It sounds like you want to stay with him, so I will just say that you should do whatever you feel you need to do...
It's not my place to judge...

Midlife crisis is not specific to any one gender but it does sound as if your husband has some issues that need to be dealt with in order for you to know what comes next.
Is he in counseling and remorseful for his behavior? If not, I am asking the question of why you are not letting him go. This pattern of cheating can become a serial thing as it did in my marriage because I did not take a stand. I wanted him so badly that I allowed myself to be treated with disrespect, which is what is happening here.
It is a bad situation all way around, and only you can decide if this is how you want to live your life, waiting for the next time he decides he needs some young thing to feel better. I just couldn't keep handling that, so I let mine go.
This is all about you. What do you want? Do you want to save the marriage? That can only happen if he is willing and I am not hearing much of that here..
I am sorry that he has put you in this position but it sounds as if now is the time for some hard life decisions. Have you considered some counseling to help you deal with the betrayal, and maybe help you decide which way you want to go.
If you are waiting for him to leave, I think that could be a while, because he has a pretty sweet deal right now.
Some marriages survive infidelity, but that takes work from the offending party..
Sending you big healing hugs, and the best in what you decide to do. Kimmee

Hi Linda, that's a tough one and depends on your inner resources and what you can live with. Mine left, came back, left again. In fact he left three weeks after telling me he was here for good when I became insecure because I was feeling that he was pulling away.

It is devastating to your mind and your health to keep doing that because ultimately you are the one who will have rebuild trust and they become cossetted so that they don't leave again. I created an environment geared towards him and his needs because I love him so much. I didn't pay that much attention to myself. Hope this helps you in some way.

As Kimmee pointed out, this is not a gender specific crisis. Women go through it as hard as men do.

Therapist/Psychologists recommend to their midlife patients, not to make a major decision during this time in life. But, it's like a wild horse had grabs a persons soul (between the ages of 40 - 45) and they just can't stop the wild stampede of needing that youthful feeling that 'supposedly' stopped when responsibility and maturity set in. There should be a frickin' law about the devestation this creates in a family. But, there's not a law,..because it's simply the human condition. There's a small percentage of women/men that can rationalize their actions, and stay connected to the family they created, and I wonder how hard that must have been on them. We rarely get to hear the success stories of people who have stuck it out when going through midlife crisis.

You're dealing with a human condition that has nothing to do with your value as a wife. It has nothing to do with what you've done or haven't done. It has nothing to do with what you CAN do.. or WILL do. It just.. IS.

You might want to consider taking a time out for yourself. Look at what is happening around you; accept the fact that your man has a wild horse inside him now,..and with every ounce of all your love and patience,..let him Go. Let him RUN WITH THE WIND.
This will be SO painful,..and SO hard..but your survival depends on your seeing the truth about WHAT IS..and being able to move forward with your own precious, beautiful life.

His actions speak louder than words.

This is your life, accept accountability for it; because now that you've seen these very clear signs that things aren't working out, if you continue to 'stay'..YOU become accountable for the pain this causes you......not Him.

I send you the power of insight and all the strength it will take to make the change that your instincts are telling you is about to happen.

((K9Linda))

He wasn't sure? How convenient.

Yup, it's not gender specific. When I was 42 I just wanted to run wild but with family I settled for dying my hair bright pink and a diet!!!It was quite satisfying. I do think it's harder for women, traditionally the caregiver and homemaker to just take off on a whim.

Linda - you pretty well summarized my advice in your post. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.

Lynne

My husband went through this at age 45 or so. You really need to let them go through it. I felt sorry for him after a while. I think sometimes you need to wait for them to snap out of it. Take care of yourself first.

