I am pretty sure that is what everyone of us on here desired.

But almost 100 percent of the time it is not what our spouses want and we are ultimately left to grieve

and find advice ,guidance, love and support from other going through the same

I know many here, including me, wanted to save our marriages. However, our spouses did not, and ultimately I was hurt more by trying and falsely hoping for a year. I don't mean to discourage you and I wish you luck, but your screen name causes concern.

No one can "make someone else happy," nor should this be required by someone. We are ultimately responsible for our own happiness. Feeling responsible for someone else's happiness is a tremendous burden and a recipe for failure.

Take good care of yourself as this unfolds. Identify your needs, and while still being a good partner, don't get completely lost in trying to meet hers - which may be impossible and frustrating as they change without notice. A few of us fell into that trap. It is hard to rebuild your self-esteem and find yourself again afterward.

Best wishes.

I want my marriage to work as well. But I am realizing that it is out of my control. I have to just focus on me. I have to quit trying to rebuild the connection that I lost with my husband. He said he misses me and wants to spend time with me, then he says that his intention is to move back home he just needs time to work on some things. Then last night he told me he just wants to be single for a while. I feel like I just got on the worst roller coaster ride ever and it won't let me off. Today, apparently i am bringing drama to his life that he doesn't need. I just feel like locking myself into a room and crying. But I can't because I have the kids. I want to tell our children that daddy is not coming home and take back control. I am just too weak. I need to get past this emotional crap and focus on myself and my kids. Maybe then he will realize what he is missing out on with his family. I am so angry and sad all at the same time.

Broken, Just want to say so sorry for your hurt and frustration. Takes me back many years ago as a child I was trying to figure out why my mommy was so sad about Daddy.... Well, enough of those feelings for me. Hang in there with those kids. They need the level ground not the roller coaster your H is irresponsibly putting you on.

I do not know the circumstances of you marriage but, myself, I found that you can not make someone love you, Your user name says you can't make her happy enough. Making someone happy all the time, is a hard thing to accomplish. True love overlooks the short comings of others, it forgives, it is patient, as the Scripture says in 1 Cor. 13.

We all have shortcomings and weaknesses because we are mortals. We all make mistakes in life. I have found that it's what that is inside a person that generates love and affection. External actions of love are great but, it's the inner part of a person that generates love for each other. Happiness is a two way street. You can do your best to promote happiness for your spouse but, your spouse has to also generate happiness as well. This is why the Scripture says that in marriage "the two become one flesh". Each one has to learn to be submissive to each other, together. We can't always get "our way" all the time.

It sounds to me that your wife may have some issues that she needs to work on as well. Marriage is tough and it's a "give and take" relationship. When it's all "give or/and all "take" relationship, the marriage suffers and in many causes, it ends in divorce. Perhaps you and your wife should seek counseling and see if you can work on the issues that have caused this void in your marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you for the advice and I am so very sorry I don't see any hope in your words. I know most of the problems lies with my wife, but as you all say, I cannot control that. I am focusing on the things I could do better, which gives me plenty to work on. It is a horrible roller coaster, Broken. My wife asks for massages every night and tries to be kind. Other times I hear contempt that I am smothering her even when keeping myself busy away from her. A night of her vulnerability and making love was a glimpse of heaven followed by her withdrawing again. I am hiding my grief from the kids but having to ask for their cooperation and patience with me as I'm having a tough day.

I know in her somewhere she loves me. If something took me away she would feel deep loss or jealousy. I know she takes me for granted and she may even feel some guilt that she does.

I need someone to say to stay strong and focused, that there is hope. I need someone to understand the waves of pain, hopelessness, and exhaustion. I wish that someone were her but I know it would only drive her away faster, so I soldier on. Any advice that fits my purpose would be great about now. Thanks everyone.

i understand. as others have said, what you are expressing now is what i once desired. i think most people go through that, whether the marriage is renewed or ended.

2 things i would say are, regardless of whether or not your marriage is "saved," the most important thing you can do is just as you stated:
"I want to use the time to examine myself and make an effort to better myself." that's the best thing you can do. regardless.

also, i would try some individual counseling. it can help you express and work through much of what you are feeling. again, this will be good for you regardless.

all i can say is, marriage is hard and it takes effort. be gentle with yourself. when you feel hopeless, try distraction with something fun or productive, rather than wallowing in the bad feeling. easier said than done i know, but i say it b/c i have felt the waves you mention, and this is how i dealt with them, both when i was trying to rebuild and after it was over. everyone goes through the grief stage when their relationship faces a struggle. the feelings will come and go. reach out to people here, they really do understand even if they aren't in your stage. none of our situations are exactly the same, but we all face much of the same emotion and struggle.

i'd say too, use the journal feature on here too. just get it all out. you can make it private, just for you to vent, or you can let others read it and respond to you. helps me a lot. big hugs and lots of support to you.

I apologize for ranting. It has just been a difficult few days. To have a glimmer of hope and then for that to be taken away was hard. I think I have come to somewhat of an understanding. I am going to take back control of my life. Become the interesting, beautiful, and inspired person I once was. Focus on loving myself and my kids because they are the ones who need it. If that won't save my marriage, I do not know what will. We kind of have to let our spouses go do what it is they need to do without us being there. If only one party is interested in saving a marriage, it will never be saved. But what I do feel is that taking care of myself is the only thing that I can do. So I am going to try my hardest to take back the control. I think that those of us in this similar situation should do the same. Create some distance and space. Take back the control.

