I met my now husband a couple of months after turning 36. I don’t know why everyone else I knew met their partners years before I did. I mean some of them have since divorced so there is that. But ultimately what they have or don’t have isn’t really my business.

Honestly, I had a major shift in my mindset around 34-35. I just stopped worrying about “it” happening. I dated, but without putting pressure on myself about finding the one. Maybe there is no just one person. Maybe there is more to my life. So I focused on doing really cool shit either by myself or for myself, and making new friends and just living my life in a very present, in the moment way. I just stopped try so hard. It was such a relief.

I don’t think it’s about being anyone’s turn. I think we simply meet people and we either say, no thanks or we give it a shot. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t think it’s much deeper than that.

So maybe just try to relax and take the pressure off yourself and try to not worry about it so much.

@rbm - that's what I was doing before meeting my most recent ex. I had graduated therapy and was just living life. I was going out and meeting new people with no expectations. I'll be 35 next weekend and I'm having to start over from scratch and honestly, I'm just tired of it. I'm an only child, so I have always just been alone and I'm so tired of it.

I can relate to some of what you are saying here. Particularly needing someone to "match" where you're at. I believe that if we can find acquaintances and friends who can match our energy, passions, etc. then we can find mates that do so as well. Because long-term romances ideally start with friendships.

I admire the work that you have done and your readiness for your life to be more than it is. You seem to be longing to reach your full potential and that is electric!

While reading your words I felt someone who is ready to move on to better things, a person that will in time be THE ONE. There is someone out there that will cherish and adore you.

Sending you love!

When we struggle against reality, we feel anxious and unhappy. As long as you push for ANY love, it will not be the right love (spouse, partner, etc.). When you release this need, it will eventually happen. When we label our current reality, or being alone, as bad then we suffer.

I am working on something called radical acceptance. This might help you cope with the desires of your heart and the pain of rejection.

I have been rejected much of my life. And finally I realized I would find peace of mind with radical acceptance. Google it and read some articles about it.

And I realized that I had to heal this rejection that sits in my soul. I can't be whole until I work on ME and the whole rejection issue.

You have value and you matter and you have done so much already. But that little piece that screams when will I be good enough to attract real love has to be healed. You deserve to do the work to heal this. You have value and worth and I wish you the best.

I understand what you're saying. But it will happen for you.

I agree with so much of what @rmb wrote above. Look around. Are some of your friends getting divorced now? Or are unhappy in their relationships? Nowadays, people don't find their forever person until later in life. You are young, you have plenty of time. Not to worry :-)

I replied to your previous post. I did have one thing to add. I don't mean this to be hurtful in any way. But you described that last guy as so great. And he wasn't. And if you look at it another way, that's over 2 years that you wasted with a not great guy. So you would have been 33 and looking.... does this make sense? What I'm *trying* to say is you need a better "picker" as they say, to break up with a guy as soon as you see those major red flags. To not try to "fix" a guy or adapt to his incompatibility. Not to settle. I am wondering if you might have any co-dependency issues??

Anyway, lecture over :-) Try meetup, they will have singles on there with similar interests. See if your friends know a good guy to fix you up with.

I think most of my relationships happened when I wasn't really looking.

You'll be fine.

I know the feelings all to well. Unfortunately, I struggle in many areas from wanting financial independence to emotional independence from my stressor who’s been insensitive and I suffer chronically as a result of his neglect. But that’s not your story. I’m happy you’re still young and beautiful, smart, happy. You deserve to be loved. I believe I am worthy of love too, my struggle is that I truly tried to become self efficient and non reliant to anyone else as a result of being deprived of my rights our income as a military career spouse and dependent with three military brats, to my husband of 20+ years but it all backfired on me. He became despotic, I’m in worse shape than ever before. It’s been a civil matter with his incivil harming point of view towards me. I realize it all depleted me and made me even more mentally sick of it all. There is no point to life when unable to want to live. I’m proud of you tho for becoming self efficient and for getting out of a relationship on time that was no longer serving you (as you described). I wish all young women to realize self efficiency is the vehicle to self independence. Best to you.

