Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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What happened?We have been together for 20

Hello. I am new to this group. I'm on here today because my partner of twenty years just threw me away. I had a couple of rough years. My parents passed away last year six months apart from each other. Then I started having health problems and was diagnosed with uterine cancer. My partner was distant at times but still supportive. A couple weeks ago I had to undergo a complete hysterectomy. I am only 43. It was devastating to learn about the cancer but the best alternative was to have the surgery. I knew something had been amiss with him for a little while. He became very secretive about his phone, social media and email. This was never a problem before. He was working out and lost a lot of weight in the last few months and would tell me how all the women said he was hot. He would not sleep with me, kiss me or hug me. I knew there was something else to it. The day after my surgery he would sleep in the bed with me even though I needed help getting up to go to the bathroom. I had my post op last Thursday and was told that I had what they call residual cancer and needed to have tests done every four months for two years. That same night he told me he was keeping contact with a stripper he met on a business trip. Hr Said thet were just talking but that he had sex with her when he was on his trip. Just writing this down seems so pitiful. It doesn't even seem true. We have been together for 20 years and have two teenagers together. Since that night he has told me he hates me, that I disgust him, that I am old and ugly, he wants me to leave. I have no where to go. And I can't quit my job I need my benefits so I can keep the appointments. He said he didn't care he hopes I get cancer and die. I don't know where this is all coming from. We shared a life together, had family get together, etc., he told me he wants nothing to do with me or my family. On top of that I feel my body changing from the surgery. I feel so helpless. He said if I do not leave he will have me removed. Our kids are a wreck they try to talk to him but he lashed out st them. I don't even know who he is. I am so scared. 

Replies

mirandac
mirandac

I am very sorry for your cancer and all your
Pain and hurt. Get a lawyer would be my best
Suggestion. Definitely talk to one to find out
your rights about the finances and legalities.

Checked out spouses often are emotionally
Disconnected. You might not know what they
have been thinking. Usually they are keeping
Score of all your faults.

They wait until the right someone comes along
And the timing is right and they leave you and
Have a new someone all lined up.

There have been many on here that the spouse
Was not willing to cope or deal with someone
Elses problems. Like pregnancy, health issues,
deaths, Children that are mentally or physically
challenged.

Take care of yourself and your children, talk to
A lawyer. Therapy at this time would be helpful,
Join support groups like divorce care, keep reaching
Out to good loving healthy people. Post on here
Often. HUGS
luvmygirl4
luvmygirl4

Omg he's wrecking your family over a STRIPPER? Run, don't walk, away. You deserve better. Otherwise he will come crawling back to you when he's broke and she tosses him aside.
cleigh
cleigh

This screams midlife crisis!!! This man is bIeyond despicable. I agree with luvmygirl4, run, run away! And mirandac's advice about a lawyer should be listened to as well. You need to make yourself a priority and under no circumstances do you look at or judge yourself through his incredibly warped lens. I know what it is like to put it over 20 years into a marriage and have it seemingly disintegrate within days. There is no rationale, no logic...do not try to make sense of this situation because there is no explanation for a midlife crisis except for his inferiority complex. To make himself feel better he has to step on somebody else (you) to lift himself up. Don't let him use you as a step.
tabatha
tabatha

I'm so sorry ... I actually had to re read some of your story thinking I read it wrong... yes get a lawyer... really hard to make that step but I'm calling tomorrow. I'm three weeks into this mess and my STBX just left after 20 years also. I had hope for sometime but now realizing I need to love myself first. And remember there are so many wonderful people on this site just keep talking to everyone you're not alone ...hugs!
Walmer7
Walmer7

I would call the police. He is threatening you, abusing you, harming you, and making you scared for your well being. He is not permitted to force you to leave your own home. A restraining order should be placed on him and then change the door locks. If he wants to do the devil's work, he will have to pay the price. If the police say they won't send an officer, then call social services. They may be able to issue a report and have the police become involved. He has crossed the line and unfortunately has forced you into action. The worst suffering people experience is often at the hands of loved ones. He has become evil. Evil in our world is as prevalent as is good.
Suzinolan
Suzinolan

No wonder you are scared he is behaving abusively at a time when you need him most. I would seek professional help , even go to an abuse service, you need to tell someone about his hateful behaviour. You have been thru so much and he is hurting you , this is so cruel. I send you big hugs and hope you can get yourself out of this horrible situation. First thing you need to do is tell someone, don't deal with it alone. If you need to talk I'm here for you.
Dandelion
Dandelion

Hello, I don't usually post here, my divorce was over 8 years ago

I just wanted to tell you my ex tried something similar. I was very naive. He tried scare tactics.

