Stepping back is tough but as my marriage counselor tells me, the ying and yang of the relationship requires it. If you're pressing the issue constantly, she will back off. If you sit back and bit and let her come to you, that could work. It's all timing about "planting seeds" for her to process. Ugh.

If I wait for my partner to talk about the stuff that matters to me, it won't happen in this lifetime. Still. . . Bringing it up before he is ready to talk only makes him angry. Oh, for the love of balance. . .

Wish I had easy answers for both of us, Kornboy. Easiest answer I've found so far is to take it one guess at a time.

The thing is, and if you read my first post, she left me for another man two months ago. Twice she said she wanted to come back and twice she went back on her word saying she is afraid. I have been waiting for a while for her to talk about us, but she is still with the other man. At which point, I have waited 2-3 months for her to make a decision and now I don't feel afraid anymore about what happens to us. She has not made any effort to want to try to work on our marriage or to find out what she really wants by moving away from the other guy and stay with family. I feel like she made her decision and I already made up mine. I am going to file for divorce because I want this chapter of my life to close. I need to move forward. Every day she is with him, the less trust I feel for her.

I do not know your wife, so what I am about to suggest may be completely wrong. The feeling I get is that she keeps reaching out to you to make sure she means something to you. If you respond, she gets something from it... confirmation you still care. Just like making you drive to her those times. She still "wasn't ready," but she was taking the temperature of your emotions and commitment. If what I'm saying is true, then if you don't respond, it is likely she will ramp up the attempt to get the confirmation she so needs. This may give the illusion of a true desire to make changes in herself, when it is only an attempt to break through the walls you put up.

Like I said, that may all be way off base, but it is what I felt ready your recent posts. Be strong.

Believe me. There has been many times that she knows that I still care. But we will never work towards reconciliation while she is still living with him. We will never get to work on our marriage if she is still with him. She knows that I love her and that I want her back. But what am I really to her if she is with him? What is he to her if she has feelings for me? I understand she is not ready and she is confused. But she knows what she needs to do in order to figure out what she needs. If she can't let go of either of us or both of us, then I will have to let her go, because I don't want her to hold on to me if she is still holding on to him. I want to end this chapter in my life. I can't be at peace knowing she is still with him and is not putting any effort. Like I said, for two months she told me she wants to come home. If someone really loves that person and is willing to do anything to save the marriage, then nothing should stop that person from doing it. The only person that is stopping my wife is herself. She needs to figure out what she wants because even after the divorce is finalized, she may still not know what she wants. And I have to move forward from this.

I understand completely sometimes though we just miss talking to u, my husband left me and I missed talking to him so I would text just to talk yes I would have loved to discuss our relationship but I figured as long as he was talking to me, it was better but it's hard, my husband just told me he's not in love with me and he thinks he loves the woman from work he was having a affair with. We have 2 kids and was together 20 yesrs. He started cheating a year ago and it was sexting and pics then he fell for a woman left me for her then come crawling back then started seeing a girl he went to hs with I confronted them and it ended and now he in April started with a coworker then said he made a mistake wanted me then all of the sudden says he's not in love with me.... not sure what's going on

I understand completely that my wife miss talking to me, but sometimes one has to see the bigger picture in all this. I love her still until the day I die. But I also see this damaging to the both of us if we continue this path.

if she is with another man, why would you want to with her?

Because I believe in second chances. And as crazy as it sounds, I still love her.

I cant seem to get the small talk part either. My ex has been doing that until i changed my number. I do think they reach out because they still care but i also think they reach out to see if we still do and if we will still be there. Also in some way they are getting their needs met....they still feel they have a connection or option...or the new one they are with simply isnt us. I also believe in second chances but i also think work should be done on both parts not just one. I apologize if this wasnt the most positive response and wish you peace in whatever comes your way

I absolutely agree with you. I have been told many times marriage takes two to work on. I do believe they reach out out of curiosity. But at the same time, and possibly of them not knowing, it can be manipulating to us thinking they want to get back.