Yes I understand that I'm going through same thing but eventually it should be for the best . I know it's hard. It will be ok.

You don't actually not see your girls for half they're lives, that's a really off and twisted way of looking at it. If you get a Court Divorce and he applies for 50/50 custody and gets it, then you work out a schedule of "so many days a week" with you and "so many days a week" with their dad. Some really progressive Judges now days, if the parents can't agree on a workable schedule, give the kids the house and the parents have to come and go on certain days of the week....that's quite popular up here on the East Coast.

The thing here is, whats best for your children. He didn't do anything to them, he hurt you. He still gets to be a dad to his kids and as long as he's not abusive, or an addict or jobless or has any other major vices, 50/50 Custody is pretty standard.

When you consider the fact that kids are in school most of the weekday, and parents are at work most of the weekday, you're only missing time with them from around 3:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m., that's a generous representation of waking hours that parents spend time with their kids on weekdays. And every other weekend....that's hardly half of their life.

You need to put your children's best interests ahead of your wants.

Not sure why you are thinking that i am not putting my kids first. We didnt see a judge or lawyer and i already drafted a custody agreement on my own exactly as you have laid out. But seeing them every other week is seeing them half their lives. I have made a very concerted effort to put my kids first. I work from home so i can be here when they leave and as soon as they come home from school. Considering they wake up at 6 and leave a 745 that is 1.75 hours a day in the morning and from 345-845 -900 pm that is another 5 hours and evening. I do all night time routines and read the 5 books a night my daughter wants, we play games, i do the piggy back rides and the airplanes due to my hisbands bad back. I make all the dinners and most breakfast. And every weekend i normally try to plan some activity to get them out and moving. My husband isnt a bad parent. The girls adore him. But he is used to working late and wandering home around 6-7 pm. He also is a bit of a couch potato when home alone with them. I think that would change if he wasnt relying on me for most of their entertainment though.

I never said i was fighting split custody! I was on here looking for support for how to deal with the seperation from them. Your response is exactly why support groups are not effective. You immediately try to bring me even further down rather than supporting and offering ideas.

It is by far the worst thing about divorce. I hate only being part of half my kids lives. Unfortunately there is just no way around it. What ever that oldercper is saying they don’t get it. It is beyond just seeing them. You don’t have a united front with them anymore. If they say something to your ex you may never know or hear about it. If they come home Hppy or sad not on your week you don’t get to be there. It turely sucks.

Personally I could never do “nesting” where you share house and parents move out. The house would never feel like a home. Transistion days are hard. Just make the most of free days. Dinner with friends. Get all your extra work done. It can make the time move faster.

It is by far the worst thing about divorce. I hate only being part of half my kids lives. Unfortunately there is just no way around it. What ever that oldercper is saying they don’t get it. It is beyond just seeing them. You don’t have a united front with them anymore. If they say something to your ex you may never know or hear about it. If they come home Hppy or sad not on your week you don’t get to be there. It turely sucks.

Personally I could never do “nesting” where you share house and parents move out. The house would never feel like a home. Transistion days are hard. Just make the most of free days. Dinner with friends. Get all your extra work done. It can make the time move faster.

My ex also hired a nanny so they are with a stranger instead of me. Try for something near shared. Like a 9/5 split 9days with you 5 with him or even a 8/6. It is close enough to shared.

My ex told me he wanted 50/50 (he actually shouted that he'd get full custody), but when the time came with the parenting mediator, he changed to saying he wanted every other weekend. That's a HUGE turnabout, and I had had zero conversations with him regarding custody, till the day of parenting mediation. It may be that your husband will realize that he can't be home for the kids when they get off the bus - he'll have to arrange (and pay for) daycare or a babysitter, that taking off all of those many school holidays could be an issue with his job, and exactly how much work kids are. You can't just up and go golfing if it's your weekend, you have to arrange for childcare. That puts a crimp in some people's lifestyles, don't know if your couch potato husband is like that. You almost really don't know till you're doing all of that work of child rearing (which he isn't currently) how much energy a parent expends on their kids. In the end in my case, my ex doesn't even do the every other weekends he asked for and received - and he's always considered himself the best dad in the world. Actions vs words.

In the end, the kids always know who is there for them when push comes to shove (it might be you, it might be you both), and they will always remember the fun little piggy back rides and snuggling in bed for story time. I think that stuff is more important than actual number of days at one house. I hope your husband can work with you to make a choice that truly considers what is best for the children. I know you feel that your heart is being ripped out. It's hard, it just is.

Really? I won't apologize for not being a cuddly, fluffy person. I'm direct and more to the point. I never said you were a bad mom. I never said you weren't thinking of what's best for your children. It's just facts and that's part of what Support Groups are here for and I've been a member of this one since 2008.

If you're drafting the Custody arrangement then your the one putting your kids away from you for a week at a time. Why would you do that? They could easily spend 3-4 days with you and 3-4 days with their dad, then it would not feel like they're gone so much. Honestly the way you describe their dad, odds are he may not want them for long periods during the week, if you've done everything for the kids all their lives and he's had to do nothing, that's not going to be an easy change to make.

