I don't think that you necessarily want him back. The idea of some strange woman interacting with your kids is likely what is setting this off. My husband has an OW that he cheated on me with and I told him that under no circumstances do I want our kids to be around her. I think that any woman who would break up a marriage and sleep with a married man has issues. I don't want her exposing her issues to my children. But in reality, I know that if he really wanted to have them meet, there would not be much I could do about it. I am sure I could get the majority of custody time, but he is not a bad father. Just a bad husband. So the thought eats at me, every time i think that they are getting more serious. At least this isn't the woman he cheated on you with. Learn as much as you can about her. Tell you husband that if she is going to be around your children, you would like to meet her first before they do and maybe you will find that she is decent and approachable or likable. At least you will get a chance to feel her out, see if she has any parenting views or opinions that completely differ from yours. Good luck.

I really have commend you for the wonderful way you have handled things for your kids. Your kids are so lucky to have you for a Mom.

I feel the only thing you haven't thought about is the likelihood that your ex will be cheating on his new girl also. People say if you want a look into the future------just look at past behavior.
Try and put up with the new girl, just for the kids, even though it's going to be tough.
In the future, you will look back and be so grateful you took the high road.
I wish you the best of luck.

i think that your husband is a cowardly piece of shit
and , although well intended, you enable him to completely frig up your kids.

your kids have a fake family, your husband and you are are giving the kids a fake family, the kids would define "our / my " family as mommy, daddy, sibling, and me.

that ain't so.

daddy has destroyed that family, he doesn't have the backbone to at least say so.

you are trying to protect your kids from that truth by hiding it.

you can only mess up people (your kids) by denying reality

I am sorry for your family

your family is the kids and you, it is the only stability that the kids have. take care of them and you, kick their cowardly "father' out of your family.


as for your hurt and anger.... me, I loved my cheating wife, even long after she pissed on our family and my heart , no shame in that

Did he tell you about his new girlfriend, or did you find out another way? Were there any plans for divorce? I'm guessing you may be having a hard time with this, because although you are separated with no plans to reconcile, you are still married...and this shows a total lack of respect to whatever is left of the marriage. Unless your husband and the new gal are murdering drug addicts who abuse your children, there isn't much legally you can do about her being around your kids. Maybe this isn't the most mature thing to do, but if you meet the new woman, maybe you can ask her if they are serious, or if this is just another one of his flings - since you kind of need to know whether or not you should be filing for divorce. Again, I feel like you're having problems with this because you are still married, and you haven't moved on one way or the other, while he moved on, disregarding the legal or moral steps one should take. The separation, for him, was an opportunity. For you, it has been limbo. You may have subconsciously been holding on to salvaging your marriage, and this just woke you up. I read a post (I think it was on this site) where a lady had been separated for years (no children) and had no contact with her husband. They lived in separate states, and she gets a petition for divorce. She contacts her husband and finds out he's planning on getting married. It hit her pretty hard, and just like you, she didn't know why. Marriage is supposed to be forever, but nowadays, it's becoming a status on Facebook.

You been apart a while for no divorce.... Its kinda like postponing the inevitable. Of course cheating is extremely hurtful. I don't condone this relationship as your technically married but in all fair mess its now been 4 years. We like you guys do stuff together with kids so I understand that. I have mixed feelings on that too. It is what it is for us right now. I will never be thrilled for my kids to be introduced to a new women however I know its not my choice too. Hopefully its not a rush thing for them to meet her. Hopefully in that regards he will be them first. I really am sorry for your pain but of you both can't agree to work on it, eventually dating will happen.you probably still have some feelings maybe not really wanting him back but this is a sensitive matter for most.

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. Intellectually, I know you are all correct in that I have just been postponing the inevitable for a multitude of reasons, but mostly, I have been trying so hard to protect my kids from that final devastation. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I have always done what I felt was right for my kids at the time. Leaving it to stagnate for so long may not have been the best course, but at the time, I was trying to help my kids adjust as easily as possible (thank you for your kind words on that, gem111).

