People know their breaking point. It' s different for everyone. You reached yours.

I think people on the outside looking in tend to have to "right" answers, because they really can't understand - not because they are ignorant, but people tend to get scared when things like this happen to other people and they realize how it could happen to them, too.

Thank you so much for reading. I guess divorce is like when you are pregnant and everybody is an expert on the matter. I am very emotional and maybe overreacting, but every time someone asks if I will consider "just giving it one more try" or "consider changing my mind", or tells me "it is perfectly fine to regret", it rubs salt on the wound, like I am the bad guy. Believe me, if things were, don't say "wonderful", at least "normal", I would not be leaving. Can we be two bad guys here? Don't they say it takes two to make it or break it?
Thanks again, I am having a bad morning..

This is so true.

People have no idea. It's a very rude thing to say, really, if you think about it.

Best wishes for a bright and happy future.

The people who question if you have done everything you can too save your marriage, obviously do not know to have a healthy and happy marriage, it takes 2 people who care about each other to make it happen.

Being in a marriage giving 100% of yourself all the time while your partner sucks it all up and only cares about himself IMHO is no
marriage at all.
It may not be easy all the time, but it will get better.
Everybody deserves a chance at happiness.
Please, enjoy your freedom, you have earned it.

AveFenix, i am in a similiar sitation as you except I have not gotten to the point of leaving yet. I have tried to make things better and communicated my needs with no lasting change on his end. You said it has taken years to get to where you are now and that is what I am afraid of. I dont want to be in an unhappy marriage for years but I am having the hardest time finding the courage to take that next step. After you asked for the divorce did your husband try to change then or say that he would finally change this time? Mine won't talk to me about his unhappiness unless I pry it out of him and he would be content just living like this forever but I can't. My spirit is dying inside, it is just so hard to say the words knowing all the pain that will come from them. How did you finally find the courage to do it??

I know how you feel Avefenix, as I have mentioned before...I agree with prior poster that people who have been left may feel their own feelings resurface and respond to you in a way that's not helpful, maybe hurtful.

I am so very sorry for your pain. I think you are brave.

I wish I were as brave.

I wish you happiness and peace, but most of all, the discernment to choose carefully with all the knowledge that you've gained from this. If you choose in the future to try again, that is!

Best best wishes to you and your children!!

I think of a marriage like the relationship between the sun and the moon with the earth. If one or both people are always thinking about the tides and always anticipate the gravitational pull then noone will ever be happy in it because the marriage is the union. The unfortunate thing is life throws in surprises and difficulties that without emotional support from one another it sets off a counterbalance and when the tide is high and everyone can end up drowing in someone else's gravitational pull.You can't save a marriage alone. I just think you are mourning the fact that someone you love is drowning and you have to watch helplessly. Bug Hugs. I know its extremely difficult. My divorce was finalized Tuesday Aug 4.

Big Hugs*

Thank you all!!!!

ReadLovePray, I sat down with my husband May of 2014 and told him I had been miserable for years. He ignored me. September 2014 (I was having an emotional affair, and not proud of it....) he found out and got really mad. Asked me to end it and to work on our marriage. Nothing changed. I put divorce on the table on February. He said "You have 2 options, we fix our marriage or you can leave without children, or child support or anything, you will be on your own". Of course he scared me enough to stay. Nothing changed. Meanwhile I checked with a few attorneys and found out whether I could take the kids or any of the assets wasn't his choice. I started therapy in November 2014. Changed therapists a couple times because I still didn't feel sturdy on my feet. I decided to put all my efforts to work on my marriage and we took a trip abroad to attend my mom's 70th birthday party. He managed to spoil it, as he has done with every special event since we got married, that was when I knew I didn't have what was needed to stay. Asked for divorce April 11 2015. IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. And since then, he has been mad, sad, hurt... everything but NOT ONCE he has asked "what can I do to make you stay?", let alone do anything about it.
He is not the man I married. And I am not the one he married, either. I need to recover myself. Or reinvent myself. I just know if I stay I will end up killing myself, and my children would prefer a divorced mom than a dead mom.

charliegirl29,

I love the way you put it. I am neither romantic nor nave, I am being realistic, and realistically, I can push, I can pull, but I can't drag someone else.

Thank you all, wonderful people. God bless. Remember, we will ALL be okay. One day at a time.

I can empathize with it all. Good for you and good luck!

