thank you. i'm beginning the process of trying to getting through this, believe or not. but it's hard when your own wife, after all that has happened, interacts with her family as though the world is "just fine, thank you." listening to it and seeing that knowing that they still don't have any intention of changing is just darn wrong...

Just want to say hello and hope everything going on fine at ur end. How's ur wife and children doing ? whatever you feel ..just went away here..we are all here for you. My prayesr and wishes so God fills your heart with peace today and always.
Regards.

bh7575,

thank you. trying to work things out. not easy, but school is about to begin and have to find some creative ways to deal with how to take care of my kids when they are not in school and i have other obligations. can't, won't rely on her family so, will need to call on non-family support group...it's going to be a long and exciting school year. put up our christmas tree a few weeks back to bring some good feelings into the house. mostly for me....

Hello again,soccerrprp, good evening. I am glad u tried to pt up the christmas tree..yes..that feels good. do whatever that makes you feel peaceful and nice so that once you feel energetic, everyone and everything in homes comes together smoothly. my prayesr that by God's grace..your caring for ur kids once the school begins becomes easy. please if possible..try to tell God that you are surrendering everything to God and I am sure..once we calm our minds..we get creative ideas to handle any situation and also please if possible..try to remember to think of only ONE DAY at a time..i know i know its easy to tell others but difficult to practice..just try atleast and slowly it feels nice and feelslike..ok ..we have to deal only one day and for tomorrow..God will provide it tomorrow..so let us not drain our energy thinking of tomorrow..anyway tomorrow is not here yet.

I knwow we have to plan for tomorrow but at the same time..its difficult to not worry for tomorrow..but by God's grace..slowly hope ur minds calms down and you receive help by God's grace through anyone whoever God intended the way that u need to be helped. Please take care of urself also so that u can care for ur family members.

take care again, my prayers for your wife and children and for u too for God peace fill your heart always.

Regards.

I can definitely relate. My husband's mom, aunt, brother, grandfather, and fellow firefighters are all there for him.. but not for me or the children, really. And we have 4 children ages 11, 9, 7, and 4. His family just criticizes everything that I do and everything that I say! As for my family? Well, my dad is there for me. But, not really anyone else. I don't have any friends. I don't really have anyone. I tried leaning on his friends, since I know them pretty well, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere but feeling like a burden. So, it's been less than 2 months and already I'm on my own..... But you know what? I'm realizing that I'm A LOT stronger than I ever thought I was! Have faith in yourself and know that you have what it takes! The Lord will never give us more than we can handle! It may seem like a lot at first, but in another month, what happened today will seem small in comparison. Things get better, but that takes time. So, prepare for now, lean on your friends, and trust yourself!

GadgetGirl90,

Thank you. Yes, I try to convince myself that I'm strong and I try to take some solace in that...I do. But not easy for me right now. My young children have been dismissed, my wife has not been given the attention and support that she should get from her only sibling. It's not what they've done to me, it's about what they haven't done for my children and my wife....

You make me feel like I'm not alone as far as dysfunctional families. My husband had a severe stroke at the age of 45. He is disabled and personality wise very different. His family has been horrible to him, my daughters and of course me. They told me to "go to hell" when I begged them to see him in the hospital. They said "you can't expect me to see him when he looks like that." When they called him they said "your life is ruined...so what, who cares." It's hard to let go of such hurtful comments at a time when you need family most. I don't understand how parents can treat their children with such disregard. I don't understand how his 3 brothers, including his very own twin, can turn their backs on him. Where is the love?

gottarun2,

i am very sorry that you are going through this. i don't know the answer. it is incredibly baffling to me how people can act this way. as people have often told me, we need to let go and continue doing what we do. easier said than done, i (we) know. SIGH.

I know what it feels to be alone with your challenges in life. I finally excepted that family is not gonna be around to help, so I do my best to take care of my son, who has a disability since birth. Most the times I am doing alright, because I know there are worse things in life, but sometimes I long for the extended family that helps out, but I can just dream about that. Hang in there. You can not change other people in your family. Just do your best and specially love yourself and the people you care about. Adios, enchanting123

enchanting,

I've prayed for you and your family. This is going to be a long, difficult road for me. Forgiveness seems to elude my sensibilities at the moment and that, in itself, ticks me off. I am doing my best by being who I am to the best of my ability. I am so busy that I have NO time for myself and can't seem to trust anyone else to fill in for me. How is your son? I hope your immediate family is as supportive as you need.

