Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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What I am even doing?

jprjat
jprjat
I am having a very difficult time and really looking for support. I have been married for nearly 15 years most of which I have to say have been full of tears and heartbreak. We have 4 kids (14, 12, 11, and 8). He has cheated and left me on more than one occasion. We have always managed to get back together but never really working anything out. Well true to who we are, 9 months ago he left me again. For the first 5 or 6 months we barely talked and he barely saw the kids. I filed for divorce in January. He started coming around more and finally taking the kids on his weekends. No financial support whatsoever since the split. Well he has been coming around more and more and we are speaking to each other and we have talked about some issues that we have had and again that if we ever want it to work out it will take alot of work and time. Here is the thing, I love this man with all my heart and I have always believed in marriage and staying together but I am so tired of hurting and crying. I know deep down he is a great man but I dont see that man very often. It tears me apart to let him go. I have thought about it so many times but I am so scared to let him go. I know what I need to do but my heart hasnt quite caught up to my brain. I feel very weak most of the time and especially when he comes around. I remind myself of all the hurt and pain he has caused but I still miss him. Please I need support and encouragement because I cant do this on my own.
milliejay
milliejay
Interesting - If you feel that you can't do this on your own - seek therapy. Until you respect yourself, no one else will. Stop letting him come back whenever he wants to - who's going to respect someone who does that? No financial support? Why are you allowing this?
It sounds to me like you allow your own pain and hurt. It's okay to love people but it's more important to love ourselves. Sure, a marriage should be a forever thing - but I think that's the case when both parties are in it. It's not meant to be a forever one sided thing. Seek therapy so that your mind gets to a healthy place and controls your life - not your emotions. Be well.
writer101
writer101
Am happy to hear that you earned a huge honor at work. I know that having someone close to share it with would mean a lot. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this in your life. Hope you find the support you need each day. You remain in my prayers.
sja
sja
The thought of being alone is a terrifying one, for sure. For most of us, our relationships define us as a person, and we derive our worth from their success/failure. The thing is, it is far less lonely to be alone, once you get comfortable with being with yourself. I found taking an art class extremely helpful, it is the first thing I have done for myself in nearly 20 years. I found my "niche". I'm a mom, but I also now have something I love to do and it is all about me. Find that thing for you. Go to your local art center and see if they offer classes, your local community college may offer adult enrichment classes, meetup.com, go out with friends you couldn't before, really anything! As cliche as it sounds, with out the lead weight of your husband tying you down, the world is your oyster. What you do with it is your call. You can sit home and mope or get yourself out there an meet people, go to concerts, etc. If money is an issue, there is often a lot of free or cheap things you can do that will get you out of the house and out in society. You can do anything you want, because you don't have him to hold you back.

Just remember, "When someone treats you like an option, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation".
jprjat
jprjat
Remove myself from the equation.....if only it were that easy but I sure am trying. He just has a way of dragging me back in. I am started to see the light at the end of the tunnel though and I know I just have to keep moving forward for myself and my kids. Thanks for all the help and encouragement.
LostNFound3
LostNFound3
Congratulations on your career success! Focus on that for a little bit as a positive example that you are valued and valuable, even outside your relationship. Use any success or any feedback, especially from this group, to combat that fear and low self-esteem that undermines your resolve and lets him walk all over you. You are important and valuable, as a mother and an employee and just for being you.

Great job building character in your children! Focus on what you know to be true. As much as it hurts, try to picture a friend telling you how she is being treated by her husband - with your reality as that description. What advice would you give to that friend? Would you tell that friend it is fine to allow herself to be treated this way?

As scary as it is, keep setting and enforcing those boundaries. They are the key to recovery and healing and becoming a stronger, confident new you.

Most of us here are struggling to do just that. We all have good days and bad days. Setbacks happen but do not define our efforts. We can get back up and keep moving forward. It is the only way through.

Best wishes to you.
strongandsilent
strongandsilent
So sorry you are going through this. My husband cheated on me. Very painful. It has been just over a year sine I found out. At various points he wrote emails saying how much he regretted it and wanted me back. I desperately wanted to. I really only had one criteria - he had to be done with her. But, I didn't have to say it. All I had to do (each time) was give him a couple of days without committing to him. Every time, rather fighting for me, he took the easy road and went back to her. He could not stand to be alone and uncomfortable. I realise that he could never be a true partner to me. His own needs will always come first. He does not have the fortitude, the strength, to stand by me when I need him most. So, it certainly is not a relationship that will support me.

I desperately miss the daily companionship. But, I know it wasn't perfect with him anyway. I am a year out. It is definitely. Easier - but there is room to go.

