Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So going thru the beginning of the Divorce process - and in a tight spot - I am stuck in the basement - Financially speaking I can't leave - we have 3 kids and she does not work - I don't want to abandon my kids or them see daddy leave. It is so hard, each week gets harder. I try to be nice and keep to myself and do the NCNC - but it almost impossible. I just want her to get a job and get on with this so I can heal..
Back story - 10 years of marriage - never fought, best of friends and everybody thought we where a perfect fit, even me!!!
3 kids - after the birth of our youngest 2 years ago, we decided as a family since her company was downsizing that it was probably best for her to stay at home and save from Day Care and raise the 3rd, we missed out on a lot by both of us working - From that moment on she changed slowly, we all asked her what she needed or where we could help. She responded that I go out to work and she stays home and works. it was a tough transition for all, the baby was difficult - but we got thru it, but it definitely changed her.
Then out of the blue in December she said that se wanted a Divorce and that she felt left behind and unsupported. I asked if we could go to Marriage Counseling and I would realign my work schedule to help and or do Part Time day care. I was in shock. She wanted out, get her own place, split the kids and get a job - had everything laid out.
Well, the next day I find out about her "Emotional Friend" - then the wheels fall off - secret phones, text message, gatherings so forth. I again asked to go to marriage counseling - she said no.
Well weeks of this all while leaving under the same roof - This "boyfriend" is a winner - herion addict, arrest/rehab 2 over the last 6 months. But she still goes back to him, hell she even had major surgery and he show up to her pre-exam while I was home with kids, to the point after surgery before she saw me, waited 4 hours she was calling him, and upset that he never to the call, why - cause he was in jail...
So much bullshit, sorry - but I tried to keep peace and better everything around her to see what an amazing family we have and how I would work on the marriage at all cost - I love her and value the marriage and vows - od school I guess. What I have found out over the months is that she is on her own path, will use my weakness to her advantage and has no feelings - she is not what I though she was .
I knew what I had to do - get a lawyer - I am afraid of this guy around my kids - hell, he has no job, criminal record, herion addict, going thru his own sticky divorce and can't see his own kids - real winner
But, I am stuck in the basement, the county I live in says if I leave for an extended time then it is abandonment, I don't want to leave my kids, don't want this guy at my house. She has not found a job, stated alimony and child support will keep her set up. Found a shady lawyer, I have to deal with all this pain all while leaving under the same roof, I been there for the kids and will fight if necessary. I know that she is shellfish and literally destroying a family right in front of her face. But the pain comes so hard, I try to be tough but I am getting screwed left and right. Just need some support. Sorry for the long story
Back story - 10 years of marriage - never fought, best of friends and everybody thought we where a perfect fit, even me!!!
3 kids - after the birth of our youngest 2 years ago, we decided as a family since her company was downsizing that it was probably best for her to stay at home and save from Day Care and raise the 3rd, we missed out on a lot by both of us working - From that moment on she changed slowly, we all asked her what she needed or where we could help. She responded that I go out to work and she stays home and works. it was a tough transition for all, the baby was difficult - but we got thru it, but it definitely changed her.
Then out of the blue in December she said that se wanted a Divorce and that she felt left behind and unsupported. I asked if we could go to Marriage Counseling and I would realign my work schedule to help and or do Part Time day care. I was in shock. She wanted out, get her own place, split the kids and get a job - had everything laid out.
Well, the next day I find out about her "Emotional Friend" - then the wheels fall off - secret phones, text message, gatherings so forth. I again asked to go to marriage counseling - she said no.
Well weeks of this all while leaving under the same roof - This "boyfriend" is a winner - herion addict, arrest/rehab 2 over the last 6 months. But she still goes back to him, hell she even had major surgery and he show up to her pre-exam while I was home with kids, to the point after surgery before she saw me, waited 4 hours she was calling him, and upset that he never to the call, why - cause he was in jail...
So much bullshit, sorry - but I tried to keep peace and better everything around her to see what an amazing family we have and how I would work on the marriage at all cost - I love her and value the marriage and vows - od school I guess. What I have found out over the months is that she is on her own path, will use my weakness to her advantage and has no feelings - she is not what I though she was .
I knew what I had to do - get a lawyer - I am afraid of this guy around my kids - hell, he has no job, criminal record, herion addict, going thru his own sticky divorce and can't see his own kids - real winner
But, I am stuck in the basement, the county I live in says if I leave for an extended time then it is abandonment, I don't want to leave my kids, don't want this guy at my house. She has not found a job, stated alimony and child support will keep her set up. Found a shady lawyer, I have to deal with all this pain all while leaving under the same roof, I been there for the kids and will fight if necessary. I know that she is shellfish and literally destroying a family right in front of her face. But the pain comes so hard, I try to be tough but I am getting screwed left and right. Just need some support. Sorry for the long story
I will never leave the kids and if he is around the farther we go in the divorce process then the more I will fight for full custody. Anger can only fuel me for awhile, I am not a very anger person, not in my core, it is tough to stay there. But it is the pain of rejection, the loss of my partner, the family that I am struggling with.. I am not afraid of the future, but the hurt and pain come in huge waves and she knows how to break me. I have yet to say one negative thing to her except that she was destroying me and our family. she said the kids are resilient and since we both love them they will be fine. Her reality on life is distorted. I take personally take care of myself to look good for her, spoil my family when I can, vacations, nice home, money in our accounts, I put her on a pedestal because I loved her and then she became lonely because my role at work improved meaning less home time, but is that not what you want in life, better for your kids than you had with out spoiling them and teaching them morals and values.. Not everyday is rose petals, but looking at the whole picture of our marriage we where in a good place then she total did a 180 on me. A lot of this happen after the 3rd child, defiantly mid life crisis on her behalf - I get it, young kids - but she could do whatever she choose whenever she wanted, I trusted her with everything. She wants to be on her own, part time mom living the life I took away. Said she felt like that since the beginning, would like to have known that before 3 kids and debt... You took away my first career now doing damage to the second one and everything that matters to me.
