DON'T PEE IN THE FLOWER BEDS

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge cl ipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the bushes, I say '$20 or off it comes!' "

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."

Little KENNY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does any body have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

KENNY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little KENNY , that's a mouthful."

Little KENNY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little KENNY .

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

How's that? You entertained yet?

lmfao

Beautiful... Just Fu@king Beautiful...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n18Xe6wM7AY&feature=related

I was married once before, and I stopped.

You ever have a day where you're forced to be around someone you just don't like? You start to realize that they don't like you either, and suddenly you say to yourself, 'Why did I marry this person?'

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJH_xw4KUyE

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

This guy gets on the city bus. He spots a nun. And starts checking her out, his thoughts are that she's pretty hot. The nun gets off the bus. He says to the bus driver. "Man, that nun is hot, I'd like to get me some of that." The bus driver says," I know what you mean. You know every night she goes to the church courtyard to pray. I bet if you go there dressed up as God, she'll do whatever you want." So later that night the man, dressed up as God goes to the courtyard and finds the nun praying. He says, " I am God child, and you will do whatever I ask." The nun replies "Yes father." The man convinces the nun to let him do it doggy style and as he's climaxing he yells out, "Ha! I'm not God.", She yells out "Ha! I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver."

A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.

The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"

"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."

The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."

"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"

"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."