Yes, it will take time. But, you deserve a real partnership. Someone who will give you support and energy - not just take yours. It will be a hard journey whenever you start it. So, might as well start now. You are definitely worth it!
jprjat
jprjat
I am so scared of this journey. Absolutely terrifies me. I feel like I am losing it. I feel so weak around him and I still give in to whatever he wants. He came over last night to take our bed and exchanged it for a different. Ridiculous that I just let him do that but I didnt want to argue with him. After he left the kids asked why I gave him the bed. I really didnt have a good answer. They kept saying "mom it was your bed too". When my daughter asked him why he was taking it he said "we bought it for me to help with my back". He is just so selfish and I just keep giving and giving. Why do I keep doing this to myself. Its been nine months since he moved out and I always feel like I am back at square one. It just hurts so much.
greg188
greg188
I understand your fears. My wife is very emotionally selfish and I've lived in fear of her moods for many long years. Even though a future without her seems really scary right now, I'm slowly realizing that I'll be better off without her. There will be many difficulties, but if I'm honest with myself, I haven't been able to be myself for the duration of our marriage. I've been someone that's trying to appease someone else. I'm a better person and a better parent when she's not around. Maybe you'll find that too. I know there are still so many fears associated with finally breaking up. I hope you can find something about your future without him to hold on to. I'll be praying for you again today. I hope you're ok.
strongandsilent
strongandsilent
Please don't kick yourself about the bed. Look - sometimes you are going to be assertive. Sometimes you are going to let it slide. You only have so much energy so you have to make it count. Decide what is impt to you. Write it down. Saave your energy and courage for fighting for those things. Everything else is "small stuff" - even if it is a bed :).

What is nice about that is that you are being strategic - not weak. So, you'll be less likely to feel bad about yourself if you let him walk away with stuff. That was your choice. Your power not his. It is very empowering.

For me, it is about the kids. I have very cut-and-dry lines arounds the kids. I will give him pretty much anything. But, I have held my line on the kids. That success gives me strength when I feel like collapsing.
jprjat
jprjat
Thank you for putting my mind at ease about the bed. In the end the bed is just a material possession. I can always work towards buying a bed that I want anyway. I will say that while I havent stood up for the material things, I dont cave when it comes to our kids. He barely sees them which crushes them and that crushes me but I just make sure that they know how much I love and that my love for them is unconditional. This separation has brought me much closer to my children...silver lining for sure. Today has been a good day after a very rough night so I do feel as if I am getting better. My bad days are not lasting as long and I recover much quicker. Thank God for small victories.
sja
sja
Don't kick yourself about the bed. We all have things we do and situations, that in the heat of the moment we wish we could take back or don't know how to deal with. I think it all comes from the total shock to the system, our brains are not functioning at normal capacity. The most important thing you need to do is get your boundaries up and keep them up. No more coming into the house he chose to leave and taking things that are "marital property" until you each have attorneys or a mediator to help assist in the division of your communal property. Get your boundaries up and keep them up. As long as you let him walk all over you, he is going to continue to push the envelope.
jprjat
jprjat
Oh yes he is very good at pushing the envelope and crushing me if I try to push back. We actually, well I have an attorney and papers are in place that things are to stay as they are since when he left he took all kinds of things as it was. He is not going to get an attorney but I am not upset about that. He told the kids he would spend every last dime he has to get custody of them. Which would be a major long shot. But he hasnt even given me child support. I am completely over that situation, just ranting a little bit. Anyway life goes on and tomorrow is another day. God bless you all as we all help each other cope with what appears to be devastating at the moment.
strongandsilent
strongandsilent
Glad you have a lawyer. The best advice (hands down) I got when I first started down this path was "Listen to you lawyer"! So simple... but I definitely had to be told so I didn't give stbxh everything.

:)

You sound like you are having a good moment :) enjoy!
jprjat
jprjat
Yeah the kids and I had a really good day. Hoping the good lasts a little while. I am trying to focus on the positives in my life instead of the negatives. I read something once that said so many people focus on the hole in the middle of he donut instead of the donut itself. So its the donut for me tonight.
timbob463
timbob463
We are all here for the same reason. The pain, anger, loneliness, confusion, depression and a host of other feelings we are trying to make sense of, we cannot overcome alone. We need others who know are pain to help us through it. We are here for you. I pray you find healing and comfort soon, but I also know that it does take time. Scream, throw something (without hurting someone), smash something, or just throw yourself down on the ground and cry it out. Whatever it takes kiddo. Just as we are all here for the same reasons, we are also here to get and give support. You are not alone. You are safe from condemnation. You are appreciated. You are cared for. You have value to everyone who knows you. You are our friend. Prayers for you always.