Soccerrprp: Isn't it amazing how many others are going thru the same thing with family or friends. This is a difficult time for you both, and with children it makes it much more difficult. My husband has cancer, but we do not have children in the home. We both have family and are in the same boat. It is very hurtful, I know. At first my husband did not notice it as much, as I. But that was the make of his family. They deal with things on the surface, and are in denial. I can only speak for myself and tell you this...it hurts me deep down inside seeing behave this way, no doubt, but I also believe it is myself displacing anger, something else to focus on, distracks me from getting mad that my husband has stage 4 w/mets cancer. I truely believe I am doing that. BUT their lack of involment is shameful!!! I am so angry over it all myself, just like you. Look at this way...it is your life, your decisions, your nest, it's about your & her & your children. If her family were not here on this earth, it comes down to all just you. So concentrate on all of you. Don't have any expectation of them, but you are not going to get it. If conversation with them are upsetting, don't have any. Haven't heard from my mother-in-law for a month. She has taken the atttitude she is the princess adn we should be calling her. Some days under circumstances I don't remember who I called and gave updates to or didn't adn some conversations can be exhausting! Why are we not doing this or that, try this hospital or that...everyone becomes an expert! We have a great medical team and a great hospital cancer treatment center...might not be "Sloan", as they say, but it is still on the top of the list. Don't exhaust yourself. Your dedication is to one another. I know it must be hard for you, because you are taking on a lot more than every before I bet. Try looking into resources of maybe someone to help with laundry, yard work, what ever you feel would be helpful. They say we need to ask. I had my mother-in-law down for 3 weeks and she did not lift a pinky! Sat on the sofa and read adn went swimming in the pool. She told her son "Your a tough guy you will get thru this." WOW! I really do understand. My husband and I both are working at setting our boundries and expectations of the family. I have no problem calmly telling them how it is. In the beginning I was told "This is not about me." I finally told her "I am not the one with the cancer, but this does IMPACT OUR LIFE, so it is about me too." AS you can see I am venting, as well adn it still bothers me. Never thought people would be so self absorbed. My husband was going thru a rough time mentally when he found out his cancer spread and no cure, got depressed. When she came down she said "I don't know how you do it I would have left him a long time ago. My mother had cancer and was always smiling and didn't act this way." I calmly told her she couldnt be all that cure of that because she was miles away living her life and raising her children, not living in the same home with her parents, and everyone's jouney is different, and being 71 compared to 47 big difference. I asked her to imgine having the flu for 3 years, feeling that ill, now how do you think you would feel mentally, now add that you have heard there is no cure. She didn't & doesn't get it. Being empathetic & understanding is a GIFT! You might want to first take the approach and come straight out and ask them if there is any reason? Or perhaps take the appraoch and say "Hey, we are family adn this is a difficult time, for all of us, would you be so kind to help me in -------?" And see how that goes. Just try it for kicks and see where/what you get. I felt the same way towards my husband, but it took some time but the truth was eventually revealed to him by their lack of involment and with help of counseling. Unfortunatly, we really just have aquaintences so have no help at all. I remember one day (I was laid off from my job before his DX) I was mowing the yard, which is difficult for me, and crying. It's not easy being a caregiver. Let us know how things go and I hope you try those suggestions. And please pardon me for sharing my on story and venting. I do fell your pain.

stryder,

i hear you! but the culmination of my great disappointment included asking, on a number of occasions, for help and being denied for one lame reason or another. it should be noted that i never asked for financial help, rather, help in taking my (at that time) 2-year son into their family while I spend time with my wife while she was in the ICU and young children were prohibited to enter. simple, right? "just let my 2-year spend a night or two with your family." at the very beginning they were great, then the excuses came and it all went down hill from there. this was 4-years ago. nearly lost my wife twice since and each occasion, my children, now 6 and 3, have probably seen their uncle and aunt a handful of times during the last 4-years. they live 40 miles away. looking back to all that has happened, i am very much dedicated to protecting my children from such people. the most unfortunate thing is that this also means that my children will unlikely become close to their cousins...blame for that, but cannot afford to have my children around two-faced, selfish people who are committed to living lives of self-absorption and pretentiousness....

i am praying for you and your husband. i pray that he is doing better. thank you.

Soccerrprp-So very sorry, sorry for your children, and your wife. A friend of man once said "I hope your husband puts down on paper his feeling of there behavior adn how hurtful it was to him to pass on should anything happen." Sounds cruel, but the truth of matter. they still probly wouldn't get it. Self absorbed, is self absorbed. You keep doing whay you are doing and stay focused on your family, that's all that matters. I hope you find other resources that are helpful to you. Thank you for your prayers. Been 3 weeks since his mom called!

I am living in this situation as well. What is it about families? My in-laws are both in their 80's and in failing health requiring much care. My BIL and SIL got their noses in a snit and now are treating myself and my husband like we are the dirt of the earth. Their daughter came from out of state and spent a week with them and that was a great help to my husband and myself.

I lost both my parents when I was young. My mom when I was 21 and my dad when I was 28. I am now 50. The fact that they have their parents at this age is remarkable and they should be doing everything they can to help them rather than acting out.

They, like all the the other inlaws and outlaws mentioned here think "IT"S ALL ABOUT ME!'. They really, really think that. Sad people.

bobsue and stryder,

thanks. my wife's cancer has spread throughout her brain and prognosis is especially poor. just when i thought i was coming to some grips with the in-laws, her brother says he wants to plan a family trip. asks if she can fly, I say no, not long distance, then I tell him that hopefully, in the future, if things improve a little, we could make a nice trip to disney world, he changes his tune and decides that he was really only thinking of something local...earlier in the conversation he was talking about Colorado (we live in TX). So we went from "can she fly" to "colorado" to let's make plans to have an outing to 6-flags just 30 minutes away....(i'm laughing now...). oh, he thought he was being magnanimous by telling me that he'll make time from his private corporate lawyer life where there are 120 other lawyers working on a huge deal....i wanted to laugh then. this coming from a man who did not visit his sister once during the entire summer at our home and only a handful of times when she was in the hospital and it was more convenient for him.... i should just tell him to "piss-off".... but, my wife would not approve...