My husband was NOT honest about this new woman...SHOCKER!!! Long story short, she was the friend of the girlfriend of one of my husband's friends. Unbeknownst to me, my children were around her at least once at this friend's house, and they told me. My youngest was VERY upset by this, so I asked my husband about it. Of course, he denied it. Later, my oldest found some "disturbing" texts on my husband's phone, so that is when it all really came out. It wasn't until very recently that he finally told me that they were getting serious and she is thinking of moving here. She could be a completely decent person, although starting a relationship with a married man, separated or not, calls her character into question. Obviously my husband doesn't have a problem with it! He should have manned up when he started getting serious with her and talked to me about filing for divorce, but....not a real shocker that I was last on the totem pole of concern!!

I guess the unfairness of it all just got to me. I'm alone, and probably will be for the foreseeable future. First, the last thing I need right now is another man in my life, and secondly, unlike my husband, I will not expose my children to just anyone. They are still fairly young and they are, and always will be, my #1 priority. Also, the thought of actually dating makes me want to puke!!! But knowing that he gets his happily ever after, at least theoretically, after everything that he's done, just makes me CRAZY!!!

He was a terrible husband, but not a terrible dad. I know he loves the kids and will hopefully put his hormones on hold and do what is best for them. The one thing that both terrifies me and gives me a twisted sense of satisfaction is how my children will relate to this new woman. I don't want them to be hurt....EVER, but I can't help but get a sick thrill out of the fact that my children are not going to accept her with open arms. I think both of my kids will give them hell, especially my youngest....he's a definite mama's boy. I have never bad mouthed my husband in front of my children, and I'm not going to start now.....but I can't say I won't have a couple "I told ya so's" stored up!!

Thank you all again for your advice and just giving me opportunity to spill my guts. Getting everything out and getting different perspectives does help.

About the final devastation you mention. Are you sure it will be that hard?

I recently told my kids about the pending divorce (4 weeks remaining until final decree) and I was somewhat dreading it, somewhat not knowing how it would go. But as I communicated with them, I realized I've been there the whole time for them, and much of what they have learned from life has come from me. The conversation actually went quite well. I know my younger ones don't fully understand yet, but they understood the basics of me no longer living in "this house."

All things considered, they knew more than I would have imagined, I merely confirmed the truth, which was liberating in a sense. When marriages or relationships break down, it usually happens over a long time, everyone feels the pain, even the kids.

About his happy ever after, maybe it's a marriage from hell that results in terrible pain? Maybe he gets cheated on. We don't know. Putting your energy on imaging how great things are for him is not putting your energy on you!

I have been back and forth on dating myself and whether or not I even believe in relationships, but I guess I'm getting to a place where I don't want to limit myself from having one.

Cheers

I would love to say that I hope you are right about my kids understanding, JBuck, but yes, I think it is going to be bad. My oldest one "gets" it a little better and has a better understanding of what is going on, although I don't think he has a clue about his dad's infidelity. He knows he is seeing someone now and doesn't really want to talk about it. My youngest is a totally different story. Even after all of this time separated, he still asks me questions like why his dad and I don't kiss or hold hands, or say " I love you" to each other. He'll say he wants us to live together like a family again, etc. Those are the times I want to strangle my husband for what he has done. Yes, his actions hurt me terribly, but I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. It's the hurt to the family unit and to my children that just pierces my heart.

I know what you are saying about putting too much energy into his new relationship, and you are probably right. I just didn't expect to feel this way, hence...the title thrown for a loop. It's not like the damage hadn't already been done, but when he told me how serious this new relationship was, it just felt like things were happening all over again.

I'm glad you are getting to the place that you are considering future relationships. I am definitely NOT there yet. I don't know that I will ever be. I can imagine maybe dating someone casually in the future, but anything beyond that is incomprehensible at this point.

Ummm, you have been separated for four years, why? That goes far beyond wanting to make things smoother for the children. That screams of denial, really. It also seems a little like a control situation. "I don't want you, but I'm not going to completely let you go, either, because I don't want anyone else to have you". Sometimes we do things and say it is all in the name of protecting or easing things for our kids, when the reality is, it is our own selfish motives. I think you need to find a therapist and talk about this whole situation. Your ex cheated, and the fact you only separated makes me wonder if there are some codependency or control issues that need dealt with. Also, the reality is, he was going to eventually find someone who he wanted to build a life with because every indication from you was there was no working it out. He wanted to come home and you said no. I don't disagree with your decision, but you can't have it both ways, either. You don't want him, but don't want him to move on. That is not healthy for you, your children or him.