Wow. Your Mom seems almost impossible. Sorry for what it is putting you through. I'm no expert and don't really care for labels and overused diagnoses, but she kind of sounds bipolar. Ridiculing people one moment and curled up crying the next...

Also sounds like she is having trouble dealing with the reversal of roles between elderly parents their adult children. Hopefully others in here will have some suggestions based on their similar experiences!

so sorry ann that you have this to go thru....I would not be willing...but my mom is
good to me....very good....and everyone else too...but she will not give up her home....;)

I am so relieved that I am not judged as a bad daughter for feeling this way, even though my therapist keeps telling me that she is a cold unloving person and very manipulative, I stll feel bad about my thoughts. thank you for not judging and accepting me. hugs

I'm glad you have a therapist helping you, but from what I read there is nothing making you sound like a bad daughter. Yes, it is your mother, but sounds like you were dealt a bad hand.

We all like to look up to and respect our parents, but sometimes it is just not deserved. They are only human, and often more broken than we are. I'm lucky to have a pretty decent relationship with my Mom, and while my Dad was not overly expressive with his "loving" emotions, I worked to have a good relationship with him.

Still, things would come up where their less than perfect selves would show themselves. To cope, I'd often jokingly tell my Mom, "I don't know how I turned out so well." Maybe you should think like that of yourself. Sounds like you are the bigger person.

I'm going to quote ThePepperMan who often says, "It's hard to know why people do what they do." You can only do what you can, and must take care of yourself first.

You are NOT being a bad daughter! Getting old sucks and so do the problems that go along with it for the rest of the family.

I can empathize with your Mother, but that does not make it ok for her to run roughshod over the rest of the family.

Someone needs to jerk a knot in her tail and set some limits on her abusive behavior.

By all means, you are NOT a bad daughter. You have a very difficult mother to interact with. I agree with Texas, you were dealt a very difficult hand.

But there are ways.

TroJan has some very good advice: work on setting limits for your mother. Find behaviors that are counterproductive and attach consequences to them.

And then enforce them!

One possible example might be when she is verbally disrespectful of you. Especially if there are specific words she uses. Let her know that you will not tolerate that behavior. The consequence needs to be immediate. One consequence is that what ever you are doing with or for her stops.

Instantly!

If you are making dinner for her stop what you are doing. Put things away. If stuff is cooking or baking, turn the stove/oven off. Then leave.

Gentle hugs

Definitely set limits, and when she pushes, walk away. She's not a toddler or teen. She's legally an adult. We can love them, but sometimes (as AlAnon taught me long ago) we have to remember to love from a safe distance.

Puma purrs and power to you, Ann. My mom's a recovering alcoholic. Sober since 1989 but in month 16 of the meanest dry drunk I've ever seen. Yowch! Our good relationship? Poof. I tried probably too long. So give yourself the Exit Doors, okay? You are *not* a bad daughter.

I can relate to so much of what you have said. I'm glad you came back to where you know you will get understanding and support. I think some of my new quotes in my journal might help you! Hugs GB

I am overwhelmed with all the support and advice. I have been trying to put some space from my mother like not calling every night, and have to listen to how I haven't heard from you in a couple of days, when it is only 1, one time she was worried something was wrong, ust attention getting, I get so mad. she always answers the phone and I try and tell her some of my news but everything turns right back to her or if I don't address how she was that day I can tell she is pissed. when I ask to speak to dad it is like why do u want to, oh, I have to bring the phone out etc... I so love my dad, even with the cruelty I was given growing up strangely I always felt loved by him and he was a blessing to me after my husbandwas killed at 32 yrs. old and I had 3 children 5 and under. he took my youngest, 15 months to help out and he got all the great values of the older generation, and danny still thinks of him as a father though of course he knows he isn't. it is hurting him to see dad getting older and knowing time will come, we can talk about it which is great. during the years when I was young and "chubby" in a family where my mother could only tolerate thinness, my dad would draw a horrible fat person on the chalkboard and label it with my name. I was given different food then my siblings and my life long eating disorder started way back then, I learned to eat in secret. I have forgiven them for being alcholics but will never forget esp. my mother, she become just plain dumb when drunk. the pay off came when she didn't recognize her grandchildren and I said the next day I would not be back.
wow to much not ealated. sorry. one thing, yesterday I rode my bike over to see them no one was home but dad arrived as I was leaving and then mother arrived shortlu after, the "wonderful" neighbor had brought her grocery shopping , she is such a wonderful woman, and I helped bring some stuff in and then I said I needed to get back. oh, she said, diane always puts the food on the counter for me, I said that's nice but I have to go, immediately the curling inward started and she said you have given me another thing to worry about with that bike. I just said bye I will call when home. sorry for going on and on.

I don't blame you for venting. She would drive me nuts!

I get this too. I complete this fantastical feet of magic for her and she thanks me repeatedly for what I've done however, after thanking me there's always the "but" you didn't do this at the end.

thank you pd, don't you just love the buts and howevers? I am very sorry for the above "comment" it went into issues that don't belong on this site

I think our moms were twins separated at birth. My mom is a dry drunk. Both her parents drank, but she did not....she only carries the behavior. My mom also does not like....or love me. My brother was killed 40 years ago and left me an only child. She compared me with him (her golden child) up until about 5 or 6 years ago when I told her I had enough.
It's sad that they have to be so mean. I'm just glad I'm not my mom. It must be a sad lonely life to think of dissing good offspring.
Some days I honestly feel like giving up....but I don't want to be like her and I also know what estrangement feels like.
I just do the basics these days. I limit my visits and phone calls these days. I actually have ppl that love and accept me....reciprocate a good relationship and so I hang around them instead and let mom stew in her own bitterness and hate.
I feel ok, becuz my mom lives in an Independent Living Facility where all her needs (meals, meds, treatment, and friends are right there in the building) are met.
Oh well.....I don't have much to offer, but thought I'd let you know that I understand and that you are not alone.

our moms could be twins... I am sorry you have to go through this but you seem to have set the boundaries that are right for you, it still hurts though and frustration is high. so sad to say but I go for my dad and I cant imagine what it will be like when he dies. I still feel so guilty in saying that about mymother.