How about going to counseling together?

It's very difficult to fix a marriage when one person doesn't think there is a problem. If you are going to leave him, now would probably the best time as far as the kids go. I think I remember you saying your kids are still quite young. Once they get into school and begin to make friends and get involved in school and community activities, it's much harder on them.

When we had our first child, we had an agreement that I would stay home and take care of her and he'd be the breadwinner. Well, I got to stay home with her, but he made it some of the most miserable years of my life with all the guilt he heaped on me and the anger he took out on me. It's very hard when you think you're getting apples and then you end up with snow peas, something totally different than what you were lead to believe you were getting. I can't blame you for feeling duped. That's how I felt too.

It takes both of you realizing there is a problem and wanting to fix the marriage.
I wish, for your happiness, you would work on yourself and you will find happiness comes from within ourselves. Looking for someone to take care of us, or make us happy, rarely works.
You are young, if you are not happy, it can't help but rub off on your kids. I would try and build a new life with making my kids a priority and making them and myself happy and put looking for another husband on the back burner for awhile.
I wish you the best of luck!!!!

Thank you everyone. Aronia I am going to try to get him to go to counseling. He thinks because his Masters is in Psychology he knows better than anyone so I don't know if he'll go but I will try.

Samantha yes my son is 3 and daughter is 8 months they are still young as am I. I never wanted my marriage to fail but if he's unwilling to try it can't continue to carry the load alone..

Gem I don't plan on finding someone else not until my kids and I are all ready for that. I want to try and make it work with my husband before I do anything rash. My son can sense my unhappiness and I can't take that for too much longer..

Thank you all again.

Well, most intelligent men respond well to logic and not emotion.
You can tell him that while you trust his education and experience, his knowledge of psychology alone will not help mediate the conversation between you two, this is why psychologists do not counsel themselves and this why surgeons do not operate on themselves - it is unethical, inappropriate and biased.
You can also say that because of his massive amount of skill at psychoanalysis you can't really tell if he is acting in your best interest OR attemtoting to overtake you. Psychoanalysis is like putty, that can be used to sculpt whatever it is you want to make and that you don't want a psychoanalyst, that you want a MAN, a husband and a lover in your bed, so let's stop the psychobabble and be equal and let the independent professional guide your problem resolution.

You can also tell him that you agree that you MAY be wrong and have a role in the demise of your marriage , but you want another professional to confirm it.

When you say " he just gets upset and leaves the room" - that sets off sirens and red flashing lights in my head. Does he have a general inability to handle conflict in general?

Im just following along and wanted to welcome you to the group because I really don't have any advice or anything I could add to those who have responded. I haven't really been in your situation, and I find myself focusing on you, then what you are stating he is doing. Meaning, I think if you could feel like you could stand on your own two feet, you wouldn't be with someone who you even feel is so smart, he knows better then you know your own self.

Welcome to the group

I don't think you're a "self entitled b*" at all. I can totally understand your frustration, and I think you are smart, and also brave to be considering divorce and a life on your own.

Have you gone for a free consultation with an attorney yet? If not, I recommend doing that and getting an idea of what part of the debts would be yours and which would be his. If you don't have a good handle on where all the money is and what all is owed, I would get started with understanding all that. I'm not sure how it works with student loan debt. Maybe you would not be on the hook since you are not benefiting from his degree (since he's not using it). Do not tell your husband that you are looking into the finances or speaking with an attorney.

One more question came to my mind as I was replying to this. Were you there to watch him walk in his graduation ceremony, and are you 100% sure he really got that degree? Could that be the reason he won't look for a job?

Its odd to me that he doesnt want that better job. Of course working on it is best but if he doesnt see an issue there may not be much progress. Its by far easier when they are younger. We tried too long had it just ended earlier my kids would of been saved this brutal breakup. Also older isnt alwaya more mature i learned that fairly young the hard way. I hope things work out.

