Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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New here, final decision of divorce is very real

Peonypower
Peonypower

Hi everyone, I'm new here (and to forums in general tbh!) 


Yesterday I saw my soon-to-be ex husband and we spoke about the process of divorce and finances. He left, I had a bath and cried my eyes out. It all feels very real - I keep thinking "this is the first night truely single", "this is the first day". I think I'm tormenting myself. 


It's been 5 months on and off, since the day he came home and told me things were not working and he didnt see a future with me. I saw he was hurting, confused and for me it was a pretty bad shock. I felt we'd been in a rut for some months due to his new job and stresses but did not think it was so bad. He said some rough things, attacked my personality and even blamed me for his unhappiness in his job and his decisions to be with me, but for me it was not over until he said those words "I am not in love with you anymore and I don't want to be with you". 


Over this time, he's spent more time away from me than with me - even during COVID, he stayed with friends and stayed in an empty flat for a while. We kept in touch, and spent some time together which was really lovely so I held hope that he needed time and he would want to work on our marriage. Last week, he told me he wanted to come back, had these visions and dreams of us working. He said all the right things - we needed to heal, work together, be happy, get counselling. I let him come back but told him I could not fully trust him yet. In 3 days (during which we laughed, hugged, had sex etc), he had flipped and decided he could not see a future. It's final now for, me, I see no future with someone who can treat me that way. 


The problem is that he says he needs to be himself, time alone etc. But I am really worried if he will try to come back, once he has "found himself". I'm also trying hard to stop myself have a small voice in my head that says it's not over, we will be in love again. On the face of it, I do not want that, I want to move on, but we have been together for 15 years (married for 5), since I was 18, I guess a part of me really truly can't believe it's over? I hope I can be strong. We have no children so there are no ties, except the mortage. I guess that can be called a clean break. 


We have always talked about being soul mates, and our love was quite an intense one - it was us against the world. But I realised I don't need someone so insecure in love (he has been on the fence of breking up with me twice over the 15 years), he has not grown or developed as a person/adult and that has been so tough for me (owning a house having all the responsibility), and he has not put me before himself for a long time. I deeply love him still but I don't want to be, I want more than what I had ended up being so tolerant about, hoping he would choose me eventually. I realise that I probably cared/loved more deeply than he did, and he just took and took and took. In the end, when I stopped giving so much so I could focus on me in the past year, he said I wasnt giving enough! I have given my all, and felt exhausted by it. 


I'm just trying to make sense of it all, but am so bewildered and heartbroken, almost numb









GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
Hi and welcome to the site! So many nice and supportive people on here.

Thanks for sharing your story. It does sound like a sweet, "first love" kind of story. You got together so young! I can certainly see why this is affecting you this way. That is completely normal. You were with this man for more than half your life. It's okay to be sad, hurt, angry, any feeling you have right now is fine.

That being said, you are still so young, only 32 years old. (I didn't even START looking for my forever guy until I was 29 years old! I had all kinds of fun in my 20s). Still plenty of time for you to meet someone else eventually, plenty of time to have children (if that's what you wish). Now is the time to think about YOU and JUST YOU. What is it that you want from your life?

YOU have changed a lot since you were a teenager and first meeting him. You both grew up and grew apart, which is common with teenage relationships. Take this time to now think about what kind of life do you want to have. What makes you happy, what makes you excited about living, what are things you have always wanted to do??

Yes, it's going to be a rough time for awhile. But, you will soon get used to your new life, and all the exciting and happy possibilities that await you! I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.
11Christmases
11Christmases
Hello there, I agree with what GirlInCalif said. I went through a very painful, traumatic divorce myself a few years ago, with kids, probably the most stressful time of my life so far. I, too, met my ex in my teens and he was the first LTR I experienced. Your fear of change is understandable. I think the sooner you take charge, the better you will feel. Although you still love him in some ways, it sounds like he is very draining on you, emotionally and perhaps financially. I think you will feel some relief when he is gone. It will be hard, getting used to being on your own, but when you can take all that energy you have been expending on him, and direct it toward your own life and goals, it will feel amazing. When I look back on the year I went through my divorce, I am in awe of myself, and all the new things I did. I still don't know how I managed to stay with him so long, or how I managed to leave after staying so long. You can do it! Don't worry about whether he tries to come back. You don't have to let him. Get your attorney lined up ASAP and get the ball rolling. Also, since you met him so young and have been dealing with his blame for so long, it might be a good idea to have a couple of sessions with a therapist and get that outside perspective. You may have been conditioned to have some negative beliefs about yourself, and some therapy can help with that.
Peonypower
Peonypower
Thank you GirlInCalif and 11Christmases. Your replies give me strength and some positivity today. YES, I do need to figure out what I want! My passion is my work with animals but I also want more than that outside of work. There is a little excitement within me now to figure myself out and do what I enjoy. Thank you so much!

Even now, I can look back and wonder why I put up with some of the things I did, I guess it was just that intense bond that made me overlook or ignore some of the cracks and the way I was treated sometimes. I still don't think he is a bad person but much more narcissistic than me, I gave too much, he took too much and it was never enough. I definitely feel a little negative about myself although I also feel quite strong that I know who I am and I have grown as a person/adult and I'm quite happy with myself in many ways - but yes I have a therapist and she has been helping with some of those low-esteem feelings that come from being unwanted and unloved.
I have a lot of love to give and I think first of all, I need to learn to give it to myself. Wow, I didn't even think of the energy I now have to spend on myself. That's good because I do feel exhausted.

I wanted to save money in this as he is financially better than me so I am thinking about doing the divorce ourselves, I just want 50% of the house which he has agreed despite him paying more towards it so I think that's fair. We don't have kids so I don't care for anything else and want to cut it short/painless as possible. Do you think I should still talk to a solicitor now? I don't know if I need to if I can sort out arrangements myself

Thanks again, you guys have really lifted me up, and I thought that wouldn't be possible today!
Much love
11Christmases
11Christmases
I have a friend who used an attorney, just to look over the paperwork that she and her husband filled out themselves. I think it would be worth getting someone to do a minimal check and make sure you are being treated fairly. They might even have a flat fee for that purpose.

Do you feel comfortable that you understand all the household finances, and that he has not been hiding any secret savings or substantial debts from you? I think there are advantages to doing it yourself, if you know about all the accounts, there are no kids, and your STBX is not going to contest the divorce.
Peonypower
Peonypower
Ok thank you for the advice x
charliegirl815
charliegirl815
So sorry you're going through this. People can fall out of love and back in love. That's what happened to me. It sounds like you both still have deep feelings for each other and that speaks for itself. Marriages have seasons and being there to support each other is important. Either way, working with your therapist will help you work through the difficulties in your marriage and learning from them, so if you divorce, you won't be taking the emotional baggage of your past into your future relationships.
ElizaSc
ElizaSc
Great words of wisdom here. Know that you are not alone. I'm going through this process too. Reach out if you need someone to listen.
Peonypower
Peonypower
charliegirl815 - thank you for your comment, I agree with you but there is so much hurtful behaviour now I don't think I should allow the prospect of us falling back in love. I certainly wouldnt be happy if my friend was in this situation. I am going to therapy which is helpful to learn what I want to work on, what I need to leave behind and how to deal with stress. It's still hard, day to day. I find getting out of bed the hardest!!

ElizaSc - so sorry to hear you are in the same situation, and same to you - I'm here for you too!
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