I did the same thing with my ex. It is hard not seeing your kids at first on the days they are with their dad. But you will get used to it and you will find that you have some time to do things for yourself. If your stbx is a good dad then your kids will benefit from having him in their lives.

They absolutely will. They need him in their lives. I would never take that from them. I drafted the Sunday am to Sunday am transition as i figured neither of us would need to go the entire weekend and i also figured arranging child care and work schedules for a full week would be easier. I have never done it before so i guess i wouldnt really know.

We tried counseling twice. The counselor told my ex he needed to work individually on his communication issues before he could ever have a healthy relationship. He got the number of the recommended counselor but never called. He said he can handle it on his own now that he knows he has a communication problem. Unfortunately it is obvious he cant and i dont want the girls to think this is a normal relationship.

My state didn't require us to draft a custody agreement. (As a stay at home mother, and seeing as how he spent the last year in the bar, then he was moved out for over a week and the kids hadn't noticed...yeah, primary custody was a slam dunk for me.)

As long as you and your STBX get along, custody is endlessly modifiable. Generally by the time the kids get to be older teens...it depends more on their lives than anything else. (Between work, activities and homework...I don't have a 17 year old son, and my daughter's been getting harder to recognize too...)

Fact is that your husband may want 50/50 custody now. But after a few months of modifying his life so that he has to get the kids by 6, make dinner, get homework done, laundry and the rest...he may not want it so much anymore.

That doesn't have to make him a "bad" father...we've all got our strengths. He might also find out, that "child support" is the cheapest, easiest, and best child care that there is. Flat out...it's usually the deal of the Century.


As for picking days to exchange...I'd go with Friday directly after school. Then the non-kid parent will have the entire weekend free. (Pack and leave the kid's luggage someplace if you have to.) Since most 3 day weekends are on Monday...this also works out.

For the parent with the kids...you'll be able to set the bedtimes over the weekend, and manage activities/homework so that everything is done for Monday. (Can't blame the other parent for not warning them about a school project and the need for poster board, if you've had the whole weekend to know about it. Oh and just buy a dozen of the .67 mid sized poster boards. Then you've always got spares. Have on hand colored pencils/markers, brightly colored paper, and you're in business. $20 dollars in supplies lasts years. Hey, I can't be the only parent that was surprised Sun evening with a due by Monday poster!)

Best of luck, it IS hard, but you'll make it,
Patti

Oldercper Perhaps since 2008 is too long. You may not remember the pain of what happened 10 Years ago. We are here to listen, to understand, and support. Not to draw lines. Point fingers and be right. Each journey and soul is different. We are here for compassion. And losing any time with our children, whether it is best for them and worst for us, we have a right to express how that feels. To be heard and understood.

Hi there, I'm a little confused by the original post.

You say, "He wants split custody of the girls. I know it is for the best but..."

Are you saying here that 50/50 custody is for the best? From the way you describe your lives later in this thread, the way you work from home and do everything for them, it sounds like they'd be better off with you most of the time, and with your STBX every other weekend. I bet a judge would think so too, so I'm wondering why you are giving in to the 50/50 proposal so soon? Is the 50/50 arrangement the only option in your state? Do you know your options, since you say you didn't use a lawyer?

If it is upsetting you so much, I'd take a step back and think about whether you're giving in too easily.

re: itsecbosslady:

Has your (ex)husband voiced what his wants are as far as Cutody, any specific days?

And legally its always better to have Custody in writing, especially if you want to have a specific amount of time or the majority of time. Better to be safe than sorry and file all the paperwork at the same time.

My stbex has only stated he wants 50/50 custody. I am "giving in" so easily because they are his kids and he should be able to see them as often as he wants and they will let him. I have no intentions of dragging any of us through any legal battles. I would hope that we can work it out as divorced parents the same as before. If he needs to work and cannot get them then i will and i will watch them until he can. And if i am traveling or get stuck then i can call him. Maybe that is a dream scenario but i would at least like to try it out.

I am not bashing him at all. He is a good man., I love him with all my heart. We drifted apart and let all of the stuff that goes with life come between us. I wish he had come and talked with me before starting an online affair. But that is his baggage with his dad. If you confront the issue then the person leaves you in his mind. So easier to avoid and lie. Sad part is we were starting to work it out when he got caught. He has tried to change. He has said he wants to make it work and getting caught made him realize just how much he loves us. Problem is there were so many lies and hiding and concealing have almost become habit for him. I find myself doubting everything he says which leads to arguments and none of that is good for the girls.

But if i am no longer invested in making US work and we are both coming together for the kids i HOPE we can get along and the kids can get the best of both of us. I have seen other couples do this. I know it is rare to work out. I just pray we are able to keep our resolve.

Be careful what you sign up for. Once the divorce is final, he is free to get remarried. You have no control over who will be over at that house with your girls - step-brothers, half-brothers, etc. I have two friends whose daughters were molested by these other family members. Signing up for 50/50 custody means your kids have to be at that other house legally, no matter who their dad chooses to allow in there. This can happen to any of us, we have to let our kids go to the other house, but personally I am glad mine are with me most of the time, and so are they. They don't like their step-brother. If the ex wants extra time, he checks with me and I check with my kids.