mommato2lilmonkeys
Yes there is light at the end of the tunnel. My wife pulled the same thing 14 months ago after 24 years together. Our kids were much older so I had no problem giving her the heave ho after living together for 3 weeks after he bombshell and it was obvious she was done.
It will definitely get better once you have her cheating ass out on her own. Do what you have to for the kids. Don't keep going back to why and what ifs, it'll drive you batshit crazy and you'll never be satisfied with the answers, as there just isn't any. Once they make their mind up that's it. Better to cut them off and take care of yourself and your kids. Screw her. I was way too nice to my ex early on and now I don't talk to her anymore. Text or email only and only about the kids. Her son won't talk to her anymore he's cut her off completely. My daughter knows she's a loser as she lost her job soon after the split and hasn't worked since so she doesn't help financially one iota. She's not who she used to be. You'll get through it, you sound like a great dad and deserve anyone other than this disordered nightmare. Let her go live her pathetic life.
it is going to be tough sledding for you, get a layer, get tested for stds, get counseling, think about same for your kids ---- kids are funny in that some will want to open up and others won't, i don't think you push it on them,
Gentle hugs.
I get the kids all weekend, she is going to Florida to visit her sister for a long weekend - I will be so relieved the moment I have the house and kids to myself - 4 days - I have plans, friends and kids Sat, Sunday fun day and Monday kids drop of pick up alone time with baby!! - taking off the whole time. No Rules just fun!!!
I know that I cannot avoid her, and moments throughout the day kill me, cripple me but I will get thru it. She will never feel those pains, showed little or no remorse over the past 6 months, Shed one tear, why because she going to lose my best friend of 30 years wife as a friend. She still thinks that all my core friends will still be her core friends (she has few close friends, just a ton of random) She stated, when it is all over that they are personal friends and will reconnent and life will be fine. Serious, my close friends are my rocks, the ones helping me thru this time. They don't like what you did to me or my kids. Her reality is messed up, she is so evil, when I look in her eyes I see a dead black core, crazy right she used to have beautiful eyes of warmth and home, but she is now a shell of a person I thought I knew. She is sneaky and says crazy things to hurt me, I have come to words don't hurt actions do. But her actions are painful, and she is starting to know when I am off and making plans with her and just the kids, come on, your a stay at home mom you see them everyday, give me a chance to play and give love and hugs.. But I keep reminding myself, that is now, the future the little rugrats will be all mine on my days and nobody can stop me, cause I am there Father!! Her family is pushy, disrespect and selfish and I am done respecting them and bending for them. I am the children father and I do have the right they are just family members.
But yes, she gave up her marriage and family life so she can go out and be single. Go to bars, get laid, whatever. Her eyes are dead and cold, just as you describe. She disgusts me. We've been together 19.5 years. When things were not great, instead of trying to talk to me or work on our marriage she just started cheating. I am the person who supported her financially during her medical training, became the primary childcare person for our daughter, who has been a difficult child, does all the bils, finances, takes care of the house - and works a full-time job. I have been used.
I have to live in the same house with her for 1.5 more months unless I can find a good way to get out sooner and still have my time with my daughter. I am the person who gets her from school, makes dinner, does homework, etc. It is hard as hell to be in the same house. I try to avoid her as much as possible while making sure I get enough time with my daughter. That is a tough thing to do - it means I can't just go out every night to get away (at least until after my daughter is in bed).
Stay strong and do what is best for your kids. Make lists of all the ways in which the current version of your wife is a horrible person and re-read them whenever you feel weak moments coming on. You deserve better.
I too tried so much of what you did. "What can I do? I love you and want us to be together. How can this be happening? Let's go to marriage counseling..." To no end. As men, we are biologically programmed to "fix" things. And I felt totally helpless and emasculated when my wife checked out. It was sooo deeply frustrating. I felt so pathetic. In retrospect, I almost wish I had dragged her out of the house by her hair the night I figured it all out, and told her to go move in with her scumbag of a boyfriend. Changed the locks and thrown all her stuff out into the street. Then set it on fire. Man, I have been to some dark places. I sat up late into the night, watching episodes of Forensic Files, practically taking notes.
It's good that you cut her off financially. You do have to position yourself as "the rock" for your kids. While everything else is changing all around them, you are not. But don't ever badmouth your stbxw to them.
If I didn't say it I certainly could have lol!
And Forensic Files haha! One of my favorite shows now :)
And I did have the pleasure of bagging all her shit into garbage bags and throwing them in the garage and telling her she had one week or its all going to Goodwill. Very therapeutic. Once they've made their mind up its better to cut them off and out of your life.