so I posted a few days ago about my wife finding me receiving oral sex from a friend while I was black out drunk.  I posted many details of our life together.

i have had some time to process.

it is now clear to me that nothing happens in a vacuum.

in the months leading up to this I had not been sleeping as I was being tormented by her numerous EA.  One of which, at least, she had the full intention of making physical.  My inability to believe that I know all of her misdeeds

i was struggling with who she was and where I fit into her life.

i had long been very frustrated sexually.  Living in a pretty cruel cycle of being give the absolute minimum to cope, and somehow being grateful.  That only intense pain on my part could elicit any affection from my SO.

I had told her that I did not know what woud happen if someone threw themselves at me.

i had been asking her for her help for many many years with our sons.  To the point where I could not ask her for help anymore.  As I did not feel that I had a voice any longer.  And she just resented being asked.

i think what I did was some kind of cry for help.

but in doing it has destroyed me.

never cheat.  You just cheat yourself