Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members
100,360 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Trying to survive

LoatandWandering
LoatandWandering

ok...where to start...ive been reading alot of past posts an it made me realize that i was not the only one going through this sort of pain. however i just cannot seem to break out of this pain. about 4 weeks ago my fiance (ex) said her feelings changed. I never saw it coming. She said after the few years we were living together, she thought we would grow closer but in her eyes, we drifted apart. I  ever knew she felt taht way. I mean we had our occasional arguments her and there but never did I think she was that unhappy. when we met 12 years ago, she was a single mom and I was a single dad. both already been through a divorce. since being together we had our family trips, lifestyle of rasiging 2 kids and what i thought was the normal family. We recently took a trip to drop her daughter off to college. when we came back home , she blindsided me and said shes not happy and has not been for awhile. why couldnt she have sat me down before if it was that bad? why didnt i see it? i have a lot of guilt and questions...what could i have done? should i have been more attentinve? she said its not me, but its her.... shes just changed and her feelings have changed. i tired to reason with her but nothing i can say or do will matter. I feel like i failed as a BF/lover/fiance/partner. What more sickens me is I invested all my heart and time into this that I cannot imagine starting over again.  She said she felt like we were just going through the otions...talking less and not being close anymore...but in my mind i was trying to be the good partner,,cooking dinner after work..helping take care of her child....keeping the family together the best i could. i find myself hurting about all the what if's ..should I have done more....maybe i did take it for granted..maybe I was the one that caused this... people tell me not to blame myself becuase relationships take work and 2 people....but i just cant get past what she said.  She just fell out of love so in my mind i know i have to let her go...but my heart wont let me.


I am now 43 and i wonder is there hope to finding love again.  


I know ive heard and read that people change and people do fall OUT of love with one another...i just never imagined that was Us....simply because in all these years....i never once thought of  not having her in my life....


i really have no idea what to do....

kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
You're not the exception. Breakups suck especially for the one who doesn't want it. Everyone has felt what your feeling, 4 weeks in is really nothing. I'm over 3 years and it'll probably take a year to start feeling some sense of normalcy. The first holidays birthdays etc apart are rough. But you'll slowly detach. Stay no contact that's the key
steppingovertheedge
steppingovertheedge
Findingmywaytome:

THANK YOU also!! Your comment really made me feel glad that I shared my experiences on this thread.

I found solace in this forum. And I found both women and men who were going through the same thing, who were hurting, and who were thoughtful and helpful. And I think it helps you to not focus your anger on the entire "gender" of the person who mistreated you. You realize that these flaws which allow someone to lie to and cheat on their long-term partner are not exclusive to one gender. So of course it won't help to become a (wo)man-hater.

I wish you the best also. And I expect you will find your happiness.
steppingovertheedge
steppingovertheedge
Wandering: Let me just say that kbbcoop77 was one of the first people who responded to me when I started posting on this forum over two years ago! And everything he said was dead-on correct (thanks man!). And I hoped I could move forward and gain his perspective some day. And wow, the day is here! :)

You are in the thick of it right now so it's hard to be rational, but... There really is no "the one" for you. No single true love. That's a fairy tale. There are SEVEN BILLION people on this planet. To think that you happened across that ONE perfect person in your limited sphere of movement is kind of absurd. The truth is that there are MANY people out there that you would be compatible with, to differing degrees. I'm sure there are even some that live near you, believe it or not.

I'm concerned that you are still putting her on a pedestal. I hope that you find your way past that soon, because that is when you will truly start moving forward. Not to demonize her, but it can help to list out all of her flaws and negative qualities. It might take her off that pedestal. She's just a normal, flawed person like everyone else. She did blindside you with a breakup after dropping her kid off at college, telling you she had been unhappy for a while - right? That's a pretty shitty thing to do to someone. Are you ok with that? With someone who would do that?

Just hang in there. Things will improve, and your perspective will broaden over time. I was you 28 months ago.
OlderCPer
OlderCPer
It does happen, people do change and they do fall out of love...

My ex-husband and I met when we were in high school, we were together for 27 years, married for 25 years, and we've been divorced for 6 years. We changed, we had 2 awesome sons, so we got something awesome out of it, but we fell out of love, after that long time we became different people.

It does happen...
LostandWounded
LostandWounded
Hi lostandwandering. Iv just been reading through this post and noticed it was a few months ago now... how are you holding up.. 5 days ago this happened to me. I'm a mess I can't eat or sleep I'm already worrying and thinking about them with someone else it's consuming my life... has time helped you heal?
Gutted
Gutted
True love doesn't need you to 'do your part' every single minute of every day. As long as you were totally asleep at the wheel, then you should have to be on guard 24/7 to make the other person feel validated.

Some men are on dumb ass automatic pilot and can't see what they have until it's gone. If were were't taking everything you had together for granted; never gave her thank you, I love you or spent quality time with her then you aren't to blame for not her throwing in the towel. But I also have to say that it would have been all too easy for her to speak up if any of that were the case.

Hang in there. You are grieving what might have been with you ex. Grief has a natural progression. Give yourself a chance to work through it. Keep talking about it with us along the way. It helps to just dialogue with people who have been there.
hygeia4life
hygeia4life
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wa5IF7x-ziA

Whoa, many responses. Not much to add here.

So I will
Share a link to an exercise that actually is all about reducing the chatter and falling in love with the the beauty of silence and stillness where answers spontaneously emerge.

Xo

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wa5IF7x-ziA
asmiths
asmiths
Everyone believes they are the exception. Everyone thinks, wow, look at all these people will encouraging comments about how they made it through, but what if I'm the one who can't? All of those people commenting with advice, they felt they were the exception too. But they all made it through. And so can you. Do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. For me, if I'm alone for too long, I start tog et anxious and let bad thoughts run rampant. So when that happens, I drive myself to my mom's house, have a glass of wine, and watch a movie and pet the dog. It's something small, but keep yourself surrounded by people who show you how much of your life you have to live..all the adventures ahead of you, and new experiences. Ask a friend to try a new restaurant. Go to a museum. If you are not at the stage where you can get out of bed yet, ask a friend to come sit with you and eat popcorn and watch a movie.

You got this.
Findingmywaytome
Findingmywaytome
@stepping: You are correct--my identification was too gender specific. There are certainly plenty of women who abandon their lives for the fantasy of sex with someone else. My identifier comes from my tragically urbane situation--subrurban mom finds out after years that the husband has cheated. It was better to reflect "people" than "man". Still stings no matter how its identified.
itsgottogetbetter
itsgottogetbetter
You have completely captured everything that I am feeling. I too feel like I was blindsided. I knew we had problems, but who doesn't? I just thought that it would pass, as it has the times before. For some reason, I can't feel the anger either, just a tremendous sense of loss and grief.
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • Community LeaderSunCloudJD

    Friends and Family of Bipolar

    Posted by: SunCloudJD
    Last Reply: SunCloudJD
    15
    Hi All.... It's great to see all of the new people joining the site... I'm loving it!!...smileI'm not sure if people are aware that if you don't have Bipolar Disorder but have a loved one who has the disorder we do have a board for people to go to in order to share their experiences and seek friendship, support or adviseIt's the Friends and Family of Bipolar Board.... I hope you'll take a...