Like you said, it is more complicated now. Not apples to apples baby. Your situation is still to be determined.

Good point. I have a lot more going for me now than I did back then. I have my own house, I have plenty of money to do whatever I want, I am in great shape, I can do what I want when I want. But I sit at home and watch crappy movies and eat shitty food. And I wake up with anxiety. What the hell happened to me? I thought this is what most unhappily married men hoped for. Peace and quiet and the freedom to live. So why do I hate it so much?

I think because our souls changed. I minds may not know that fact, but our hearts does. We at some point felt that union of two becoming one and now half of that is gone and we are left figuring out how and what will fill it again.

Great answer, lookin, and right on.

Lynne

I keep thinking of this. I'm not sad I'm single but, I am sad that becoming single again took a toll on my passion for life.

Oh Z sad, but so right. We need new passions.

Very good question and answers... I agree - we have changed. Our marriages changed us, and, even more, our divorces have taken a big piece of our hearts. I'd love to turn off the memory switch but it doesn't work that easily. I'm not heartbroken so much anymore, but I realize this is a long process of recovery. I'm coming up on two years. I'm giving it at least five before I feel normal! But that doesn't mean I can't have happiness in the meantime....

Well for me it was harder becuase I have children with this man and will forever be binded to him. So the out of sight out of mind doesn't work in most of our situations with children involved. As far as being single, I'm embracing this new role and enjoying it, never really enjoyed my singlehood in my early 20s.

In my opinion it's because you are looking for more now. You have children to think about. I'm proud of you for not just grabbing the first girl to walk by because "some" men do that. When you are ready you will pick someone awesome not just whoever happens to be there.

Big Hugs ((((Rman)))) This day will get better. Love Dj

For one, you still see your stbx and that isn't conducive to the healing process my sweet Rman. I suspect you don't get to go out with friend, play drums or pursue your own interests, am I right?

The best way I can explain this is the way they did it for us in a divorce support group. When you are single you are this paper plate and your wife is that paper plate. You get married and you are glued together (spread glue and press together, continue talking while glue dries). Everything goes along well, until you decide to separate. Now you are stuck together and when you try to pull apart, what happens? Part of your plate (heart) stays with her and part of her plate (heart) stays with you. It's never a clean split, is it? Your heart isn't whole, it has to mend.

That, my dear Rbaby, is why the situation is different and you need a support group.

You may be in the same living status as you were before you met your wife, but the road you have traveled has left you enriched with memories and experiences both good and bad. Those things along with maturity allow for personal growth and reflection.

At our age, we've transitioned from narcissism to being compassionate and sharing our lives with someone. We've discovered that sharing is fun even with the risk of getting hurt.

In my vantage point Rman, I think this is why you care.

(((((hugs))))))

You're used to life as a pair, this is something completely different. I love alone time, but after having been in a relationship for 20 years it is hard to get used to all of the alone time. It is very complicated, hopefully in time this too shall pass.

It must be something in the air, I was thinking the same thing today.

You have just lost a primary member of your family. If that had happened when you were single, it would have been as devastating as this is. Grief over the loss changes us. Those with children, financial problems, work, health issues, etc have massive anxiety added to the grief.

Think about all the other things you used to do/ "didn't give a shit about" when you were younger compared to now. Life changes us.

You are mourning the loss of your marriage and the loss of a lover, confidant, and partner. It's okay to be sad that you are single because of these reasons. Before you met your wife, you were single by choice.

Living with the STBX is really difficult especially when she bitches about you playing set. Heart to heart percussionists here. It also helps when you have someone to play with. You should really just get on and play soon. Music is such a spiritual experience. It's healing. We need it.

This is my current theme song. I'll share it with you if you want.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1nRwtI77KQ
((((RMAN))))

first off, let me say that even though we haven't talked alot, i think you're a really cool guy and you are exceptionally funny. I'm really, really sorry you're having such a difficult time.

Now to answer you're question, which is a really good one, in my opinion it's a matter of the emotional attachment and emotions in general. Before you got married, you weren't emotionally attached to a girlfriend. You obviously had strong feelings for you're wife, and cared for her a whole lot. Anytime someone you love or care leaves you, theres feelings of abandonment, not being good enough. and of course depression. Those feelings more than likely weren't present beforehand, or if they were, they weren't as strong. In my opinion, thats why everything is the same as before yet entirely deifferent.

I hope you pull out of this depression in the near future. You deserve to be happy, and you've got alot of people on her that feel the same way. Keep you're head up buddy, and don't forget you aren't alone