I'm confused - HE was spying on her with cameras, spyware and "spies", but he was the one sending inappropriate messages to a co-worker?

I guess its irrelevant, because in the end, if I were the type of person to spy on my partner, Id be married to the type of person who is likely to cheat.

This makes me sigh so deeply inside....relationship shouldn't be so damn hard. At one time I told my ex I didn't mind if he had "girl" friends, as long as he kept it clean. He said he was. He didn't and I had my suspicions. The woman he is with now, was one of those "friends".

Did you tell him to stop? Ask him why the incessant texting with her? Does he text you like that? Just b/c you aren't seeing "anything" much in their texting doesn't mean something else isn't going on. But I will say, a guy has no business telling another woman that "... he hoped they worked the same shift together soon because he wanted to see her beautiful face next to his." That would piss me off and hurt my feelings and to me, he crossed a line.

If its a pattern? He knows you are hurt/bothered by it and continues? I personally would have a hard time trusting my partner going forward period. Plus they work together, so even if they stopped texting...it doesn't mean other crap is going on that you don't know about.

I have said it before and I will say it again...we all screw up in relationships, but its what we do with that screw up when it comes to light and the behavior going forward that matters the most. Some things you can come back from, some you cannot. Only you know what you can tolerate.

Personally? When I do get into another relationship something like this would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not going to waste my time on someone who needs his ego stroked by another woman and who knows what else.



Bottom line...listen to your gut.

Are their other issues in your relationship or is it just this one?

No sorry if I confused you. Her husband was the spy. My husband and his wife were messaging each other.

I left him. There was actually no part of me that considered staying. I hurt for my daughter but I could not remain in that relationship. We have been married for 10 years, together for 13 years. It is hard to say if he has done this before. He says he hasn't. I don't trust him and I am sure I will never know the whole story. The only two people in this case who know the truth are deceitful. I was not aware of any big issues in our marriage. He has always been needier than I am. I think he had a mid-life crisis when this was going on. He started acting weird...lying in bed for hours in a dark room and messaging me that he missed me and was lonely. I was in the living room. All he had to do was walk a few steps if he really wanted to see me. I have never seen him act like that before. Looking back, I think it was guilt. Once the bizarre behavior stopped, he told me he needed more attention, so of course I gave it to him and all was well, until I stumbled on to the messages and opened the flood gates. Allegedly they have no communication now. Who knows?!

I would find it unacceptable. Up to 30 texts a day is beyond excessive (it's obsessive!) and texts saying 'he missed her and that he might need a hug and that he hoped they worked the same shift together soon because he wanted to see her beautiful face next to his.' are not simple messages between 'friends'.

As Aurora stated, your course of action really depends on what you're willing to tolerate and whether you think it's innocent or not, and if not, whether you think it's salvageable and if you still trust him.

I don't think I'd be impulsive, however I would make my concerns known and understand what he was and was not willing to do before undertaking a drastic course of action.

He is willing to do anything, or so he says. It doesn't matter though. I'm done. I am not tempted to stay with him. I am not one bit attracted to him. Even when the pain was fresh, I did not consider remaining in the marriage. He I shocked and thinks I am over reacting. That doesn't matter to me. I just wondered if anyone else would see it his way....wrong but not as big of a deal as I am making out of it.

I would...and I did.

Life's too short to allow yourself to be second-rate in a marriage. For me, I have too much pride and self-esteem, and I live by the credo that I will not go to bed with something I don't want to wake up with in the morning...and that included a husband who disrespected me by having an affair.

There have been women and men who have stayed despite infidelity and I really don't know how they do this but I don't find that monogamy is not a natural thing for a lot of men and even some women. It's all about ego for some men and some women. Would I dump him? Yes is my first instinct answer but I would want more information. The whole going into the bedroom and texting you is a red flag that he was the one pulling away from you whatever his reasons and I'm not the type of person who wants to have to feel the need to practically beg someone to "love" me and my first instinct would be to go somewhere where I felt needed by someone but not in a romantic way. I would just need to know my relevancy in my life so .....I can understand men and women thinking an extramarital affair would give them a sense of relevancy or attention from the opposite sex but I personally think this is not the correct way to find it and it would most likely be a deal breaker for me. Best Wishes to you :-).

Don't know about your gut, but my gut says its over. And yes after being honest and telling him what you know and how it makes you feel I'd leave him.

As the old saying goes " Where there is smoke there's fire" and I see a need for a fire truck here big time!

Violation of trust is cheating
Sharing vulnerability with anyone other than your spouse

He may not have had a physical affair but he certainly had an emotional one. Thirty texts in one day??? That's excessive.

Based on what their saying in the texts, I believe a physical affair was probably coming along soon.

No one can really tell you what to do in this situation. Only you can know what's right for you. I would encourage you to call an attorney and a counselor.

Sending hugs! I'm so sorry.

I would dump him. I went through same. My live-in bf of 4 years never stopped doing this through the relationship despite me giving several opportunities and despite seeing me very broken over his actions. When someone is corresponding w/an outsider we truly don't know how far it has gone or will go - so it doesn't even matter who is spying on them - if they haven't been physical, they will be. Life is too short to overlook this BS, I learned that the hard way. Left him - best decision ever. I have peace. That is worth way more than any man.

Probably, because at the very least it sounds like an emotional affair. My (then) husband went to a dating site and connected with another woman. She lived hundreds of miles away and they had not met in person at the time I found out about her. HE says it wasn't an affair. I say it was. In my opinion, if you cant put those messages out in the open for all to see, it's cheating.
We divorced and he ended up marrying...

There is always something wrong with any relationship that has to be hidden. It is amazing how much conscience some people develop when they get caught, how sorry they are after getting busted. Do you think he would have stopped if he was still getting away with it? Healthy relationships don't have secrets. My God, what ever happened to the Golden Rule?