Hi guys, thanks for taking the time to read this! I need some clarity, I need to know that I'm not mad!
4 months ago my fiancée ended our relationship, I've been pretty bad since! Here's how it begun, we met at my work. We started off as friends and things grew from there! I suffer from mental illness and before we got too deep a few weeks into our relationship I explained that I knew I was starting to become 'sick' again. I just knew, a ongoing battle for years becomes like second knowledge. Anyway I gave him the opportunity to break things off for a while, while I got better and then we could maybe continue. He begged me not too leave him, he cried, begged and told me that he would stay by my side through everything and help me through it all. Things were great afterwards, I was managing and time had passed... He asked me to be his wife! He promised to never let me feel alone ever again because that's how my ex husband treated me and promised to be by my side in sickness and in health. He made a commitment to me. And I said yes, I was elated. So I'd pulled myself through it all until my ex husband decided to 'get back at me' as he put it. Not because I was in a relationship but because he wanted revenge for something I'll never know. He poked at me, picked at me, fought with me daily when I would go and pick up our children etc and my mental health took a nose dive! I was constantly on edge, constantly stressed, constantly in tears and to top it off my fiancé ex was tormenting me at my place of work! Calling me a whore, a home wrecker, a ugly fat bitch etc it all became too much! I the. Became a shadow of myself, more on edge, sensitive to what was being said to me etc. It caused a few arguments with my fiancé and I and at times I would tell him to go away and leave me alone because I was so overwhelmed and anxious! And panicky. I gave him his ring back when he decided to start picking at me too one day and told him that he needed to seriously think about what he was willing to support me in. so things cooled down, we got on with our lives and I was still being picked at by my ex husband and bullied by his ex and their teenage children. He never once spoke to them and told them to stop! Even after seeing me coming home from work in tears! So we moved forward, we finally decorated the rooms up for my children for when they would come to stay and everything was fine. We were having them over a long weekend! I took off for work one morning and things were okay, I got home and knew something was wrong. He decided to end it with me on the first night my children came to stay at our home! I packed up my kids and left, I ended up being admitted to hospital that night for a nervous breakdown. He came to visit, I had been given my diagnosis for borderline personality disorder and was on the mend! I had the right help and tools in place! He wanted to give it another try, and so we did! I was discharged from hospital to him and went back to living at our house! Everything was great when I got back, I'd started my therapy, and was taking so many positive steps forward that I was a different person! A happier positive person and we didn't argue once! Months passed and My gut told me something wasn't right, I wanted to know when my kids could come stay again. He'd say, ask at the end of the month, then ask again at the middle of the month etc and it rolled on and on! Until I finally asked do you actually want to be with me! He said no I think we should have a break, and then to I think we should split! I was heartbroken! I'd changed everything to suit him and walked on eggshells! So I left, I found my own place and moved out! After that we became friends, but that didn't stop him calling for sex and wanting me to come visit 3 plus times a week for tea etc! Then he started asking me to have sleep overs! I eventually asked will we get back together and try again! He said he was NOT willing to talk or think about any relationship until HE was ready to do so, so I wasn't to ask him a thing! So we go on, he's still sleeping with me, kissed me one night, also told me that he was happy that I was waiting for him and then 5 seconds later told me that he didn't want me to wait for him because I could miss my chance of happiness! But then got mad because I hadn't spoken to him for a whole day because he thought id met someone else! I just didn't know whether or not I was coming or going! I eventually snapped and told him that I need to know what direction we are going in because this is all too much! He eventually decided that we couldn't not be friends right now and that he was NOT willing to talk to me for at least 3 months because he is mad! He decided to inform me that he will be going to meet someone else and that he would never get back together with me if I was the last woman on earth! This is after sleeping with me for 3 months! He also informed me that the only reason he got back together with me the first time after the hospital and in his words were 'I left you 3 months ago for a reason, I only got back together with you because I felt guilty'. I was utterly shocked! I felt betrayed and broken! So since then we haven't been in touch, he hasn't ever asked how the children that he claimed were his step kids and loved very much are doing and couldn't care less about how I'm doing! So far the only communication is me finding out that he told his friend and the town b*tch that I was in 'the nut house' and she told me I should go back there! Oh and he also chose to call me a 'c*nt' also. So someone please please could you share some light and opinions on this! I will never ever claim that I was perfect, I wish I had never gotten sick I really do but I felt like I was with someone who was told from day dot about what I had previously suffered with. And although I wasn't going through it when I met him I did tell him that it could happen again! I gave him a chance to cut and run! He didn't, he begged me not to leave him! When I've approached him with this he has said that 'well if I knew how bad you were I would have definitely ran' that was like a dagger through the heart! My only response was, well I gave you that chance. So yeah thank you for taking the time to read this and please if you could just maybe give me your thoughts on what I should do, and why I'm still so drawn to this man after everything he has said! I still care a lot for him and I don't know why.