I Googled heartbreak support in desperation and now I'm here.

My boyfriend left me about 5 weeks ago, with no explanation why. Was very sudden and came from nowhere, we'd literally just been discussing what we might do over the weekend and having a laugh and then he just came out with it.

As I also suffer from PMDD, PTSD and I was recovering from two major operations, I just broke down. I already felt like I was just existing, he made life worthwhile for me and gave me a reason to smile. He always used to tell me he loved my surgery scars because it meant it made me even more unique and special.

To quote MCU's Wanda Maximoff "I don't know how I did it, I only remember feeling completely alone. Empty. Endless nothingness" - I took an overdose. I don't know why that was my reaction. I went to hospital, was spoken to like crap by the doctors and the crisis team and then sent home. The only people who were kind to me were the police and paramedics, they listened to me explain it along with my PMDD and ptsd and one of the officers just offered to hold my hand and hug me because she knew she couldn't SAY anything to make me feel better. 

The following morning, I took another overdose, but more. I don't really remember doing it. This time, a different pair of paramedics came and they were so nasty to me. Said that it was pointless and that I'd learn my lesson once the vomiting starts. The doctor in hospital even said "well you didn't take enough so, if you really want to die you'll have to do better".

I just cried the entire time I was there. The crisis team referred me to home treatment team so someone came to my house everyday to check on me and ensure that someone else was in control of my meds, which was my mum as she was able to have some time off work to keep me safe.

They then suggested a crisis group meeting and I've nearly finished my 6 weeks there. I've got nothing out of it because I pay privately for therapy elsewhere and even the therapists at the group say its not designed for someone with such complex needs like me. I've been going purely to make a point to my dad, and whilst I feel no different, many of the other patients have said my experiences in life and therapy have really helped. And I'm really glad I can do that for someone but... Here's the problem... What about ME.

I am still having suicidal thoughts, I'm still torn up inside that I even let myself love again. I had previously not dated or even slept with anyone for 6 years due to an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship. Then I met him and he earned my trust, he supported me after my operations, everyone around me used to tell me how they could tell how much he loved me from the look in his eyes.

I feel shock, pain, that all over cold flush, I hate myself, I don't feel better and I've been putting my all into the group and my private therapy.

Everyone expects you to bounce back when you have ptsd, like oh you've been through worse you'll be fine. But I'm not bouncing back. I don't know what else I can do.

It's okay if no one replies to this, I just needed to say it all. Thank you for reading.