It really is just like a death. My sister died a year ago, this past April. And now dealing with this, it is much the same thing.
But like my Brother In Law said, "it's the physical. my wife is gone, you have to deal with the living rejection every day"
Wise man he is.

@ reply 8 - I think you're right on your thoughts with some people here. Nothing new...but everyone is different and some people do "get over it". Certainly you will see some people who are a few years removed from the divorce and still "hiding here". But there are also people that have got over it and moved on. My point is what you see here is a small sample of people.

I think those that have truly come to terms with what has happened and accepted whether it be what they wanted or not can move on. And instead of thinking about what happened or what could have been see the positive in what has happened and tried to make the best of it.

Honestly for me all I see are positives. I hear a girl at work complaining about her husband being a slob and yelling at him to clean up after himself. I'm not a slob...but I don't have to hear her telling me what to do. I hear my friend stress about leaving work on time bc his wife is on his case bc he works late....I think....I don't have to worry about that. I go online and look at the bank account and I don't have to hold my breath to see what/how much she has spent. I don't have to go without because she got something for herself, etc. It's amazing at what you settle for in a marriage and apparently I settled big time. I've seen that now and it's helped me realized that I so deserve more and better.

Of course, friday...there are the positive stories such as your own, that can show people that it is indeed possible to get through this process and come out OK. But then again, you aren't here taking cheap shots at people and this whole process is still fresh in your life. There is no timeline for this stuff and I'm not disregarding the people that are here, providing support for others. I'm simply saying that sometimes...just sometimes, you can't get over it...

I'm still not over my ex-girlfriend. That relationship ended in 1987.

fridaydog, thanks for what you wrote. Your posts helped me feel better.

I do find this forum to be much better in terms of the "snark factor" than another one I checked out.

This is a much more mature place compared to that one, which seemed to have become a place where a few wise-asses & some snarky people dominated just about every thread with their endless contradictory & argumentative posts, too preoccupied with being clever to really be compassionate.

I guess that's one form of therapy when you're hurting or lonely, but i prefer the more compassionate kind myself right now. This process is hard enough as it is; none of us can afford any additional strife or grief.

So far, this place has helped me feel better & supported... so thank you.

Understood....I'm with you and you make a fair point.

You may not be over your ex-girlfriend from 1987....but you did move on did you not? You made that choice to move on. But I agree, certain things in life you may never get over. I'm still wondering if I'll get over her decision to end it. Who knows....I'm not going to sit around and think about it I guess. I've wasted enough time racking my brain trying to figure her out....it only made me more crazy.

yes sometimes you do get over in but sometimes you dont and thats just the way it is

I'm coming in late on this one and you all pretty much said what I was going to.

For the most part I think/feel like I'm "over it" but a trigger will get me here and there and have me wonder WTF. If I pay attention I will notice perhaps it had been a rough week. Makes one more susceptible to triggers.

I suppose this is something you won't know until the final days of your life.

I believe people "heal" at different paces. It takes work. People don't always know how to do that. They don't know where to get the proper guidance to work those steps each person needs to work. I believe the healing process can be much quicker than many of us experience. I do not believe we get over it. I feel we are forever changed. Hopefull that change is for the better. I think getting over something sounds more like healing a scratch. When I think of traumatic experiences I think about getting through them stronger than before but forever changed. I believe most can do that.

If you never get over it, what is left? If they are left to feel hopeless, why should they try?

@ reply 19 - Your welcome. I'm glad I can help make you feel a little better. Trust me I know how hard it is. Try and stay positive. I know when people would tell me that when I was in the thick of it I would get sick. But they were right.

@ reply 23 - I couldn't agree more. It's all about the work you put in. I think I've moved along relatively well considering. I know I'm NOT the same person that came her those early days. I've changed for sure because of all this...that is inevitable as well. But I agree its about the work you put into better yourself and reconcile through all this. It's different for people....but for me and it might help others get through it. I listened to the people here who have gone through it. I went to therapy, went to divorce support groups at one pont going to two different ones and was constantly talking to my friends. It was a second job for me to do everything I could to make me feel better in a healthy manner. It became a second job....some nights not getting home till 10 or 11 from therapy or support groups. It was exhausting....but I did it for me. And that's what people should focus on....themselves and doing things for themselves.

@ reply #23 & 24: I agree...

I can't imagine what I would do during this process if I weren't always looking for ways to help myself heal. I'm determined to find support & healing anywhere & everywhere I can find it, so i can move along the grieving process & not be stuck in it for longer than is necessary.

My goals/dreams/interests came to a screeching halt the day my husband announced he wanted a divorce. I feel like life is passing me by during all this trauma/drama and i *really* want to join it again soon...

Sometimes you do get over it or maybe I've learned to live with it.

Somehow, someway, by the grace of God, I'm getting over a tragic loss of the one little guy I loved the most in my whole life and he will live in my heart forever. He taught me how precious life is and how short it can be. His life was a short four months. I am making it through that, so I know I can get over anything else, in my life forever. Hell, what can be worse???? Nothing, absolutely NOthing!

Phishy, you are so right. Forever changed.

When I first saw this post this morning I thought to myself- that's not being very supportive.

But now after work I check back and the discussion is very interesting.

I was divorced 8 years ago and it took a few years to feel like myself again. Actually pretty good, met another woman, lost another woman. And BAM, it all came flooding back from both loses.

So whoever said it stays with you is probably right on. But my experience is that you can get over it, just beware of lifes triggers.

"getting over it" is a process

recovery is a process

growth is a process

I don't see this as a "place of misery". I see it as a place of people growing at different rates, in different directions, healing, and getting over it. For me, it took me 5 years to get over the abuse enough to let go and walk away finally. Then it took me a couple years to accept that the man I am still in love with, is an abuser, and a sociopath, and specialized therapy for the CPTSD. Since then it's shifting into just feeling like someone's ex, which I guess is feeling more normal, so that hopefully, one day, I'll not only feel normal rather than a "survivor", but I'll have the best possible chances of beginning a normal relationship again.

I suspect everyone is here with different mindsets, different obstacles to look at and deal with, their own timetables, their own ways of 'working through" their "stuff", and for some I guess that means finding new and healthier ways of dealing with things they didn't deal well with in their last relationships. For instance, how to deal with conflict, how to communicate clearly, how to stand up for themselves, how to make their needs clear, how to ask for support.

And that's where rubbing each other the wrong way can be a valuable opportunity for learning and growth.

What are you learning about yourself?

sorry if i said anything mean to anyone.
my counselor wants me to join a group that helps with socializing skills.

I really don't mean to hurt anyone. it was never my intention. i guess sometimes i'm just leery when i see others about to go on dates and it brings back my own pain. so this warning system goes off in my head and all of a sudden i find my self trying to be protective of who ever is posting about dating again. sometimes i may not say the nicest words, but it just came out all wrong.

i see my own pattern here. and i'm trying not to sound mean. i'm trying to be nicer. so i just ask please don't take it personally. i'm sorry if i hurt anyone. i guess i don't want to see anyone get hurt again.

That's the dream one may never get over, living it would make one more fast to get over the person. And that was nothing about those who just stuck on DS.