@GirlinCalif - no, but now I'm 35 and starting over.... My therapist put it in a way that made a lot of sense - he suffers from untreated and unrecognized depression, which is what I FIRMLY believed caused this (because of my own personal battle with depression and having been raised in an environment of depressed family members).

What I did - I had compassion for him because I understood his suffering, and I let it overshadow the compassion I should have had for myself. I KNEW he was treating me poorly. I SAW the red flags as soon as they showed up and I DID self-advocate for my needs, repeatedly -- and I was repeatedly ignored or dismissed. I chalked that up to his depression and stayed to help support him through it (because I didn't have anyone to do that for me) when I should have just left.

I mean you can see it how you want but I don’t consider the end of a relationship to be starting over. It’s just a transition, another phase in our lives. That is what life really is: ever changing circumstances.

Relationships are risk based propositions. Some last a long time and some don’t. It doesn’t mean your life resets back to square one. It means you keep moving forward. That’s it. You will likely meet someone again and if you do it may work out or it may not. Who knows. I feel like there is this fallacy that we all will meet someone and live happily ever after. And if we don’t, or it doesn’t happen within a certain time or at all, then something is wrong with us. It’s complete BS. Not everything is gonna happen for everyone. I’m married. Never thought I would be, but here I am. Did having a partner make me feel complete and accomplished? Absolutely not. Because I still have to be ok with myself independent of having a partner. What I know is if my relationship ended, whether through divorce or death, I would be sad and grieve, but I know I would absolutely be ok, would keep plugging along. My life would still have meaning and I would be whole and ultimately be at peace.

I think most of us want companionship. So the desire is understandable. I just think we set ourselves up for disappointment if we think we somehow we are getting the shaft if we haven’t found someone by a certain time frame or if we compare ourselves to others. I would choose being happy independent of anyone else any day. Everything else is cake.

People say it's when you stop "looking" and least expect

Makes me want to throw up

I’m mission oriented with purpose and passion. So, I can see where my focus has been and the fact I’m stubborn with my moral convictions makes it even a fact not to be looking for trouble. Best be safe at home and fix what’s broke and the problem to solve. Written proposals are to remain academic for me. Just saying.

“It” happens like anything else in life happens: right place, right time, happenstance, choices, etc.

I think people sometimes want “it” to happen so badly that they ignore obvious flaws or issues with the other person. I think within 3-6 months you can usually tell if the person is ready for a relationship, if they are emotionally available, mature, have their shit together, if there is compatibility etc. If we choose to ignore those things and think the person will change or we can make them better by simply loving them, that is our own flawed thinking and about ourself not the other person. Doesn't mean people don’t change over the course of a relationship for better or worse but I do think a lot of information about someone can be gained in those first few months of getting to know them.

If we want a good relationship with a quality person it starts internally first. And I think when we are emotionally and mentally healthy and truly comfortable with ourselves, the quest for “it” naturally becomes less the primary focus or goal.

I don’t believe when you stop looking that’s when you meet someone. Obviously if a person wants a relationship they have to put themselves out there and be open to meeting others. But I think the finer point of that expression might be that we just need to be ourselves in the world, independent of who we meet or don’t meet, comfortable in who we are, where we are, and the rest, whatever that is, will follow. Otherwise if we are trying so hard to make “it” happen, we aren’t really being our authentic selves but rather what we think others want or find desirable. I never felt more myself when I finally thought, screw it. if I meet someone great and if I don’t, that’s ok too. I no longer felt like I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, over and over again. It’s exhausting. I could just be myself and people I’d meet could take it or leave it. That’s it.

OP I’ve been where you are. To be ok wherever I was in my life, it took a lot of self awareness, real change in my self perception and the perception of what it means to be a happy , self actualized woman in a world that applies a standard that if you are without a partner, kids, whatever, you have failed. I like what hasty_05 says about the concept of radical acceptance. Because it is ultimately so empowering.

If we are lucky to live long enough, we get the privilege of continuing to learn, grow, evolve and adapt. How I felt about some things in my 20s was not how I felt about some things in my 30s, and so on, because we are constant works in progress and life isn’t a stagnant straight line, thank goodness. Embrace the evolution, the changes, the possibilities. Life is NOW.

