Before you speak with your cousin in the future, write it out. That will eliminate the main source of personal disagreement.

You are doing the best you can with the information you have.

I feel for you too. Hugs

It is very hard and yes, our parents sometimes have people they refuse to listen to and others they think hung the moon so whatever these people say goes. We found the same. We found it very hard that the sister my in-law who was put as their power of medical and also power of financial attorney (POA) was uncaring and clueless. At some point, we had to look at what we actually had control over. You have no control over your mother's personality. You do have control over how you react to her. Difficult people are difficult. Your mom may have wants and demands but due to her inability to care for herself, it is likely that caring family members have to step in and make changes your mom will resist and be angry about. This calls for our courage and wisdom and marshaling all our internal resources.

I think the six month agreement is fair. I think it is wise to be open to a variety of changes. If you can accept that the POA will eventually have control over your mother's situation because your mother gave her control, then maybe it will be easier to relax into the situation. And yes, labeling this the mutual hate society is not productive. It may feel this way but giving it this negative label almost ensures you will stay angry and resentful towards mom. Accept how it is, and how difficult your mother has become. Or always was. Get the book I recommended, will give you some new skills to cope.

You are trying to caregive perhaps, and also going through healing from surgery. Almost impossible to do both so focus on your healing. Give yourself some self love. Maybe consider starting a journal and write your feelings down each evening. I feel angry that mom called me X today. I feel angry that mom yelled for an hour. My feelings are hurt that mom said my cooking sucked. This allows you to release them on the paper and maybe see a pattern. My MIL got ugly acting every day around 5 pm. Called "sun downing" and my husband used to insist we go visit at this time because this is what he wanted for himself. Not pleasant visits. I finally said, we have a pattern here and she is only pleasant after lunch so I went alone at that time for a while. He kept going at the sundowning time. Finally, he stopped going at all. I kept going earlier in the day. He stayed angry that the visits were terrible, I didn't. Of course, I have more detachment as she isn't my mom.

I had another thought. Maybe your gift in this, your role, is not to be the power of attorney and have to make these difficult decisions. Maybe your role is something else. For example, in our situation with my in-laws, the POA really did not have an easy road. She didn't want to be the "bad guy" and make hard decisions so she did things that actually prolonged the in-laws suffering. There was a lot the POA had to manage, or should have managed. For example: medical stuff, buying the diapers and the paper towels for their unit in the assisted living. While we were frustrated at our lack of control, at the same time we realized that we did not have the 24/7 stress that the POA had, all the obligations, all the decisions. I decided it was a gift to simply be the eyes and ears for my in-laws (since I have professional experience in this area and can recognize issues, needs, etc.). It was a lot of detaching and letting go. Finding acceptance for the things I can't change and the courage to change those I could change, and the wisdom to know the difference. When the POA would not purchase them new clothing, I did. When the POA would not bring over lap blankets when theirs got lost, I did. So maybe think about how your gift or your role is something you can manage in all of this. If you can't handle stress and conflict, maybe see avoiding both as imperative. In your best interests.

Thank you all 3 if you again for sharing, it helps a lot and is appreciated

Bluebird20, you are really doing well. You are reaching out for help and trying to learn new skills and ways of thinking. I do admire you for all of this. It is not easy dealing with an aging parent, and especially hard dealing with an unhappy aging parent. Be sure to take care of yourself, too.

Big hug for you Bluebird..... These can be such stressful times

Even if you have some legal status with your mom unless she has been deemed psychologically unfit you can't make these choices for her.... You can try and encourage her to do what you believe is in her best interest

You can get adult protective services involved if you think she's incompetent to be making choices for herself or you can ask her doctor to have a psychological evaluation done to see if she's competent to be making choices for herself or not

To be found NOT sound to make your own choices is pretty extreme so if you're able to work with her it's better and take good care of yourself through these painful times

For the family to come in and think that they can just take over how she lives and to be fighting about it I would stop.... They have NO legal rights to think that they can put her anywhere.... No one does.... She's a free adult that can do as she chooses unless she's deemed incompetent legally

She has legal rights as an adult unless she's deemed unfit to be making these choices for herself

Sadly unfortunately sometimes people want to make poor choices... I would ask her doctor to refer you to a social worker in order for you to discuss what options might be available

If someone has a power of attorney that just comes into action medically if someone can no longer make their own decisions

It sounds like she's difficult but that doesn't mean that she's unfit.... If a family member is saying that they want her in a nursing home or care facility they don't have that right unless she's been deemed unfit and it's REALLY REALLY unfit here to take someone's rights away to make their own choices ... Very extreme

Here it's a panel of people that make that determination not just one person

I would do the best that you can to encourage her but take good care of yourself and know that sometimes people just don't always make good choices .... We can't control everything

I've been there and I know it's really hard ..... Big hug......xo

My stepdad lives with me. My Mom passed seven years ago and he ended up with alcohol dementia.

If you feel she's declining, set an appt with her Dr., and discuss why in advance and use an excuse to go. If the Dr. can show concern then you search out State help. In Arizona we have a state program called Arizona Longterm Care. Hoping the best for you.