First of all, Rman, I am struck by the fact that, in this particular post, you posted and then participated in your own thread, that's different, you usually post and then retreat. But I also have to say that I am wondering where YOU are at: you ask the question about staying on this website for years after a divorce - to my knowledge, you are not even separated, much less divorced - so where is this question coming from? As for me, been here 3 years post-divorce. Never would've thunk that would be the case, but it is. Granted, I am here less & less, but I am here. I have my reasons. And some of them are damn good reasons. Me thinks they are, oddly, in some ways similar to yours, though our circumstances be different. For me? Not much waste. Not much at all. I am living my life. And loving it.

I see myself moving away from this group somewhat. I don't know if it's because so many people I've known have left or it's because I can't give or get from it as much as I did before.
I think I'm getting to another crossroad in my life.

Rman, I am asking myself the same questions.In Feb.2011, will be two years exact,since my divorce.I havent been on here in several months.However, Im back, searching for answers for myself.Giving support to others,it does help me.But reading some of the posts,also, makes me wonder,do I return to the paths of sorrow and pain.No!I dont,just vague reminders of road already taken.I do feel I have made some progress, just a little slower, than I thought.

i feel that healing can just happen over night and it does take time to heal after a break up. the amount of time depends on the person and their emotional state. People also deal with healing in different ways some people do it by living their life and ignoring or letting go off the pain whereas others need to greive for a long period of time. i would not call it wasting time....its just their way of dealing with their pain.

No, healing is not wasting time, if indeed you are actually working on healing. But if you're stuck and not moving at all (like me), then perhaps sites like this are just enabling you to stay stagnant.

I remember when I was in a 12 step programme 15 years ago, not making any progress. I remember getting a sponsor and whining about how I just wasn't "getting it". Her advice was to "work the programme".

I don't know what that would mean in terms of this forum, since there is no programme per se. But what I am finding out in my life right now, struggling to make a particularly important change not related to my breakup, and not being able to maintain it, is I have to make the decision to "work" the things I know I need to do, or keep looking for the specific "key" that's going to unlock the door to something that WILL work.

I know when I am not 'working it", I keep asking myself why not, or what is it going to take, or what am I waiting for. In the past those questions have led me to something useful, right now though, I'm still stumped myself, but I refuse to be hopeless about it.

Where there's a will there's a way.

Rman - My personal thoughts on your situation. I can't say you're stuck in terms of healing. I think you're in a tough spot...you're in a position of possibly having to do something that you don't want to do. It's a position that if I was in....I honestly would be "stuck" same as you are. Knowing what might need to be done...but just not wanting to do it. Part of me says its commendable...the other part....thinking of your sanity...says...you need to do what's best for you and by extension will be good for your girls. Just my thoughts...but what do I know...

The thing is you need to decide on what to do. I was in a stuck marriage for 15 years because I did not want to leave my girls. After my first daughter was born it all went down hill from there. 80% of the arguing was over the in laws. Now I have 90% less stress in my life. It's funny now because she is getting so much in debt that she cant put food on the table she still goes over her parents house to eat. Plus my daughters have dealt with it very well.