Definition of HEAL
1: to make sound or whole especially in bodily condition
2: to cure of disease or disorder
intransitive verb
1: to return to a sound state
2: to effect a cure
healer \h-lr\ noun
I guess some people just never heal, especially if the marriage breaking apart was not their choice

I guess it's different for everyone and how the circumstances of the divorce happened. It all comes full circle when you reach the acceptance phase....and that takes time. Like LACali said if it's not your choice then more healing becomes a bigger part than the other person. They already moved on a long time ago.

I agree to some extent. I think it depends like llmt said it depends on the circumstances of the divorce as well as how long it drags out.

For me...Dab quoted in a thread a while ago where I asked. How long do you embrace the emotions before making that conscious decision to move on without distracting oneself or fooling yourself. I know I had it in me to make the conscious choice to say ok mourned long enough now lets go. But his quote was a good one from the movie Shawshank Redemption. I'm not sure if wasted is the right word....but I essentially missed out on my entire spring/summer healing. Its a necessary step I think....but idk...I just truly believe in making a conscious decision to better oneself and do the work to heal as fast as you can in a healthy manner. I was also lucky in that my divorce proceeded relatively quickly....and that can't be discounted.

"Get busy living or get busy dying"

I guess I just question the motives behind a lot of people who no longer need this site, yet still stay here to participate in the misery.

My MIL was divorced 7 years when i married her son. She cried about it through our entire wedding reception (her ex was there since he was the groom's dad, as was the OW who was now his wife)......she still talked about the end of her marriage and the divorce and her ex constantly. She is who I do not want to be. In some ways she is STILL not over it, but they were married something like 29 years.. It's very sad to me. A wonderful man who was her BF proposed to her, but she stayed afraid of being left, told him no, and stayed his girl friend for 10 years until he died.

My divorce isn't final yet and i will leave here sometime after it is. I don't intend to stay here forever. I don't judge people who stay for years after their divorce, either. It's tough... This site provides 'company' for some lonely people, too, or bored people, like me right now. lol.

I suppose you are asking me to re-evaluate why I stay on this particular board?

great question

maybe they need this site more than you realize? i dont know. you know who you are talking about better than i do because you have been here longer than me.

i am on a seperate support board for rape survivors (pandys.org). i dont participate in it every day or even every week like i used to, but several times during the year i find i need the support because of triggers or anniversaries or i just need someone there who can relate to what i am going thru so i feel less alone. thats the only answer i know for you.

Define "participate in the misery"?

I mean for me I'm not on as much. I generally post to try and be positive and be helpful. My divorce is close to done....so most of the drama is behind me.

@ hc - I hear you with "she is not who I want to be". I met someone at a divorce support group I went to who was sort of like that. Not 25 yrs of marriage but a year or so removed from the divorce. I told myself, "That is not how I want to be". It scared me....and for the good. It made me make a choice. Be like him.....or move on.

But do you think that this site can actually hinder progress in healing? I mean, if I'm always sad, is it good for me to continuously watch the movie, "Beaches?"

rman - Yes, no question I think this site can definetely hinder progress in healing for sure.

It's why your OT posts are invaluable to the site....in breaking up the mood.

I stayed here for the social aspects long after I healed from my divorce because I am a medical shut in until the early spring. And this board was much more active than the breast cancer one.

To heal, is to live. Living in misery is not healing. Simple.

Some take longer to heal than others. What's wrong with that?
There is no right way to the ways one person chooses to live. After all it's there choice and there life, as long as they are not harming others.

We are all different, and that is what makes the human race so unique.

But I can spend all my time attending support groups, buying self-help books, reliving the negative relationship I had and engulfing myself in the process of just trying to feel better. But is that healing? Is working on healing by doing all these things really healing? It seems like it's just prolonging the experience.

Rman, if you're this curious about it, why not just ask the people you are talking about these questions, rather than talking to everybody else about them? The direct approach might be more useful?

Find out from them what the real deal is.

So I should use a public forum to send private messages only?