Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.

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Living with dementia in elders

Mickeysgirl
Mickeysgirl

This will be nothing new to some members here, but I feel compelled to say this.


Since my mom requires care and moderately close supervision...


I cannot work full time.  


I have not had a vacation or time away from home in 8 years. 


I have missed out on outings, events, and parties because someone needed to stay home with my mom.


I prepare meals. I make sure Ma takes her medications properly. I do laundry. I manage finances. I provide very personal care.  I clean her room and bathroom. I help her manage her phone so she can chat with family members from time to time. I shop and keep her supplied with incontinence supplies, etc. 


If it's a good day, I get a smile and a "thank you".  If not, there is silence and what I can only describe as pained resignation on Ma's part.  


My mom barely speaks to any of us, rarely joins family discussions, and spends most days sitting in a chair reading the same books over and over (or sleeping). There are no greetings (such as "good morning") and few inquiries as to anyone's activities or well being.  


I realize Ma can't help the behavioral issues (due to dementia) and I do feel for her.  But the lack of interaction means the rewards are few and far between.


Just sayin'.

Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
I hear you loud and clear!

Family members really should be more involved in her care; if nothing more than giving you a night out.

That vacation thing is harsh! We have had one vacation in almost 6 years, but we have been able to get away (the 3 of us, me, Mrs. Pepper, MIL) for the odd weekend here and there. But with MIL less and less safe alone, ... you know the drill.

Continuing hugs
Mickeysgirl
Mickeysgirl
Thanks. I very much appreciate the support!
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I hear you.... It can be really hard to care for a parent with dementia.... Very painful

I can remember feeling as though my heart was being ripped out... and I'm not trying to be dramatic

Gentle hug and a blessing....... xo
Mickeysgirl
Mickeysgirl
Thanks. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if my mom didn't recognize me any more.

I'm her daughter and I don't even remember the last time she spoke kindly or lovingly to me. I hope to God I will never be so far gone that I tune out my children.
Community LeaderThePepperMan
ThePepperMan
Perhaps it is time to start thinking of your mom as being the "mom shell" as in she is just a shell of who she used to be. This may let you detach just enough to ease your mind about things. Focus on getting alternative sources of monitoring for her. Perhaps assisted living? It sort of smacks of gaming the system, but if she is ill and is hospitalized, get her into a nursing care facility as a bridge between hospital and home?

Continuing hugs
Huntertown
Huntertown
I feel for you. I have been taking care of my mom for three years now. I have three siblings who don't help me at all. They don't call her or come see her. She keeps asking when she can go home. I can tell her something and few minutes later she ask again. She talks to us. She can get very mean sometimes. I feel your pain.
Mickeysgirl
Mickeysgirl
The mean behavior is really tough, isn't it? My mom once made some semi-nasty comment after I had, literally, just finished cleaning her butt for her. I went to another room, sat down, and burst into tears.

I don't cry much, and outright wailing is rare. But that did it.

How old is your mom? Sounds like she is affected by dementia, like mine.
simpleliving
simpleliving
what you are doing is a "loveless job". I admire you for taking on all the duties that other family members could be helping with. You are amazing to take all that on yourself. Your health and wellbeing is essential. I hope you are able to get the support that you need. I'm sending "smiles", hugs and "thank-you's" your way. Even if they are just words, I hope it gives you some sense of comfort.
Elively
Elively
Her unresponsiveness hurts. But if he is not constantly yelling and screaming at you you are one of the lucky ones.
Mickeysgirl
Mickeysgirl
This is true. I could't have my mom here with us if she were yelling or screaming. It would shatter too many nerves.
LoveMiMa
LoveMiMa
Thank you for sharing. My Mom has dementia and it's getting really bad and the medication does not seem to help anymore. I have been taking care of her for the past few years and some days are better than others. Be strong, you will be blessed! [HUGS]
alansymonds
alansymonds
I can understand your situation, while certain medications can help slow the progression for a time. Have you consult with professional doctors?
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Haldol helped a great deal with combative behaviour however there can be side effects
raymondwoods
raymondwoods
I can understand your situation. I know it is really hard to care for the dementia patients. I have experienced this because my father had dementia and I used to care for him.

The memory care facility like memory care near Morris County NJ http://jchcorp.org/memory-care-morris-county-nj/ is great for people who has dementia. They provide the necessary care and different activities that improve the life of dementia people.
art4life19
art4life19
I understand. My mom doesn't have dementia she has several other health problems she is disabled and she spends a good majority of her days going to different doctors appointments. She takes a lot of medication. I help her put her meds in the sorter once a week. I help her with personal care and cleaning and meals. She does walk on her own and use a walker with a seat called a rollator . She hasn't been doing so good so she was admitted into the hospital today. Don't know how long she will be in there. My Grandmother had dementia before she passed away in 2010. I helped to take care of her and it was hard work and very difficult to watch her slip deeper into dementia and have problems recognizing us and do things like call the police because she thinks we are out to rob her and take her checkbook and when the cops come we have to explain to them that nothing is going on we are her family and we are caring for her. She has dementia and they are free to go help people that really need the cops to help them. I feel for you it is not an easy thing to deal with. You love your loved one that is ill and you want to care for them but it can be very stressful and take a lot out of you.
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