hi. i am 30 years old and i finished my nursing degree when I was 23 yo. I had several trainings like IVT and Adult Critical Course which lasted only for a month. I also attended some seminars. When i was about to graduate, i was diagnosed with depression. And i have anxiety too. This really interfered with the one month training, I was always panicking and scared. I cant think clearly and was always anxious. The nurse is always telling me to "relax" . I was having a hard time setting up the infusion pump too. I get scared when it beeps and it feels like i dont know what to do. Over all i feel like I am embarrassing myself. I got even more depressed because of this. However i finished and got the certificate. During the IVT, (INtravenous traning), i couldnt even insert the needle in the vein. The training usually lasts for 3 days. I finshed 7 days. Because of this i doubted my ability to be a nurse. I narrated this to my doctor and she told me to pick another career. Because this is too stressful for me. 2 doctors told me that. After some years, i took the NCLEX ...i am still hopeful..but i failed. BTW i live outside the US. My depression wasnt imporving for years. I mean, i get by, but it was on and off. Sometimes, although rarely, I've had like 3 panic attacks all my life. Sometimes at night or once when I was outside. I explored other career like baking but I knew that it isnt for me. I am the kind of person who is always inscure and self conscious and anxious. I learned how to drive (for 5 days) but was too scared to continue it. I think my reflex is slow. I have many negative "what ifs"..but somehow still when i was able to make the car move, i was proud of myself because somehow i can follow instructions and i thought that i was doing the impossible. Last month my dad was brought to the hospital for colonoscopy. I was the one with him. It was just a one day confinement. The next day I was told to pay the bill with my uncle. At first it was ok. But when the girl in the cashier was telling me something about the health insurance, it made me anxious, almost like a panic attack. The rest of the time I was really really anxious. The when it was settled, my dad asked me to buy a diaper. Still anxious at that time, i asked the nurse on the station how to buy and where to buy this. She gave me an instruction it was soo simple but i couldnt understand it! I got lost in her words. I was shaking! I asked her to repeat and step by step i went down and got the diaper. Phew. After a month, my dad brought me to a new doctor. The previous doctor gave me medicine that wasnt working for me. Plus he wasnt giving me cognitive behavioral therapy. I just think that he is not sincere. Anyway my dad brought me to a new one. Then he assesed me well. He asked me several questions. I told him about my training experience and how nervous I was. That i am always panocky confused. I am not sure if i mentioned that my mind is slow in picking things up. I told him that i was nervous on intravenous therapy and skin test. He said the it is just basic nursing skills. You did this when you were in college. (to be honest not much)The i blurted out i am a member of a weight loss support group on the web. Then he asked me are u concious and i told him yes. So he got my weight and my bmi. He said that u have a low self confidence. Losing weight will help me gain my self esteem. This gave me hope. Because its like someone believed in me and things might be possible for me especially nursing. So now im working on my weight loss. dieting and recently got a trainer in the gym. So far so good. Thank god.He gave me a new medicine. it worked for me. However i am having difficulty in sleeping. Before consulting this docotr for two weeks i couldnt get up in bed, i wasnt eating, lost 7 pounds. Luckily i found the right med for me becuase of him so I am thankful.I recently met a guy oniline who is a nurse also. I told him about what happened to me. He said get well and regain your confidence, i told him that i am scared of inserting an IV. He said there are plenty of youtube videos out there. Learn. He was right. He told me too to attend seminars. He was nice. he became a friend. I wanted to be honest. I am not sure if i am still interested with nursing. Its been years. I dont know if this is just a "confidence" issue. I am scared of going back to the hospital to train. I am scared that i would get traumatized and criticized again. Its just so hard. Maybe i dont want to make myself interested because i am soo scared to try. When I think about going back, i get stressed.But still im considering to test the water. I would like to train for intravenous training, its less than a week..just to feel it out. To make things better if that would be succesful id sign up for a 2-3 months training in a tertiary hosp. Then if i can do it, i would take the nclex and would work formally.I have plan b and c. I am an artsy kind of person. I am considering a career change. Digital arts school or going to make up school.I dont know if i am asking the right question or saying the right things, do i sound like giving up? or should i still pursue nursing?? What can u say about me testing the waters?? Am i just being relaistic with my abilities??I am kinda confused. Sorry so long. Hope someone will reply. just need help.thank you!