Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Tricking myself

meandgeppetto
meandgeppetto

Hello all. I am looking for feedback, advice and encouragement from this community. About two weeks ago, my wife of 1 1/2 years (together for 6) told me that she wants a divorce. We have been aware of communication problems for a while and I have been actively trying to change my bad habits to be a better wife to her. 6 months ago, we had a blowout fight that resulted in divorce talk. Right then and there, I decided to commit myself to this marriage and do whatever it takes to make it work. She chose the opposite apparently. We were planning on moving to a new city this fall and planned on starting a family, she had even been discussing details with me a couple days before the separation announcement. I have struggled with trying to hold on to the relationship and have asked her to keep the door open for us for the required year separation. But now, I do not think that it will be healthy for me to continue longing for someone that states they have fallen out of love with me. I am trying my hardest to focus on myself and am blessed with a wonderful support system but have started to have reoccurring dreams with her involved. Some are positive, some are negative. But all of the dreams leave me with miserable emotions that I cannot shake the rest of the day. I have tried journaling, positive thinking, I’ve gone to counseling and will continue to go. I feel that I am tricking myself into trying to be over her. I just want the pain to go away. She will move the remainder of her things out of the home tomorrow and will be moving three hours away to live with her parents. She wants to remain friends and as much as I want to keep her a part of my life, I am scared that any contact will keep me “on the hook”. Anyone have any advice on how to healthily move on? 

survivingmom
survivingmom
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in pain... I don’t think moving on is ever easy and I think if she has made her feelings that clear then maybe you should try and replace times of the day you reached out to her the most with something that will distract you from your routine with her. Like if you call her after work everyday maybe try calling a friend or family. Try to put distance between you both, if that’s even possible because I know from first hand that it’s easier said than done. I’m in a sticky situation as well and I know the feeling of being defeated all to well. Just try little things first. I’m not sure myself what to do.. good luck!
lmb7
lmb7
I’m so sorry to hear that you are hurting. I’m in the same situation with my spouse. We’ve been separated 3 out of the 6 months our state requires before divorce. She wants a divorce and I asked her to stay open to the chance of reconciliation until the end of the separation period. I feel like I need to cut off communication but at the same time I can’t. I think about her all the time. I don’t know how to get through this. I hope you find peace and healing in your journey.
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
Sorry about your situation. I just want to add to the other replies that "staying friends", right after, is usually a bad idea. Then it gives you hope, and it messes with your emotions. My suggestion is to tell her you are not able to "just" be friends at this time. Who knows.... maybe no contact will make her reconsider down the road? In the meanwhile, keep doing what you're doing, and go forward with your life the best you can. Maybe find a new hobby you've been wanting to try, take a fun class at the local college such as a cooking class, exercise more, contact old friends to hang out with again. I know it's rough and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Eduar1
Eduar1
We all know being apart from someone you love is painful as it is. Allow this situation to help you instead of smashing you, you will find growing yourself by thinking and evaluating your situation. If it is too hard for you to see her and interact just as friends, I think it is better you give her space and give yourself that space for your soul to get deep and search peace and balance in the midst of struggles and heartache. It is time for "me" time, obviously with the continuous help of your counselor, and searching for good books and articles about overcoming difficulties in your life like separation and divorce, and books about self-growth. I like Tonny Robins conferences and videos, Zig Ziglar books and Gary Chapman books like 5 Love Languages. There's always hope.
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