i dont suppose theres any pain free way. certainly laying blame on the dumped party doesn't ease much of anything, in the short term. but then neither does, hearing its not you its me

leaving things open ended will leave them in hopeful limbo... i.e.. i have to find myself, or i need some time to find me...

the best you may be able to do is be decisive, calm and respectful... but end with words of personal encouragement for their own future apart from you

I tried to leave peacefully. I offered to pay off the house, give her her car and my truck. I offered x amount each month for child support and we would split the marital debts 50/50. She said, "I'll get a hell of a lot more than that". A year later, she paid off the house, she got less than I offered her in child support and we split the marital debts, 50/50. Her hostility towards me never ended till she died of cancer in 2013, so try to stay civil, if possible and don't let tempers rise. It never helps.

Thank you guys for your input. I feel we are far past the blame game in this or at least I am. I want nothing more than for him to be happy too. He is not a bad guy but that being said we are toxic for each other. He pushes buttons to get me to yell and then criticizes me for yelling(something I can say I have worked through with a counselor and now no matter how much he pushes I rarely yell). He accepts no responsibility for things he says or does wrong and his reasoning is because he said "i feel like you do..." that it makes it ok to say whatever it is he wants to. He has been unemployed all but 5 months since beginning of 2016 and does not do anything in the house(until we have fought about it and then he will do those things for less than a week) and then makes the kids do all of the chores. Meanwhile I have worked 2 jobs all but 6 months and then have to come home and cook and clean. Sorry for the rant, these are just a few ongoing issues.

I do not want to sugar coat things for him. My fear is no matter what I say that he is going to still hold on to hope. I feel everything possible has been done to fix our relationship to no avail.

OLDBIKER I am sorry that is how it went with your ex, I can say for sure that the only thing I want from him is the child support he will be required to pay based on Canadian guidelines, which right now will be 0 since hes unemplpyed. I will take 2/3 of the debt just to not have to worry about the legalities of it

Mine could have said, "I am sorry" yet he didn't. He left me for another woman and while leaving said, "I won't apologize because noone is to blame for what has happened."

saying sorry is very powerful. that certainly helps, perhaps not at that moment, but certainly upon reflection

Be honest, but kind. Be sensitive. Things ended mutually with a lot of love and respect on my side but it still created this unimaginable pain for both of us. We knew it was time to split but it was mainly because of his depression/issues. The worst thing we/he did was to leave it open to potentially a reconciliation. I spent months in limbo, knowing we shouldn't be together now but hopeful for the future. He didn't necessarily feel that way, but wasn't sure and felt it was easier to keep the door open for both of us.
In retrospect I wish he was just more forthright. He was afraid of hurting me more and of potentially losing me forever. It made the acceptance and moving on piece delayed by 4 months (thank god not longer!). Made it more painful in the long run.

So be honest. If you feel you need to close this chapter and really move on, state that. Don't leave it open to potentially get back together. It's harder but it's the right thing to do and it will help both of you, but more importantly him, grieve and move on quicker.

Best of luck.
-TM

Thank you tejema. We separated last year and I was not very clear on what I wanted or needed. So I let him back with all the promises of change. The reality is I never changed because I was so concerned about him that I didnt take care of me.

I will definitely say sorry too. It is a powerful word

It sounds like he is passive aggressive. No matter what you say today, he will put it back on you. He will never see his role in this. Good luck and take care.

He is definitely passive aggressive. Thank you all for your responses and kind words. Now to go do it....

i'd have preferred honesty

real honesty, like "i'm fucking our daughter's high school band leader" so at least we could have understand the shitstorm

be an adult, own your shit, you can lightly hand their shit on them, and leave

I wish my ex would have explained how screwed up she's always been and all that made her stray...would have really helped to hear that it wasn't really my fault although my doing the right things probably magnified her guilt and anger-justifying in her head even more to leave. Then again that's exactly what the cheater would never do-haha....anyway, good thought-provoking question! What made things worse? When I asked her to work together with me so we could fix things and just get on with our marriage...that she could barely choke out the word "no" as if that's the most unthinkable thing to ask...made me feel like I didn't exist.
It's been over a year and I've learned to find myself and build upon it. I'm happy again. Still on the journey but knowing how messed up she was/is takes a lot of the guilt off my shoulders. I felt like our marriage was perfect but sometimes life has other plans. I'm getting there though the wait is discouraging. I'm almost 50 and one thing I've learned is that time does indeed heal.

He said as little as possible. Did not elaborate. And he was utterly steadfast that there was no changing his mind.

As mind blowing and painful as that was, it helped me move forward better.... faster. If he had wavered. If he had held out the possibility of reconciliation, I would have put all my energy into that. We could have spend years in a hellosh existence with neither of us moving forward.

If you are going to do it, do it. Be clear. Be civil. Be unequivocal. Give him space, do not invade it. He is not your friend. He will never be your friend. Trying will be a cruelty, not a kindness.