Hi Linda-Sorry that your life is being turned upside down. If hubby is willing to work on things that is great but you have every right to NEED some proof that he is WORKING on it. I would ask that he go to the medical doctor and have his hormone level checked that many times can be outof whack and causing some of the problems. This can easily be adjusted if necessary, Secondly i would ask for him to go with you to counseling if he says no then go alone. BUT GO. you will need the support of someone to help you deal with many issues. Trust, his cheating and your feelings of inadequecy. The one thing I did not do when my husband cheated on me was tell. I kept it to my self for some time. I did not want others to know that he had done this to me. I was embarrassed for both of us. People respected him and I didn't want him to lose that and have to build that back up if we were going to work this out, it became our dirty little secret. I think by not telling others it gave him permission to continue with the affair. Next time i will tell the world and he can deal with the embarrassment and maybe that will push him to a decision. Either stay and show you are working on this or go and have your thing with everyone knowing what kind of man you really are. I wish you luck and I am really sorry that you are stuck in the limbo of waiting on him to make a decision.

So sorry you have to go through this. I was cheated on and the GIRL was 20+ years younger than him. Thought I could deal, but in the end that and other issues he had pretty much destroyed me. I don't know how anyone can come to grips with cheating.....I can't.

I wonder why you are putting your life on hold waiting for him to make a decision. You need to make the decision of what you want for yourself....it's hard, but no one should have that power over you. Since I've been there and done that, my advice is kick him to the curb and take your life back now.

I agree with captiva.... why would anyone let it be "HIS" decision.... he cheated and should be licking your boots for forgiveness and you are waiting for "HIS" decision..... not in my lifetime.....

Mid-life crisis is a damn good excuse to use if you are an immoral ass! Yep, I am in my mid 40's, therefore I can do anything I want and be damned who I hurt.... cause I am having a mid-life crisis!

When a man reaches his mid-forties, he begins to think that he is reaching the point that he will no longer be able to attract young, "hot" women. It's his last chance to "play the field" and he may feel that he was denied all the fun that all the single guys had because he was raising a family. It never really happened to me - yet - but I do know that lots of guys go through this. Personally, I've always kept far away from women that are much younger than myself as it's highly unlikely for that relationship to be sustainable. There's plenty of great women that are in my age group with so much to offer so I'll just settle for the red convertible and the toupee.

Whether or not you accept your husband's rationale for his behavior is strictly up to you.

Whether or not you forgive your husband is strictly up to you.

Personally, if I were you, I'd be more concerned about his complete lack of respect for you and your marriage. And it is a lack of respect; no more fancy diagnosis is needed than that.

If he chooses to call that lack of respect a "mid-life crisis", well, then that is the title he is giving it. I feel bad for you if you choose to be the option when you should be the priority for your husband.

Take care and good luck!

You are right, my advice would be all of the above that you said. My did and still is also going through a full blown mid-life crazy. What I have learned though is that if you don't MAKE him take action or for you to take action yourself then you are not helping anyone. He will continue to stay in that limbo and it will become his norm thus also becoming your norm. I know you have lots of bad thoughts about him and you and your life. I know because I have them too. I know that at one point, when you are truly tired of living in that state of purgatory you will take action. Only when he hits rock bottom will he have the chance to dig himself out. I know it's also so very hard to not be there for him and to not hold him up when he falls but this is not something you can do for him. This is something he has to do all on his own. Let him go (force him to go) if you ever want a chance for you both to have a better future, be it together or separate.

I think you cannot allow this to go on. It is very easy to call this a mid-life crisis, but by doing that, it in some ways gives an implied permission that it is okay for him to disrespect you and your marriage and then when the "crisis" is over, he came come back to you like nothing ever happened.

You must insist on marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, then go on your own to help you deal with your feelings.

You must also let him know that his choices are unacceptable. He is either committed to you and the marriage or he is not. He needs to understand that his choices come with consequences.

My fear is the whole "laying low" comment. This shows a level of deceit and disrespect that says he's just keeping you around to avoid the financial fall-out of divorce.

Please contact an attorney (don't tell him you're doing this) to find out what your rights are. Get prepared.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but many of us have been through it on DS. We are surviving and thriving and you can too. You deserve to be loved and respected.