RR, you have shown good insight on this post. I am impressed. Now that you understand yourself better, you can work on your own healing. The next time you meet someone as dysfunctional as this ex, you will recognize it loud and clear and can stop yourself from engaging. Whether this is a friend or a potential love.

@rmb - That is where I was at when we met. I was putting myself out there, but really had no expectations. I was happy with myself (finally after years of hard work in therapy) and I was fine either way. I know and have known what my worth is, the type of partner I am, and what I want in a partnership. I wasn't trying to be in another relationship (I had just been ghosted by someone I had dated for 3-4 years) - I was just trying to meet new people and see what happened. When I met my ex, it just *clicked*. I felt like I had finally found "home" - I don't really know how else to explain it. He was going through a rough patch in life (he had just been laid off and was working on figuring out his next move) - but I understand that things happen that are beyond your control and gave him a shot anyway. He got his stuff together pretty quickly afterward.

I agree with you that you can usually tell within the first few months if the person is ready for a relationship. We had that conversation during month 4 when he shared his past and the fact that he was falling for me and was scared of getting hurt again (again, I understand this). I reassured him that I was in it for the long haul and I was willing to work through any issues that came up with him as a teammate. I gave him the option - If that's what he wanted, then we could continue. If it wasn't, he was free to leave. I made it very clear that I was not interested in wasting my time on another relationship that was not going to go anywhere. I didn't want to be two, three years down the road starting all over again (jokes on me, I guess, because that's EXACTLY where I am at again.) I mentioned then that he should find a therapist and work through those feelings. He agreed that he was just scared, but that he was ready and willing to be my teammate through life. The first year - 16 months were great. He got a job he was happy at, and he loved me like I'd never been loved by anyone before. He encouraged me to just be ME - which I had never felt empowered to do by anyone.

I know that he started experiencing depression earlier this year around a close friend's death anniversary (it happened four months into the relati0nship as well - it's around the same time of year). The difference is that he changed jobs last November and had just received a promotion which meant he wasn't working full days anymore. He was sitting at home and not being productive, so his depression just spiraled out of control. I just happened to be the one he was closest to, so I ended up bearing the brunt of it.

I know that this isn't my fault. I never changed within the relationship - I stayed true to who I was and what I wanted. I was supportive, compassionate, and understanding - but I also self-advocated and expressed and communicated my needs in a healthy, adult manner. I tried to address issues with compromise like adults in healthy relationships do. I could not have done anything else - I was (and AM) an amazing partner. The effort completely stopped from him. He stopped showing any interest in me and stopped communicating with me. He started expecting me to completely support him and the relationship while he gave nothing back. I work two jobs while he was home almost all day. yet the expectation was that I was to cook every night, deep clean the apartment, fix anything that broke, do laundry, etc. He started making large decisions that affected both of us without discussing it with me first (he bought a new mattress that I wasn't going to be able to sleep on because it was extremely uncomfortable for me, among other issues I had with it) - yet he wouldn't lift a finger to help with other big life decisions (we were supposed to be moving to a bigger place in March and he didn't contribute to locating that place at all. I had to do ALL of the work on where we were going to live and how we were going to go about achieving that - I was going to do a rent-own with a friend of mine who does real estate on a little townhome. Come to find out after he left, he didn't want to do that - but he never said anything about it.)

I truly love the person I fought to become. I have a lot of amazing qualities and no one can take those away from me or influence me to diminish them. I am feeling these frustrations because, as an only child to parents who didn't want to be parents, I have ALWAYS been alone. I have ALWAYS done everything by myself and have never had support or someone to lean on (I have friends, but they can only do SO MUCH). I'm tired. I need a break from always doing everything on my own - figuring out everything on my own. It's like playing a game of basketball against a full team when you're the only one on yours.

You sound like an amazing woman.
Focus on the positive of you and what you do.

He lost out.

You will find the happiness you desire

Those are some very kind and thoughtful words coming from Lifesucks.