My first Exh had a masters' degree and was bagging groceries at the local supermarket once a week until he decided to go to law school.
But at the same time, they have a kid(s). It is kind of hard to look for work when you are taking care of a child during the day.

Jojo red - yes he has trouble sticking around during confrontations. Which I find humurous considering his degree in Psychology.

Chitown Bear- thank you for welcoming me :)

11Christmas - no I haven't been to a lawyer yet, sort of out of fear, fear of being on my own. I have a good job u could easily get 40 hours a week so 8m not worried about money but I'm worried about missing time with my kids, they are used to me being there m-frIday so that part is the hardest for me and mainly why I haven't left him yet... there are more problems in our relationship then just financial, I just feel he has no ambition in life and I'm afraid for my kids to turn out like that. Yes to answer your question I did see him graduate and his diploma is on our wall.

Serenity's - I know it's better to leave when the kids are young, I'm struggling with the fighter in me meaning I rarely ever give up on stuff. I think for now I'm going to try counseling and see where that leads. Thank you I hope it works out for my kids and me also. I really want to try I hope he does too.

AroNia- he doesn't take care of the kids throughout the week I do, he might help if I need him to but it's mostly me so he has time after work to look for jobs.

OK, I see that you know he did actually get the degree.

No matter what you decide with regard to counseling, I still urge you to discreetly shop around for an attorney, get a free consultation, and learn what you can about the laws in your state, and what the situation would be with regard to his debt. Knowledge is power. There are advantages to being the spouse who files first. It's better to be prepared, even if you don't decide to divorce.

Your story is so intriguing. Do his co-workers at his job know he has a Master's degree? I wonder if it's embarrassing to him to be so highly educated, and working in a job that requires no education, or if he enjoys being superior to those around him. I would be totally frustrated in your position, too.

Here's my 2 cents. You sound like a much younger version of me. Your childhood sounds way more chaotic than mine, but nonetheless, I'm seeing that you were forced to fend for yourself as a child, and because you are a strong person, you did. And did so successfully. You're a caregiver to others. Is it that you take care of everyone (especially the non deserving husband) as a kind of substitute for the care you never received? You want to be appreciated, accepted and loved for the care that you give. You want some good stuff coming back your way - and that is perfectly normal. I hear that some relationships do work this way!

Somehow, subconsciously, you've picked men, three so far, who've lead you to feel used. You seem willing to try and try to fix the relationship, and your perseverance, although commendable in just about every other aspect of life, is detrimental to you here. These guys are emotional leeches.

He's shown that he will not give back. You're mommy. He's the immature child who does what he wants when he wants. You try to get him to step up and be responsible, and he ends the conversation by leaving the room. He is passive-aggressive. Read up on it. He can't handle conflict, either from you, a future employer, and most importantly, the conflict from within himself. He, on an intellectual level, should be able to see that he is, but likely his own defenses are so strong that he'll never see it. What happened to him to stunt his development? It was something, for sure.

I would suggest that you get yourself into counseling. Our marriage counselor suggested that my stbx might need individual counseling for his passive aggressive ways. She said this to the both of us, but he didn't hear it. Or chooses not to remember it. I already knew that he was passive aggressive, but it was wonderful to hear a professional suggest that I was right. Knowing this, seeing his patterns for the last 32 years, seeing that he will not recognize reality and refuses to accept any responsibility, has lead me to divorce him.

I deserve more. So do you. You're young, you're strong, you can do it. And btw, I also am lead to feel by my stbx that I am an entitled b*tch. No one else on this earth would ever suggest that about me, just him. So ignore your husband. Figure out how to heal yourself so that you may disentangle yourself from this man and not find the same kind of guy, down the road.

If you don't feel love for him, it's not fair to him for you to stay in the marriage. Love is hard to fake (I learned that from watching people try unsuccessfully to fake it towards me). It also won't model a healthy relationship for your kids. Constantly being around my parents' toxic relationship growing up was way worse for me than it would have been if they had gotten a divorce and lived separately.