Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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walked out

ann54
ann54
i haven't posted here in awhile, just trying to muddle along with my parents and set boundaries. well last night was the first time i have walked out and left when things were bad. a long story short, my mother is no longer capabale of even rehaeating a pre made meal, it totally overwhelms her, she is losing her sight and it is just all to much. my dad still lives and is well, but according to her he does nothing and everything she does is wrong. she plays the blame game and guilt game very well. i do feel bad for her but the constant refusal of getting help in drove me over the deep end last night. she was crying and angry over how much of an effort it is to re heat the dinner and your father not liking it and on and on. i said mom you need to get someone in who can make dinners and i again mentioned a place they eat at, is reasonable and they deliver, on Thursday nights the special is a hot turkey dinner. it was like talking to the air. i said it again and she angrily said i am not paying someone 20 dollars to be here and cook dinner1 i got up and said i have to leave i cant take this same conversation again and i don't want to say things i will regret.well the river overflowed. i ended up saying since they are not moving anywhere, they have the money and what are you waiting for? you cant take it with you, you are not living on a card board box, you cant take it with you! i also said that you have done everything for the family your life, biting my cheeks at nit saying all the bad shit and now it is time for you to get help. as i was leaving she look at me and said don't leave me like this, i am trying my best, don't do this, and i said mom, do not guilt me and left
TroJanThunder
TroJanThunder
You did exactly the right thing. Hopefully they will begin to think a little harder about how they treat you.
billwfriend
billwfriend
so sorry this had to come to that.....hugs and hope for their understanding they need to pay for helpers....
ann54
ann54
I am feeling bad I did this and I know when I call later they will want an apology but I cant apologize and I feel so bad about it all
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
Wow, that took guts, good for you!

I am guessing, and this is a huge leap from a few facts, that your mother is stuck at a roadblock. She is not willing to admit that there are things that she can no longer do. Perhaps the ease with which she used to do these things is part of that roadblock, I don't know.

What is your next move?

It sounds like you need to reinforce how she used to do things for the family as a transition into telling her that she now needs to let others help her. It may be that she no longer understands money, and is unable to comprehend that she does have enough money to pay for things.

A lesson I learned from raising my daughter was that when I broke her of a stubborn stance (there were so many of them!) that I had to be ready to help her into a better place.

Gentle hugs, it is not an easy road you are on.
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
one thing that made my mother not get the help she needed with the yard and housework was the money...she wanted to leave it to us...her 3 kids.
I said- use it up, spend it all, we all are fine- etc etc...
and just about once a week we go over her budget.
I told her she can spend at her current rate plus 10k a year for 20 years, but then, we have to sell the house.
she is 85.
Now? she hires the people.
and we are all happier. And she is safer.
ann54
ann54
I don't know what my next move is, I do know that I did not apologize yesterday when we talked, and she was expecting it. my mother has all her facilities when it comes to money, she still does the bills, well my sister helps but she has a special check writing tool from the seeing impaired. she is just stubborn and as mentioned wants all of us to take care. it is hard to do it as we have never felt loved and lately, a few years we all hear I love you, and bad me, I think it is because she needs us. we are going to call community care givers and see what they can do and the cost, they have enough money and she knows to the penny what they have since they will not move. frustrating but liberating on my part!
pd2012
pd2012
That couldn't have been easy for you Ann but I'm glad you did. It's a first step and maybe after some time she'll get the message. I hope so for your sake anyway.
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
Keep a united front with your siblings! Share information as much as possible, that will make it really hard for your mother to play one of you against another. My wife and her siblings do a pretty good job of that. (Not perfect, but pretty good.)
pd2012
pd2012
It's downright exhausting having to push back on them. She may find that their attitude gets worse before it gets better. It's a matter of who can outlast who in the stand... Not fun!
ann54
ann54
no it is not fun. my son kast night was telling me that my sister and I need to make the dinners for them, they aren't going to cange and if I truly care that is what I will do. I tried to explain that isn't the point, we helpout a lot. I just stopped talking about it. my mother called last night and we talked about usual shit and then she said she had to clear the air about sunday, she has been sick with worry and upset ever since. let us just forget what happened, move on and we will be okay, the 2 of them. I said I was simply trying to help you, knowing what a struggle you are having. she shut me up, I did not apologize though!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are doing your best and that's the best you can do.
ann54
ann54
my mother was all pissed and upset that no one was there yesterday or will be there today. she was making snide comments on the fact my sister was busy all day doing errrands and today she is putting up the tree with her day=ughter. I am gone for the day at training for macys and it isn't over till 7 so no sunday night get together. she is hoping danny stops by, don't know he is taking my dog for me, sheloves him and I am not going to tell him what to do. the pitiful act drives me crazy. I had to say I would come over Monday night and stupid me said I would bring dinner but she said no, it is hot dog night so fine. I have to do what I need to do right now with my job situation and get hours I desperately need
Reelin4real
Reelin4real
When things got that bad with my parents, almost the same situation, it reads, my siblings and i contacted our county's Social Services Dept., and were amazed at all of the help/alternatives available.

After we had powwowed with ourselves and a social worker, said worker came with a partner and we had what i call an "elderly intervention"

My/our parents were PO'd, for sure, but the whole thing did get them to at least THINKING about getting some outside aid on some things that they were trying to steamroll/guilt us into needlessly.

It was nice to have impartial back up on a few things and info.~an entire book, updated annually.

You have my sympathy in this, as does your father, to an extent. My father wanted to downsize, but wouldn't override my mothers insistence to stay here, even tho' he was always the one who did all of the work here (now on my shoulders, but i have a handyguy roomie who helps a LOT). It's hard when an elder digs in their heels over pride/ego/denial/??? and tries to selfishly "play" their children to their detriment.

It did help US find ways to get outside aid, and it was good to have the help of the "experts".

GL in this! Don't feel guilty because you have a life and family to attend to. Sorry about all the manipulation you've had to deal with.

{{hugz}}
Triciaclarke
Triciaclarke
It is very hard and elderly parents are the best at laying guilt trips on. My mother is the same as yours and I dont live anywhere near her to help, so I get it all by phone and it doesnt go away when the phone goes down either. She is hard work and moody. Anyway she was refusing help but I thought I would start with the housework bit and found someone and arranged for the first time when I was there, Nice woman came and talked to my mother a bit then got on with things, while I kept my mother occupied. Now she loves her coming, looks forward to the little chat they have before she starts, and is even thinking now of having a morning carer come in. Slow progress but getting there. Maybe like my mother, its just something she has to come to terms with and once does she will see the advantages even if she still guilt trips me. good luck
jazzkeys
jazzkeys
Congratulations Ann, I know that couldn't have been easy. That is the first step, calling her bluff. You are doing the right thing. It's time for her to get help and for you to live your life.
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