom 07/04/2015

barbyzhere, I live with that same fear should my ED ever reach out to me, I would have to pray long and hard about what to do. I couldn't go through her walking away again.
I really think I would have to first keep the relationship over the phone for a little while, to test the waters, and see if she were respectful before I would be willing to meet with her in person.
Would you consider that with your son at first? Then, if he's disrespectful, you can judge whether you want to see him in person or not.

poodlegirl61 07/04/2015

I'm in the same boat. At first when my ES estranged, I tried so hard to get him back. We even reached out to DIL, knowing how crazy and messed up she was, but we thought if we tried hard enough, he would see how hard we were trying, and and he would love us again. But nope, it all just blew up in our faces and it actually made things worse (if that is possible) and he accused us of being fake. So finally, little by little, and piece by piece, parts of me just started dying off, where he was concerned. I have stopped trying to reach out now. I do pray for him all the time, and I have not forgotten him at all, but it was just too painful to keep getting that door slammed in my face time and time again. And it just made me physically ill! I actually feel much better now, and I also think my heart has been hardened. How could it not be? I don't know what I would do if he ever came back...I mean TRULY came back and asked for forgiveness. I am sure I would forgive, because I want God to always forgive me, but I would have a very, very hard time ever trusting him again. And I just don't think it could ever be like it was before.

lindajoan 07/04/2015

It is always good to hear from an EC. It is just about impossible to plan ahead how we will react to the initial contact. The one thing I know is true of myself,and I'm sure most of us,is that our emotions have been through the wringer. They can not be the same.

I'm sure you will act toward your so the way Jesus would. That would be with love. We pray that in time our EC would have s heart and a repentant heart like the prodigal son. One thing Believe would be best is to take baby steps praying each step of the way.

bella479 07/05/2015

That is not how you treat someone you love.....don't settle for the breadcrumbs, abuse and revenge.

Cut the ties.

givingupcontrol 07/05/2015

barbbyzhere, I struggle with this same emotion and question.... is my heart hardening? I think poodlegirl has an excellent point- it's about TRUST. God gives us wisdom and discernment about people and situations and he also gives us instincts, like self preservation. Many of us on this site have had to protect our feelings and hearts and take a step back from our EC just to get through this nightmare of estrangement. So, to think we'll just jump back in fully trusting.... no way.

Pray and take it one day at a time, and try not to plan and think about what your reaction should be to situations down the road.

okaynow 07/05/2015

Ask yourself how you will feel if you don't respond or work on re establishing a relationship? None of us knows what will happen at anytime anywhere. If you end up estranged again will it be any worse? Maybe. Maybe not. Only God knows the future. Is it wrong to love? Don't react in anger, you may regret that forever. I went through estrangement twice with my son. About two years each time. During the 1st I reached out constantly. The 2nd I reached one once (he didn't respond) None of it was easy, it effected every aspect of my life and still does. His situation has changed. He has changed. He calls everyday always ends the conversation with love you. He opens up totally now, never did before. He may blow us off again.if I think like that I can't enjoy anything now. I can only tell you my experience. From my experience, I would say reaching out is reaching out. Emails are tough. If you can meet or talk on the phone it may be better.
Pray, read scripture, you'll know what to do. No matter what you decide, you will have friends here to support you.

barbyzhere 07/07/2015

I've been going over all your responses again. Today is when I take the first baby step. A phone call. He's expecting me to call him at 2:30 this afternoon. I'm praying for my nerves to be calm, and the right words to come out of my mouth. Thank you for your support and advice.

poodlegirl61 07/07/2015

I am praying for you, Barb. Please keep us posted.

feellinghelpless 07/07/2015

Praying

barbyzhere 07/07/2015

The first baby step was a one hour conversation today. He said he wants to resolve things but what he said after that shows his mind and heart are hard and closed. I don't know what to make of it, all I know is I had more peace a week ago.

okaynow 07/07/2015

Maybe it's really like a baby step, a little wobbly...did he say he would call again? I

sylvia230 07/08/2015

Praying for you Barb. Keep us updated how things go.

barbyzhere 07/10/2015

To the friends who warned me to be cautious and take baby steps ~ you were so right. Thank you. I did that, and so did my husband. There's no comfort in contact.

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