I am in the same situation after 32 years of problems. My STBX has had severe mood issues and has cyber stalked me and our kids for years. He ran up huge debt, had unrealistic expectations that made me feel constant stress. He basically suffocated me. Years of emotional and sexual manipulation. Lies and porn addiction, and trying to sext with his female relative for years. His problems run deep and I can't fix him. I'm exhausted from trying with no results. He was resistant to change during therapy. I felt sheer misery and alone from years of emotional abuse. And every day he told me over and over how much he loved me. Enough misery - I chose divorce. He is a broken man but is functioning. He tries to be around often in the guise of hanging with our teenagers but I know he just wants to be near me, so I leave. He doesn't understand boundaries. Once I began to withdraw emotionally from his tirades, I lost respect for him and never felt the same for him again. I told myself for years that maybe I will love and trust him again, and I put his feelings before mine. No more. So I totally understand that people try to fix it but nothing changes - someone has to end the mess. I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone - it's so horribly painful and life is scary at times now. But I am at peace finally. No more being constantly watched and lied to, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I don't have to torture myself with having to lay next to someone I don't want. I was slowly dying. So I am happy for you that you found the strength to end a bad situation and be happy!

Dear AveFenix you are so NOT ALONE in feeling what you feel, you and only you deserve happiness and contentment and if he doesn't see this then sadly thats his problem not yours...... Status Quo is not an option also not a life,as for the people saying "are you sure" or have you done everything you can to save it...ask them well lets see that depends are you asking because you care about me or are you asking because your jealous that I am getting out of a bad relationship and want to be healthy and happy and your not.... sadly they will change the subject or walk away immediately,if thats the case then you know they are jealous because you are taking your life back......Hugs and Prayers being sent your way....YOUR DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU, and thats all that matters.

Thank you for your response AveFenix. Our stories are eerily very similiar. i did the same with sittig him down, he threatened me with not having my kids and house, etc., I had an emotional affair (not proud of it either), he found out, asked me to stop, I decided to put 100% into the marriage, he said he would too and he did for a little bit but then he just goes back to his old ways and is content with being miserable. I am so tired of this pattern and feeling like the only one invested in this marriage. I admire you courage and thank you for sharing. It makes me feel so not alone in this situation. Hopefully one day I have the courage to walk away too.

ReadLovePray,

It is NOT easy. That's why I get so upset when people ask me if I have done everything to save my marriage. I want to scream "ASK HIM!!" WHAT HAS HE DONE???!!!". I have many reasons to stay: financial stability, my kids having a family (as bad as it is), moral and religious beliefs. Yes, I could see the bright side and be happy with what I have and accept "such is life". Many women do. He is not physically abusive, yeah, he can say mean things but "sticks and stones..."
But again, ever since we got married I noticed what makes me happy, not coming from him, upsets him. I realized I haven't done the things I used to enjoy the most since I married him. I used to be a self sufficient person who loved to travel, going out, dancing, laughing, I used to love life. He didn't share any of this with me. I had to be happy in my golden cage at his style. I changed so much, became what he wanted me to be, dependent on him, unable to make decisions, weak, AFFRAID, sad, isolated...
That is not the biggest problem but the part where he is not happy either, he suffers severe depression and is not willing to do anything about it. He told me he is okay being unhappy. He also has anger management issues, and while NOT physically violent, his reactions are always over the top. My 9 yo son has started to react like that. WHAT? Is this how I am going to live for the next 40 or 50 years? Sounds like a life sentence in prison.
I started a long road of searching for the strength I needed to make a decision. I read books, I watch videos on Youtube (careful with this because lots of them just managed to confuse me even more), I talked to other people...Sitting down with him and asking for a divorce was the hardest day of my life. He got mad at me, accused, threatened, insulted. Didn't I just say I spent my life trying to make this man happy? I am emotionally not ready to see him upset at me for anything! I am used to put my head down and say "whatever you want". That was in April, and you know what? he has not done ONE thing since then to make me change my mind. He is still mad and hurt, he still accuses me and mops around, but he has not once said "here, I found the name of a therapist, lets go together" or "let's take a vacation together and rekindle this". AND when I started talking about how we would split our assets after divorce, we live in a common property state, he said no way I am getting half of everything, because it is HIS money, that HE made all this years. So I served no purpose here, to his eyes. That tells me how much he values me and, thank goodness, is helping me with my decision.

BUT, even if you decide you want to get out, talk to him, file for divorce and pack your bags, it is PERFECTLY valid to change your mind. It is PERFECTLY valid to regret and stay. It is a long internal process, pray for clarity, get professional help for yourself, and stay strong and focused. Wish you all the best.