Have you told his doctor about this latest accident?.... Is his doctor a different doctor from his ophthalmologist?

If so I would call his 'eye' doctor re driving

Will he have to take a driving test in March?

It is hard getting your parents to give up their independent, especially fathers. Then there is the pride that kicks in and he is probably use to helping everyone else in the family. So asking for help or assist is hard for them to do. Have you tried getting the family together and having a family discussing with him and everyone expressing their concerns. But you have to be careful using this tactic,you do not want him to think that everyone is ganging up on him. Even though he has not hurt anyone, let him know that if he continue to drive it is possible that he could harm himself or someone else. Have him way the pros and cons to him driving. If there are grandchildren's have them talk to him and tell him how much they love having him around. Older people sometime will listen to younger children. If possible have his doctors talk to him about his driving and how he is endangering his life and other incident peoples.

My MIL used to drive locally. When her children found out that she used her arm to help move her foot from the gas to the brake, they stepped in. Her son the doctor told her that if he was her doctor, he could not sign a release allowing her to drive. Her other son is a lawyer, and he told her that if she got in an accident and they found out about her driving methods she would likely lose her insurance, and she could lose all her assets to the people she hurt.

That was not enough really, so all 4 of her children stepped in and told her that she could not drive any more. They suggested that she give her car to her grand daughter who was local to her. She was not a happy camper, but she gave in.

It may be time for you guys to apply the guilt (what would have happened if that had been a child riding a bicycle that you ran over???), make it a unified front, and threaten to do what ever is legally necessary to take his cars away.

Imagine how you guys would feel if he killed somebody when he was driving.

Sorry for that last one, but my wife and her siblings went through all of those arguments amongst themselves when they were deciding what to do with their mom.

Gentle hugs, I know how hard this can be.

Logic will not work. Take the battery out of the car.

Yes, that is an approach that can work. You can cycle between various replies.

"I can't find a battery for the car at the parts store."

"The dealership wants way too much money for one"

"The battery does not work with the alternator and will not charge"


Failing that, tell him the truth: "Dad, you are no longer a safe driver and we will not let you drive." It may insult him, he may throw a fit, but it will stop him from killing himself or another person.

We had this conversation again tonight. He accused us of stealing his keys and that he is going to call the Sheriff if we don't return his keys. He saw the doctor today and told us he was cleared to drive, the doctor is sending a note to the dmv to reinstate his license, but he will have to take a drivers test. We asked to see the letter, he didn't have a copy of it. We agreed to him taking the drivers test on Monday, only to realize its a holiday and it won't be open. My husband goes to work out of town for the rest of the week and can't be here for him to take the test on Tuesday. I really don't know what we are suppose to do now.
We are going to make sure both his cars are in his garage at the house he owns, therefore we can't be accused of stealing the cars. I'm just not sure what to do with the keys? Let him call the Sheriffs office, leave them in his house (as he is living in assisted living, but can get rides) or just keep them.
I tried to explain he is no longer a safe driver but he disagreed. I also stated if he hurt or killed someone else, how are we do live with it. He just blew up. Told us we needed to adjust our attitudes, quit trying to be the big shots and give him his keys.
We will put a call into the doctor this weekend, see why he cleared him to drive and ask him to put it in writing. I also kept a copy of the letter I sent the doctor asking him not to reinstate his license. I will also inform the doctor, if he does drive, its on him when he has the accident.
I have thought of the battery option, but he is smart enough to figure that out. He will also know we took the battery, will call AAA and have them fix or install a new one.
Sorry to say, I am at the point of just giving him his keys and walking away.

Update on this, the state confirmed his drivers license has been revoked and he will never get it reinstated. He still believes if he takes the test, they will help him pass so he can drive again. After his attempt at the test yesterday, we noticed the neighbor brought the car back, he did not succeed in getting his license.
Since my last post, he hasn't spoken to his son or myself. He has contacted his attorney and is trying to have us removed from his POA, bank accounts and his living trust. His youngest daughter flew in and pretty much caved into everything he wants. Visited his bank and perhaps the attorney as well.
Upon on advice from his doctor, we contacted APS. APS is doing a full investigation on his wife, in turn on him as well.
This morning I learned he left her alone without notifying the staff, missed an OT appointment, then discharging himself. I am very concerned for the both, just relieved at this point he is not driving, but hurt, sad and concerned that he feels he needs to disconnect us from his life just because he doesn't agree with us or is mad at us.
I was told by his youngest daughter that "we took his drives license away", that "we cashed a check" and that "we tried to steal his cars" . None of the above is true. The daughter hasn't supported us and feels he should be able to live as he wants and do as he wants since he doesn't have long to live.
I hate involving APS, but I feel its the only way to protect his wife and him.
Any thoughts?

By all means, get APS involved. Let them know your thoughts; that he is not able to make rational decisions about driving, and that he is trying to manipulate people into letting him drive.

Dealing with his younger daughter is hard. It would be good if she had been on the same page all along. The fact is that you are right and she is wrong; but this is an emotional issue and convincing facts may only come when/if he has a serious accident. So the words you use and the emotion in your presentation need to be carefully chosen. (simple statements not long mono logs; passion in your voice but not condescending tones; inclusive attitude, not controlling ... )

You can let this daughter know that dad has told everybody how "bad" you and your husband are and how "good" she is. But that if she enables him to drive, this will get around and may hurt her. Suggest that she contact a lawyer to explain to her just what her liability would be if she enables his driving and he has a terrible accident.

Get your ducks in a row and fight any change to the POA. A lawyer can guide your through the process, but my thoughts are to make sure that the court knows you are fighting to protect your mother from your father's poor driving decisions, and that you also are trying to protect your father from himself. If he were only putting himself at risk (not complying with medication treatments, smoking or drinking too much, lousy diet, etc) it would be a different story. But if he does drive you fear for not only your parents, but anybody who might be in the way.

Gentle hugs

I agree that getting APS involved isn't a bad thing and if he's seeing a lawyer for his interests that isn't a bad thing either

It's good that he's in touch with and working with his daughter......it reads like he's feeling out of control right now and is just lashing out in frustration

Legally though unless he's deemed unfit meaning he's a threat to himself or to others he can make his own choices

You can ask for a psych assessment if you believe that he's not able to make choices for himself.... It takes A LOT though to have someone's rights taken away from them



I know these times can be really hard on all concerned.....

Hopefully he will calm down about not driving and soon accept what's happened

Big hug and a blessing.....xo

Your FIL is angry, more at the loss of his capabilities than at you. It sounds like his youngest daughter isn't in the loop with regard to the realities of his daily life so, when FIL gripes to her, she naturally takes his word for it; as does his attorney.

It is easy for "outsiders", if you will, to make judgements when they do not deal with elders on a daily basis. My mom used to sound quite lucid over the phone during family chats, but could't carry on a face to face talk in a logical manner.

Can you have a sit-down with the daughter and FILs attorney? Tell them everything about the accident, license, etc. It may be a real eye opener for them.

All the best. I know how hard this is.