Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello all.. Seems a while since I've posted anything of substance, even though there have been some important changes recently. So instead of a journal entry, I figure I'd spill the beans public style, because I think there are some out there in similar situations that may benefit from my experiences.
The prologue: Wife blindsides me with divorce, citing my issues (porn/sex addiction, lack of trust/emotional safety, etc.) without owning anything of her own. I find out she's in love with someone else. When I confront her about it, she claims she only acknowledged her feelings for him after she decided to divorce. So at the very best, which I still doubt, she's guilty of not being honest with herself for a long time, as I don't believe you just fall in love with someone overnight.
After getting laid off, I'm forced to move back in with her (I was on the road traveling for work). We had a couple long talks, she acknowledged her part in the problems, acknowledged the sex addiction and most of the other issues of mine were fabricated by her resentments.
I had a quick rebound relationship that everyone told me not to do, but I did anyway, and ended up hurting her a little, which really made me feel like shit. But I learned a lot about myself from it.
Fast-forward a month or so. I begin to realize how much guilt she's holding because of how much her decision hurt me. Being in a relatively good place, and being the zen master that I am (lol not really) I finally found forgiveness. I told her I just wanted her to be happy, that I value whatever experience and past we had, as it was a huge part of my life (we got married at 20/21; 12 year marriage). I fogave her humaness and imperfection, and still loved her in spite of it. It was a huge cleansing of my soul, and I felt great relief. I highly recommend it if you can/should.
Recently, we've regained a bit of our friendship back. I wouldn't say we're friends enough to go watch a movie or whatever together, but friendly. We can talk about what happened with our relationship, and how we're feeling in our current lives. We have a son, so I'm glad we're so friendly.
The other night, she broke down crying and said she's worried she's made a huge mistake. She didn't come right out and say that she did make a mistake, but she's very confused because of our new friendship. I also think she's starting to see that even though we're split up, and friendly, she didn't gain any of the happiness she expected. And she's also realizing I wasn't as bad as she though I was.
It's very bittersweet to her, and me really, that we can get to this place of openess and trust now. I know that if I wanted to, we could probably try again.
If.
I don't.
When I was hurting, looping around the roller coaster, I sooooo wanted her to realize she made a huge mistake, and come crawling back; I dreamed of it constantly. Either so I could tell her to fuck off, or to take her back, I was never really sure. But now, I've come to realize a few important things:
1. She still has some heavy things inside she needs to work out. Things that at one time I was willing to help her through and wait for. But I feel like I've learned that that is not fair to me, and she won't be able to do that kind of healing while rebuilding our relationship.
2. Our relationship had a purpose, and it's been fulfilled. I still love her very much, as the mother of my son, as the person I spent 15 years with, etc. And while I treasure our time together, it's time to move on. When we're not able to learn from each other anymore, in a healthy way, you have to let them go, and let yourself go.
3. We were married so young, it's okay for me to admit that we've grown so much over the past 15 years of our lives, that we're really not all that good for each other anymore, nor do we really share any common interests anymore. I think if we were to date right now, I wouldn't ask for a second...
4. Lastly, there are important reasons why we're able to be such good friends right now. We're not forced to deal with our deep, long standing issues like we would if we were in a relationship. There are lots of resentments still lingering that we just don't have to care about anymore. And honestly I don't think we really trust each other anymore. I certainly don't trust her to be honest with me about her feelings, and I doubt she's able to be honest with herself, which is really more important.
And of course, I think she's a little freaked out that I've fallen in love with a beautiful, healthy, intelligent, self-aware woman. Maybe she always thought I'd be around if she changed her mind, I don't know.
Yes, I've fallen in love. Madly. Like retardedly. At first I was worried that I wasn't ready. And I still have huge fears that I will hurt her. But I trust myself, and I trust her judgment. It's only been 4 and a half months since my stbx left me, which is a blink of an eye to most. But I know where I am, and I'm comfortable with myself. I was, and could be happy by myself. Our relationship has no agenda, no expectations, lots of communication and trust. Honesty, compassion, and utter comfort. Common interests and values. And chemistry!! I'd be a fool to let that go, even though the long distance thing is killing us.
She knows everything about me, and has seen me at my worst. She knows all my secrets, and accepts me, as I accept her. Completely. She knows I still have some smaller things to work through regarding my divorce, and I admire her healthy decision to be there for me as I do.
So that's my story so far. In the worlds biggest nutshell. To everyone out there that thinks their world has ended, they're doomed to unhappiness, or that they'll never be healthy, Think Again. Things do get better, 4 months or 4 years later. Life goes on. Don't be afraid to dig and learn everything you can about yourself, life, and your ex. Don't rush it, but don't be afraid to push yourself. Challenge yourself.
You have to do the work, but it's your choice to be happy.
--Jared
The prologue: Wife blindsides me with divorce, citing my issues (porn/sex addiction, lack of trust/emotional safety, etc.) without owning anything of her own. I find out she's in love with someone else. When I confront her about it, she claims she only acknowledged her feelings for him after she decided to divorce. So at the very best, which I still doubt, she's guilty of not being honest with herself for a long time, as I don't believe you just fall in love with someone overnight.
After getting laid off, I'm forced to move back in with her (I was on the road traveling for work). We had a couple long talks, she acknowledged her part in the problems, acknowledged the sex addiction and most of the other issues of mine were fabricated by her resentments.