Many on here do start with the seperation with that same hope. Till very recently we were working on us altho seperated and living apart. I am sure seperation helps many, not all though and certainly not me. It created an extra barrier for us. I am tired can't do this with him anymore. I tried to do best to work hard to be together. We have kids too. It didn't work for us:( but this is divorce separation group so yes a good number are no longer together and dealing all that comes with that.

I really appreciate the supportive words. I do need to focus on myself and my children. I find. Myself indecisive on what that may be sometimes. My wife has stated her intentions are not to move out until middle to end of March, but she already has the apartment. When I get home from work every day, I help our two youngest children (2 oldest are in college) with homework, fix dinner, clean up, and get lunches ready for the next day. My wife generally asks me for a couple things such as bringing her something to drink or such. Lately, she has really enjoyed getting a full body massage to relax her before bed. I have always been they type to constantly work hard for those I love and I get satisfaction from being kind. I will say the massages are torchure for me because touching her all over makes me ache for her and by the end of it I am hiding the tears. I have been successful so far. This is the person I want to be, but I know that most reading these words will think I am weak or amplifying feelings of contempt in her. So should I because distant? Should I deny my instincts to provide service? Is kindness actually counterproductive? I suspect those who went through the effort only to still end up in divorce will advise harshness or at the least stubborn self preservation. But would that help encourage feelings of love from her? All I would expect is both of us wouldn't like me much.

Sorry for the novel. I'm so lost and confused.

I'm so sorry for your pain and struggles . I know what you're saying. May I suggest that you look up codependency on the web? Also, if you find yourself identifying with that, please consider getting the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie...
Giving her regular full body massages even though she has informed you she is moving out, concerns me.
I've been there earlier in my marriage where I would do anything to not rock the boat or to keep our relationship intact.
Thing is, it all ended up being one sided. I felt like not only were my needs not being met. They and I , became very low on the list. While I became a chameleon to meet his needs and those around me. I out my needs at the very bottom.
I have read a lot of helpful things, thankfully...
* We teach people how to treat us.
* If someone is showing you who they really are, believe them.etc,etc...
Do you give yourself much respect? How would you act in situations if you had respect for yourself, you wants and needs? They are important to.
There is too much for me to share on here. But I hope this may be of some help...
I never wanted my divorce. Married 25 yrs. Separated 3. He moved out and cheated while "trying" to string me along.
Our divorce should be over in a few months possibly.
Have you suspected her seeing someone? That may not be an issue at all.
Good luck to you...I feel you r pain,but I can say I am getting way better and looking forward to a new life! One that includes me being treated with the same value as the other person!
Hugs!

If you read my posts 'Drove my husband away', you will find that we are in similar situations at least as far as our feelings are concerned. I am right there with you, still wanting, still hoping to somehow save this marriage, to make him love me the way he used to claim he did.
I know this is not a comforting comment or thought to know that others feel like we do, but you are not alone.

I feel confident she is not seeing anyone or actively looking. During a good day she mentioned having me over for dinner or a date once she is out of this house. She claims she just wants to get herself straight and not dive into throwing away our 14 year marriage. She is not willing to try marriage counseling until she feels saving the marriage is what she wants. It crushes me because I believe that is what marriage counseling would help her decide.

I'm not ready to lose hope, even though I know I would not feel the intensity of pain if I did. I need a miracle.

My husband said the exact same thing to me. He wants to have me over for a date and cook me dinner. Have me and the kids come over to hang out. He said he wanted to take care of himself and be independent. Then he dropped the bombshell on me ... He is in a relationship with someone else. He spends time with her and time with me. He doesn't know what the hell he wants. It is so frustrating. I dont want you to loose hope because I don't want to loose the hope myself. I am now going to cut contact except for the kids and focus on myself. That is the only thing I can change. If he really wants another woman at least I will be moving along in the healing process if that is his ultimate choice. I can't live with the emotional roller coaster anymore. She can have him. Give it a year and she will likely be on here looking for support just like I am. During the times that I let go and focused on myself and the kids my husband seemed more intrigued in me. Maybe that is a small key. Don't do so much for her. Do for you. Maybe you can spark her desire before she moves on. Good luck. I wish I felt more hope for my own relationship

Sound like your wife is very Narcissistic. For someone to be asking for full body massages while at the same time shopping for an apartment is ridiculous. Read the articles on markmanson.net named Where are your values and the other one is Fuck yes or no. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. What she's doing is using you and destroying your self esteem and self worth. The epitome of unattractive is a man with no self esteem or self worth. If all of the things you are doing to make the relationship work is unappreciated then she doesn't deserve you.
What I have ultimately learned is that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities you can have and portray. It doesn't matter what you look like or how much money you have. If you are confident, if you are a good person, and if you treat people well then your wife should be grateful to be with you. if she's not than find someone that will because there are a lot of women that would like to have that in their life after getting stepped on by inconsiderate men out there.
Trust me, I am living it. I would give my world to have my ex-girlfriend back but she was narcissistic, inconsiderate, sociopathic with a borderline personality disorder. She left me six months ago and i still miss her every single day. I shouldn't because I am wasting my time and she doesn't deserve it but it's really hard. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!
We would all love to be catered to and treated well and have to do nothing in return. Unfortunately that's not life, that's not fair and you deserve more.
Let her know the man you really are and she can accept it or else let her know you'll find someone better that loves and appreciates you for what you bring to the table.
Good luck