Fortunately, I have some smart cookies as friends.

I got a lawyer. You need one immediately.

HE can NOT "have you removed"

Get a lawyer, don't talk to your husband, cry later.

You must take care of yourself now.
Dandelion
Dandelion

If anything, a judge will give YOU the house until it's sold due to your medical condition.

Tell Mr Midlife crisis to let the stripper put him up.
Dandelion
Dandelion

Omg and don't you run anywhere!!!

Once you leave that house he can lock you out and claim abandonment.

If you feel threatened call 911 and have HIM removed.

Get that lawyer now!
yougospam
yougospam

what an a$$!!!!!!! I'm upset for you. Unless you are in danger don't leave the house, he could use that against you, call the police if he threatens anything. First thing you need to do is contact an attorney ASAP, turn everything over to them and do exactly what they tell you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through especially your health issues, please take care of yourself, you will need to be tuff these next few days, weeks so be prepared, you can fall apart later. Good luck, I hope the a$$ knows Karma is just around the corner waiting for him and the stripper too. Blows my mind.
strongandsilent
strongandsilent

Best advice I got when I started this journey was "Get a good lawyer and do what she says". The last part was soooo important because I was so shocked, so worried for him (he must be having a mental breakdown) and so worried for my kids that I would have done anything... except protect myself.

Get a good lawyer, listen to her.

And get yourself a therapist.

Good luck, it is a long road. We are here with you.
rosehills28
rosehills28

You are not alone. I was married for 15 and filed from my husband 3 months ago. He is in Law Enforcement and got very emotionally abusive and controlling this last year. At his units Christmas Party last year, one of his partners introduced herself as his "work wife" and that was the beginning of the end. I also had a tumor removed from my uterus and our 14 year old daughter had surgery and he would not take one day off of work help me to the bathroom either.

I tried to make excuses for his behavior but it started to get too emotionally painful for me. I started to feel really hopeless and also afraid to break up my family as I expected the divorce to make him more upset and vengeful.

I walked away with nothing as he has been manipulating and I am already going through so much emotionally. I left the home hoping to have some financial support but he's refusing so for now our children are with him. Leaving an abusive marriage and starting over with little dignity and resources has been the hardest thing I've done in my life. Grieving the loss of my family, long before the divorce, as it evolved and I could feel the end was near, felt like a grieving process.

Good Luck and please don't stay together for the kids. I wish I would have left sooner, before his behavior started making me really depressed. That was not good for my kids to see.
Dandelion
Dandelion

Rosehills28, may I ask why you walked away with nothing after sharing a life for that length of time and having this man's children?

It breaks my heart to see and hear that women are still not taking care of themselves in relationships and settling for nothing- meaning they still see themselves as not deserving and giving some jerk all the power.

Ladies if you don't get a lawyer and stand up for yourselves, and insist on romanticizing some lying, cheating jerk, I don't know if this forum can help or any other.

It's terrible, it really is. Grown women being bullied out of their homes and allowing themselves to be cheated out of what is rightfully theirs.

Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture?
mirandac
mirandac

Dandelion, often its a case of abuse and not working outside
The home themselves And feeling powerless over their Bully/
abuser and Not having their own money to pay for a lawyer.

Getting a job And making your own money sure helps, plus
therapy and support Groups. I try not to judge others, anyone
that has not lived in Abuse might not understand. Many Were
brought Up in it then marry into it.

Narcisstic bullies are bad and they don't want to give you A cent.
Often people flee for safety and their sanity. Hopefully they land
somewhere safe.

One lady on here was married 40 years and just walked away with
Nothing and moved in with her daughter, it happens. She was glad
To be away from him.

I know what i went thru it turned bad in 2003, i was at home and not
Making any money for the last 15 years. We did not need the income
and we often travelled. I Finally needed to go back to work and started
making Decent money and when the divorce came up i had some
financial power. I endured 12 years of a bad marriage, i have been in
therapy, alanon, MC And then later divorce care. I needed help for me
To get out.

My ex is mad as a hornet i hired a good lawyer who watched my
Back and i received a good and fair settlement and some alimony. It
Took me having my own funds to fight him on even ground and what
A fight we had. He thinks i stole his money and he hates my guts :)
HUGS
Dandelion
Dandelion

I'm just very angry. Some of these men take advantage of and use women up - basically shit all over them for years, and when they decide they're "done", try to move on with no consequences.

Bullsh*t
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