I had a quick rebound relationship that everyone told me not to do, but I did anyway, and ended up hurting her a little, which really made me feel like shit. But I learned a lot about myself from it.
Fast-forward a month or so. I begin to realize how much guilt she's holding because of how much her decision hurt me. Being in a relatively good place, and being the zen master that I am (lol not really) I finally found forgiveness. I told her I just wanted her to be happy, that I value whatever experience and past we had, as it was a huge part of my life (we got married at 20/21; 12 year marriage). I fogave her humaness and imperfection, and still loved her in spite of it. It was a huge cleansing of my soul, and I felt great relief. I highly recommend it if you can/should.
Recently, we've regained a bit of our friendship back. I wouldn't say we're friends enough to go watch a movie or whatever together, but friendly. We can talk about what happened with our relationship, and how we're feeling in our current lives. We have a son, so I'm glad we're so friendly.
The other night, she broke down crying and said she's worried she's made a huge mistake. She didn't come right out and say that she did make a mistake, but she's very confused because of our new friendship. I also think she's starting to see that even though we're split up, and friendly, she didn't gain any of the happiness she expected. And she's also realizing I wasn't as bad as she though I was.
It's very bittersweet to her, and me really, that we can get to this place of openess and trust now. I know that if I wanted to, we could probably try again.
If.
I don't.
When I was hurting, looping around the roller coaster, I sooooo wanted her to realize she made a huge mistake, and come crawling back; I dreamed of it constantly. Either so I could tell her to fuck off, or to take her back, I was never really sure. But now, I've come to realize a few important things:
1. She still has some heavy things inside she needs to work out. Things that at one time I was willing to help her through and wait for. But I feel like I've learned that that is not fair to me, and she won't be able to do that kind of healing while rebuilding our relationship.
2. Our relationship had a purpose, and it's been fulfilled. I still love her very much, as the mother of my son, as the person I spent 15 years with, etc. And while I treasure our time together, it's time to move on. When we're not able to learn from each other anymore, in a healthy way, you have to let them go, and let yourself go.
3. We were married so young, it's okay for me to admit that we've grown so much over the past 15 years of our lives, that we're really not all that good for each other anymore, nor do we really share any common interests anymore. I think if we were to date right now, I wouldn't ask for a second...
4. Lastly, there are important reasons why we're able to be such good friends right now. We're not forced to deal with our deep, long standing issues like we would if we were in a relationship. There are lots of resentments still lingering that we just don't have to care about anymore. And honestly I don't think we really trust each other anymore. I certainly don't trust her to be honest with me about her feelings, and I doubt she's able to be honest with herself, which is really more important.
And of course, I think she's a little freaked out that I've fallen in love with a beautiful, healthy, intelligent, self-aware woman. Maybe she always thought I'd be around if she changed her mind, I don't know.
Yes, I've fallen in love. Madly. Like retardedly. At first I was worried that I wasn't ready. And I still have huge fears that I will hurt her. But I trust myself, and I trust her judgment. It's only been 4 and a half months since my stbx left me, which is a blink of an eye to most. But I know where I am, and I'm comfortable with myself. I was, and could be happy by myself. Our relationship has no agenda, no expectations, lots of communication and trust. Honesty, compassion, and utter comfort. Common interests and values. And chemistry!! I'd be a fool to let that go, even though the long distance thing is killing us.
She knows everything about me, and has seen me at my worst. She knows all my secrets, and accepts me, as I accept her. Completely. She knows I still have some smaller things to work through regarding my divorce, and I admire her healthy decision to be there for me as I do.
So that's my story so far. In the worlds biggest nutshell. To everyone out there that thinks their world has ended, they're doomed to unhappiness, or that they'll never be healthy, Think Again. Things do get better, 4 months or 4 years later. Life goes on. Don't be afraid to dig and learn everything you can about yourself, life, and your ex. Don't rush it, but don't be afraid to push yourself. Challenge yourself.
You have to do the work, but it's your choice to be happy.
--Jared
It's tough because we know (in a virtual sense) the parties involved. I think the the parties involved were not known, the advice would be 'be really, really careful' and some might even say 'don't, it's too soon'. However, who doesn't love a happy ending? Or even a happy beginning or middle? Happiness is hard to pass by, even if you wonder if it's the best thing to do.
You are adults and you certainly don't need anyone's permission, or even 'blessing' as the case may be.
That said, good luck to you and I hope Kelly is wrong too.
I am not naive. Nor am I delusional. What I am is someone who doesn't run from possibilities and opportunities to stretch and grow. This feels like a good thing. It began over a conversation about the Buddha. That's a nice place to start anything. We have shared our demons. They play well together and I have always been an animal lover. Loving anyone is to take a risk but the price of not loving is higher.
I've always been brave.
You can't tell me who I'm gonna fuck, either...it's a personal decision and this is a new era...it's the era of nobody really gives a fuck anymore...i think society is getting along pretty well right now...sometimes...
I've been wondering much the same things myself.
I'm interested in hearing people's thoughts on that too, as well as more from Kelly about what makes rebound relationships so much more intense?
I only wish Jo and Jared the best. They have many hurdles to overcome, including the rebound issue as well as long distance.
It's a support site, I only want to wish them the best, not add to their burdens. And a public disection of their relationship doesn't seem fair.