Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
THIS IS LONG, I need to vent. If you take the time to read, I appreciate it, but you have been warned :)
Sorry, I am having a tough morning as the day I will leave my marital home approaches. I have been taking my stuff to my new place and yesterday, as I was putting clothes in the closet, I felt very sad and with a deep sense of loss.
I was the one asking for the divorce, I know. People keep asking why, he didn't cheat on me, he makes good money, I have 2 wonderful children, he even said he could forgive the emotional affair I had a year ago... what else could I ask for?
I have been unhappy for years, and so has he. We both know it, difference is that he says he can live like that. I can't. We have no good memories, we don't have plans for the future and I feel crushed and lonely when I am next to him. Life should be good, I think, nor crying myself to sleep, or even worse, as I have done lately, drinking myself to sleep. He needs professional help, but refuses to even consider it.
I have done my best to make this a home for him, but when divorce was first put on the table, he said we should try to work things out. Months passed and i didn't see any changes. He still had his anger outbursts, he still managed to spoil what could have been happy moments, he is still deaf and blind to my needs.
So, I want out and out I am going. It took me years of sleepless nights, therapy and tears to get to this point. I am not taking it lightly. Divorce SUCKS but also sucks being married to someone who is not mentally healthy. He is not, but I can't diagnose his problem.
I am sad and depressed, some days are too much to handle, I mourn the love I had for this man, I mourn the loss of my hopes and what should have been the best years of my life. I am hurting because I know my children are in pain and I know he is in pain, too.
BUT PLEASE, STOP ASKING IF I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE. I suggested couples therapy and he agreed to it but as he kept showing no will to really be hands on things, I knew this has been dead for a while. I know I could suck it up and try to be happy with what I want, but truth is I am going crazy. Everything that makes me happy, upsets him. If he gives me a present, it's never what I want, it is what the thinks I need. I am not his partner, he is the captain of the boat, and he wants me to sink with him.
So, have I done everything to save my marriage? Answer is NO, people. I could but I won't. My energies are depleted and I have no good reason to keep on fighting. Sorry. I said it. I rather get away and heal myself.
One day at a time.
Sorry, I am having a tough morning as the day I will leave my marital home approaches. I have been taking my stuff to my new place and yesterday, as I was putting clothes in the closet, I felt very sad and with a deep sense of loss.
I was the one asking for the divorce, I know. People keep asking why, he didn't cheat on me, he makes good money, I have 2 wonderful children, he even said he could forgive the emotional affair I had a year ago... what else could I ask for?
I have been unhappy for years, and so has he. We both know it, difference is that he says he can live like that. I can't. We have no good memories, we don't have plans for the future and I feel crushed and lonely when I am next to him. Life should be good, I think, nor crying myself to sleep, or even worse, as I have done lately, drinking myself to sleep. He needs professional help, but refuses to even consider it.
I have done my best to make this a home for him, but when divorce was first put on the table, he said we should try to work things out. Months passed and i didn't see any changes. He still had his anger outbursts, he still managed to spoil what could have been happy moments, he is still deaf and blind to my needs.
So, I want out and out I am going. It took me years of sleepless nights, therapy and tears to get to this point. I am not taking it lightly. Divorce SUCKS but also sucks being married to someone who is not mentally healthy. He is not, but I can't diagnose his problem.
I am sad and depressed, some days are too much to handle, I mourn the love I had for this man, I mourn the loss of my hopes and what should have been the best years of my life. I am hurting because I know my children are in pain and I know he is in pain, too.
BUT PLEASE, STOP ASKING IF I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE. I suggested couples therapy and he agreed to it but as he kept showing no will to really be hands on things, I knew this has been dead for a while. I know I could suck it up and try to be happy with what I want, but truth is I am going crazy. Everything that makes me happy, upsets him. If he gives me a present, it's never what I want, it is what the thinks I need. I am not his partner, he is the captain of the boat, and he wants me to sink with him.
So, have I done everything to save my marriage? Answer is NO, people. I could but I won't. My energies are depleted and I have no good reason to keep on fighting. Sorry. I said it. I rather get away and heal myself.
One day at a time.
"It's a long story, do you have a few hours?"
If that doesn't get them, then:
"I'm moving, how about coming to help and I'll tell you all about it."
Most people run like hell from requests like that. Deceptive on my part...maybe, but it was intrusive on theirs to begin with.
The ones that actually have a few hours to help me, weren't the ones that wouldn't drop it when I asked politely for them to stop.
Good luck,
Patti
AveFenix, you are not alone. I have a similar story of respression and trying again without any substantial change from my spouse, then finally saying enough is enough. Only I waited too many years in a toxic relationship (so most people responded "what took you so long"). I was married for 25 years (with him for 30). I started wanting to get out after year 5...so be thankful you didn't waste half your life before getting up the courage to call it quits. Pat yourself on the back.
I was with a covert manipulator. Felt it, but questioned my intuition (plus stuck it out based on my values & on principle & for the kids). Finally I stumbled upon the book In Sheeps Clothing by Dr. George Simon (based on a response to my post on this site). It was the antidote to his manipulative force over me. If you ever waiver in your choice I'd suggest reading it because many of the facts in your post suggest to me that you are also married to a manipulator.
