Bluebird20, you are in a very difficult situation where you have no power because mom gave her MPOA to the cousin who has enlisted her daughters to help get her way. I am unsure if your mom has the legal capacity to actually make decisions for herself or not. If she is unsafe at home and there is not money to pay for home health caregivers, then this is a problem. It sounds like even the doctor said she should not be living alone - did I understand that is what he meant by it not being safe for her? Or did he mean that last year an assisted living would not be safe due to covid?

The best you can do right now is to take care of yourself. Be good to you. Have you ever heard the saying "its no win for me"? Well that means whatever we do will not turn out well for ourselves or will not end up being a positive situation. You are kind of in this "no win" boat it seems.

We often feel depressed when we feel powerless. Watching someone else have the MPOA over our aging parent whom we feel needs different care can be agony. My husband had to finally decide that his parents gave the power to his sister who was MPOA and in charge, and so they got treated poorly with that sister's decision making but they chose her. They were not neglected or abused, just their needs were largely ignored. Her excuse was "dad wants to stay living in this place" when he could no longer make a wise decision. Your relatives may not value you but you can value yourself and make some decisions about what is best for yourself in this situation.

I am sorry you are struggling with this so. We found it very depressing and heart breaking over my in-laws situation and the MPOA being so clueless and uncaring.

Guardianship can be awarded, however, it costs money.

You can ask the court to oversee your cousin, especially since she is trying to manipulate your mom into a nursing home. You are the daughter.

How long ago did the cousin get the paperwork? What changes have happened since the cousin got the paperwork. You will probably need to speak with an elder care attorney or elder care resource (and you can file a complaint for someone to do oversight of your cousin).

It's hard when family does NOT agree in a positive discussion about what to do with elderly parent/relative.

I am fortunate in that my brother and I agree that mom will do better in her own home. That being said, doing things to help keep her safe takes some effort when she refuses help.

You do need to take care of you first so you can be calm when working with your mother.

I agree to ask a court to step in.... It takes a lot to take someone's power away.... In Canada to have someone declared incompetent at home it's a team of psych experts to make that determination

If you are concerned you could start by calling Adult Protective Services and asking about what the protocol would be if you're concerned about what's going on with your other family members and your mom

I would also call her doctor's office and let them know what you've been told about this appt

You can't force a competent person into a nursing home.... They can just say no

By the same token... Is your mom safe at home and is she competent?... This is so painful... My mom had Alzheimer's and I know how painful and hard these days are...

Sneaking her to sign anything wouldn't be legal.... I would talk again with services to protect her and see what they advise..... Big hug... I am so sorry that you're going through this.... xo

Thank you everyone for your input and suggestions. My Mom can't see well, she is stubborn and getting forgetful. She can afford home health care, but refuses help, because there is nothing wrong. She agrees to one day a week for someone to clean and make her lunch. I don't have the emotional stability to take care of her much. She won't listen, in lataes me. She just drains me. My cousin is into herself and power. The other two go along with her. I am a. Empathetic caring person. I have to distance myself from them all now. My mom has enough money to stay home and be cared for. My cousin won't acknowledge anything I say. I can look on to a family member o. Otherside of family to overturn my nasty cousin. Maybe she could be the medical power of attorney. My mom is somewhat ok. She gets up every day, takes a shower, cooks her own breakfast. I got her back shopping with the senior citizen bus once a week. She has a friend o the bus who helps her shop. It would make us worry less if someone was there. My Mom won't admit she needs help. She is from the depression and doesn't want to spend much money on a home health aid. I can lie and get someone there for a few hours a week more and just say there my friend stopping by to check o.n her. I wind up not caring at all because she takes my energy away.

That's a lie Ibdo care. I will talk to a legal person and protective services. She can't stay by herself much longer though, I agree with the others. But my cousin is wrong to try and manipulate her to sign anything. I will show up at that doctor's appointment

Sadly a lot of seniors don't want to accept that 'they've come to this'... and so it makes it a lot harder on loved ones

If you think that she isn't eating right you could order Meals of Wheels for her... It's not too expensive and she'll have a hot meal delivered each day

I've seen them here and it's quite a bit of food.... Some people break it up into 2 meals

At least then her eating would be covered

Unless she is completely incompetent no one can force her into a home..... She is an adult and has a right to make her own choices even if they're poor choices..

Big hug... I feel for you Blue....xo

Thanks Suncloud, it means a lot. I am sorry for what you went through. God bless

Hang in there, Bluebird20. Has your mom always been stubborn and refusing help or is this something new? I am not really sure how far along her dementia is or if she is safe at home or not safe. It sounds like both you and the MPOA (cousin) have similar goals, you two are just butting heads over how to approach the issue of safety and care. Is it possible you could approach the MPOA with thinking you actually have the same goal of mom's safety in mind? . See where I am going, trying to get this to be a change from butting heads.

I don't know how safe your mom is at home, if she can clean house, clean herself, do laundry, cook meals, brush her teeth, etc. I am wondering how often she is simply alone with no socialization? I am thinking maybe if you toured a very good assisted living facility and see how it would be for your mom, eat there, and then have the facility come assess your mom's level of care needed. Maybe talk to the MPOA and agree to have mom assessed by a geriatric care manager or geriatric social worker and abide by that person's recommendations. Maybe look at the reality of mom not being safe at home any longer or not being able to do chores and how much it would cost to keep her safe at home with caregivers. Have her assessed by some home health care agencies and find out the cost. Asking the MPOA to agree with you that caregivers will come 8-12 hours every day seven days a week. Maybe this agreement could be mom is not allowed to fire them, and its a trial basis for 4 months. Everyone then tells mom these people will come and she can't fire them because it is not safe for her to live alone any longer and you want her fed real meals and have someone to talk to. If mom is not safe at home alone and she runs off the caregivers, then it goes to plan b which is the assisted living facility. We were paying almost $30 USD per hour for a caregiver so it was expensive (plus they were in a good assisted living facility). An assisted living around here is about $6000 per month USD or higher. But you say mom has the financial resources. Another option is having an adult family member move in with mom to be the full time caregiver (this is hard on the adult sometimes).

I highly recommend you reading "Loving Hard to Love Parents" by Chafetz to learn about talking to mom even when she is unreasonable, how to stand firm in her having the care she needs. I wish you the best. We were miserable in our situation with our in-laws because it was simply no win for us. I am sorry you are dealing with this heart wrenching situation.