Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Just wondering if any women or men can shed some light on men going through a midlife crisis. I believe my stbx(?) is going through that but not real sure. He's been having an affair with a female (trying to be nice) that's 20 years younger than he is. I've noticed some changes in him within the past several months. Drinking excessively, stopped telling me "I love you", stopped calling me from his cell and would not answer his cell phone when I called. He told me that he told the OW that he loved her. I'm having a hard time believing that he really does love her. He told me that "they" ended the relationship--she ended it because she was worried about her family finding out that she was having an affair with a married man and he ended it because of me. It later came out that he told her they had to "lay low for a little while". He told me he was going to start packing his stuff to move out and that was four months ago. He has yet to move out or find another place to live. I asked him what he was planning on doing and he told me he wasn't sure if he was moving out or staying. I know that there will be some of you that say: "Kick his ass to the curb", "He's wanting his cake and eating it too", "He's just using you" or "Run like hell and leave him in the dust!" However, I am open to whatever anyone has to say, good or bad.
I was in your situation 3 years ago and he is now remarried with the other woman.
My conclusion: marriage means absolutely nothing these days!
If you want to stick around, it is really up to you, but you should also prepare for the worst at least emotionally. Good luck.
If you can't or will not provide what is missing (you may have good reason not to) then you need to part.
The challenge is to get the communication further along so you can both understand what he is missing in his life. Why is he restless. Secondly, is what he is after realistic or is it totally unreasonable. Since the two of you are communicating and you know a lot and you have not stopped communicating you have a chance.
The two of you might view the DivorceCare video series together at a church. Maybe ask to view it privately or with a spiritual leader. You both need to understand that there quite possibly is no greener pasture than the one you are in. You need to have an honest and open discussion of his affair and why. And he needs to understand your feelings about it all. You will have to forgive AND he will have to stop to make room for you in his life again.
What you doing is very, very hard emotional work. Not many couples can survive what you have been through. You might be the rare case.
Godspeed
If you want to keep the relationship, then tell him the relationship with the OW has to end, and he needs to go with you to counseling. If he doesn't want to do that, then tell him to get out.
Keep your self respect and dignity. It isn't worth living in limbo while he goes back and forth between you and the OW.
I think I really do want to stay with him but part of me says I should not. I've mentioned us going to counseling but he is against doing that. Says they just want your money and they're all idiots.(Denial) I do have an appointment with a marriage counselor tomorrow. I'm hoping I can get a better perspective on the whole situation and get some help in dealing with this--with or without him. He did tell me he was sorry he was putting me through this--do I believe him? Not really but then again I don't know. There is something going on with him (other than the affair). Something is bothering him and has for awhile but will not talk about it. He's the type that keeps everything inside. I do feel disrespected by him doing this.
Kimmee--thank you for the big healing hugs! I needed that! :-)
They say: "Once a cheater always a cheater". That too goes through my mind constantly.
He's had a really good life here with me. He comes and goes as he pleases, buys whatever he wants, sleeps 12 to 15 hours a day, makes messes which I have to clean up, can have sex whenever and however he wants, and I have not been the typical "bitch" of a wife. Never have been. We don't fight and never have. I know that every marriage has problems--it wouldn't be normal if they didn't. However, he chose to go outside the marriage and blind-sighting me by doing it. There wasn't any warning at all until I got the gut feeling that something wasn't right. Either way this goes, I hope I will have the strength and the courage to move forward. I know it will be a difficult road either way.
Msteri--Thank you for sending me the power of insight and the strength! Also thank you for the ((hugs))! :-)
Wordweaver--I should really consider dying my hair a bright color (maybe a glow in the dark color)! Love that one!
Lynne--Thanks for wishing me all the best. ((hugs))
needstime--I didn't keep my mouth shut...I did tell because I felt I had that right and didn't want him to think he'd gotten away with anything especially making me out to be the "bad guy". Quite a few people called me and asked: "What the hell is he thinking?!"
captiva4me4--Cheating is a very hurtful thing. I really don't understand how people can do this to their significant other knowing that it would cause so much pain. I know I should not be putting my life on hold for HIM but it's so hard to do after 18 years of marriage, doing things together, etc. He is a controlling person and I need to take control of my life instead of him doing it for me. Easier said than done.
Sisyphean--He does have to be the center of attention at all times or he doesn't want to be in a place where he isn't. We didn't have any children (not my choice, but his) so he didn't have a family to support and raise. I didn't know that he never wanted children until after it was too late for me to bear children. I resent him for that but not once have I brought it up or thrown it in his face even though I wanted to. So, did you get that red convertible and the toupee? LOL
4booboo--Your post hit the nail on the head. I'm sorry you're having to go through the very same thing with those darn thoughts that just don't seem to go away.
hurtand...--Thank you for your insightful post and for the comment of: "You deserve to be loved and respected." I have told him that what he did was cruel, selfish, and not acceptable behavior.
Leile--You are so right! Marriage means absolutely nothing these days. It's very unfortunate. What happened to morals and vows that were made when people get married?
Solongbye--I just love hearing from you and your answers to things--always making me laugh! You sure you don't know my husband? LOL
Have you gone to counseling on your own? Have you gone to couples counseling?
I think there is nothing in a marriage that can't be fixed as long as both parties are willing to work on it. If that doesn't work, then yeah you have to start to plan your own life.
good luck, we are here for you.
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