Good luck and God Bless.
I was sure he suffered from depression - and that led to his disconnection from me and the kids and (like others here) his reactions were completely unreasonable. But he refused to acknowledge it and. Get help.
In the end, I didn't pull the trigger, he did. He found someone. Online who would stroke him and validate him and he left me for OW.
At times, I can't believe I didn't pull the trigger myself. What does that say about me?
I think you are very courageous.
YOU ARE DONE, IT TOOK COURAGE BUT YOU ARE ''FREE'' FROM THIS PARASITE I WISH I WAS, NOW BE HAPPY, HAVE NO REGRETS, YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE HAPPIER IN TIME, WHO WATS TO LIVE WITH A MISERABLE FATHER THAT ANTS YOU TO DO WHAT HE LIKES..
BEST WISHES , BE HAPPY, YOU DESERVE PEACE, JOY, LOVE, NOT MISERY, LOVE ***
You can get into a tug of war with your ex, about what you wish his house rules would be, or who he'll have around the kids. You'll never win that. Never.
Or you can focus on the positives of even the worst situations (and isn't that the kind of adults you want them to grow up to be?). Focus on problem solving. Help them to learn skills that will enable them to be independent.
The greatest skill that they can ever learn is how to pick themselves up when life gets rough and go on...and be happy.
only you know if you did
i'd define everything as including open honest forthcoming communication about "how the marriage is working for me" , how is it for you and what can WE do about it
from your post it seems pretty clear that you have done that over a long period of time with someone that actively chooses to turn a deaf ear
You are right. You have no idea how many times I tried to make him understand why I felt so miserable. If you talked to him (like everybody else), he will give you a gazillion LOGICAL reasons for everything he does (and doesn't). I have asked that some times he puts asides his reasons and put the love for me first. He just can't. We don't communicate. I am sure he loves me as much as he could, but I can't let my guilt make me stay. I don't like the person I am with him. We are not growing together, we are destroying each other, because I am aware I enable his behavior and I have made lots of mistakes, too.
I could give it "one more try", I could give it a million more but I don't have a reason for it. Like I said, he is the captain of the Titanic and he wants me to play the violin while it sinks. I prefer to refocus my energies on myself and then my kids. And I truly care about him, I hope this will help him get his act together and start taking care of himself, too. He deserves to be happy, but he must learn he is responsible of it.
Funny that you mention it, I stumble upon that book a few days ago. Didn't read it yet but will definitely. My STBX is not only a manipulator, he is an out of the book BULLY and I am easy prey.
However, I ended up buying a book named "Divorcing a Narcissist", about a mom's battle in court with a nightmare of an ex (seems like my legal process will get really ugly, too), and the way she described some of her ex's behaviors, shocked me as they were exactly what I have lived. I didn't know what a narcissist was, but seems like I married one.
Made me feel a bit better to know I am not "the crazy one" in this marriage. At least not the only one.
It is now time to go from-----
"There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough"
I think you have endured way more than enough. You have no control over what he says or does. Save yourself while you still can.
Good luck!!!!!
You mentioned "... I haven't been angry or threatening, I have been hurt and upset, crying and begging..." My husband too expressed these types of feelings (although he was angry and threatening when drunk). He too believed he was "selfless and willing to do anything for my wife and kids..." - although his behaviors told a different story.
As you probably know, every relationship is like a 'dance' and thus nothing happens in a vacuum - we all act (in part) in response to how our partner acts (& vice versa).
Well for me, my partner's expressed hurt, crying, fears, pity party, etc. led me to tip toe around his 'fragile ego'. I felt as though I could never fully express my needs, frustration, and anger because to do so would be a very direct and critical judgment of his character, attitudes, and behavior. And in the past when I'd been direct in my communications, it actually set him back (i.e. his behavior and self esteem would get worse, not better).
So for years (decades) I 'pulled my punches'. I tried to communicate these things, but either it was too infrequent (i.e. I was trying to be patient with him), or too watered down.
In then end I came to realize that he was actually a manipulator and he took full advantage of my fighting with one hand tied behind my back. He knew it and it suited him just fine because then he didn't have to change or fully acknowledge his problems or do anything but continue the status quo (which suited him just fine). As a matter of fact, it made it easy for him to 'play me' and turn the tables to always keep me subordinate and on the defensive.
My point is, I think most women respond to a sensitive/hurt male ego with kid gloves (i.e. they subordinate, soften, and stuff their anger/frustration). It's not part of the healthy relationship equation, and I hope to do things differently next time (if/when I find a new life partner).
Good luck Ave.
I really wish you all the best, whatever future brings to you.
I had heard about the book Sheep's Clothing from the site (Patti and Good Provider). Meant to go look them up when I had time.
Then, over the weekend, I was doing some internet research to help me deal with a toxic peer at work... and I stumbled into the author's work. if you Google "covert aggression" you will find a lot on the net. It was a stunning eye openner for me.