I have sure walked a mile in your shoes. I had the same feelings about my ex too.

One thing I did was stay really busy. My house was never cleaner than during those first few months of separation. When the anger would start to take over, I'd find something to clean.

Continue to use the journal here (or a private one at home). Writing can be very therapeutic. But whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT HIM. You will be wasting your breath and will only feel worse.

Eventually, when you are ready, you will let go of the anger. I invite you to read my journals--I leave them open for everyone. I've several about anger with my ex and my most recent one is about finally letting the anger go.

Sending big hugs.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this..I am in the same boat. I hate him for what he has done to me..I want to talk more and understand...I still wish he never had done the things he did..I miss the person he used to be...uugghh this is all so hard, I feel your pain. Good luck and hugs to you!

Cleaning house is good---I had a "Am I gay?"(meant in a funny way)moment recently---took my my long sleeve tshirts and put them on hangers--also bought a hanging shoe organizer(wtf?)....anyhow when I was really overcome w/anger(late july) I rememember coming home from a concert(only 1 beer in me)and driving home screaming my f*cking guts and mind out at my ex......you name it.."how can you do this to me?,you f*cking bitch,etc...gotta say...that helped alot...I never caved to my ex after the initial few days of the split...that had been about 2 ,months on my own and it helped....also I read and tried a lil of "forced"crying until my internal voice said --"ok,now those are crocodile tears--let it go"--that really sent me on the road I think...also what Ive done is say to myself is to assume the worst---by that I mean,if you have any lingering doubt of "maybe he'll come back"...the way I started making more peace was to assume/believe/accept that the ex is gone,probably has a new b/f and is enjoying life w/o you....which is fine...because although you dont want to be in a contest with them...I think just accepting that theyve moved on for sure...that its "ok" for you to move on...if that makes sense...for me I have a birthday party for my daughter in january,Im going assume my ex will bring a date,its gonna be weird but Ive been in the mindset of "good for her"...my time will come and if doesnt...at least my shirts are hung and my shoes are fricken organized...

I know I also have anger and because we have kids we see each other often but I just stay focused on taking care of my kids and stay busy. I have to basically learn a new way of living and I doubt expressing my emotions to him will do anything to help me so I dont bother altho he has spoke his emotions to me and they werent kind words at all!

dbj17, you funny!

And I think it's great that you got that shoe organizer.

Hey, Kourtney, maybe you could channel that energy into a new sport? Like tennis? I'll bet that with all this anger you could develop a hella backhand.

Or maybe hockey? Some kind of sport where you have to hit something. But I don't think golf, at least not right now.

oh dear...you sound so much like me...i am sorry for you. i know it hurts like crazy and yes, you feel like exploding on him.
the first 3 months after D day i took long morning walks by the beach where I said my "speeches" out loud of what I would say in court to him or about him (I had NO clue how different court would really be).
Then, at night, I stood in front of a mirror and recited my speech again, dramatizing and gesturing with all my heart, my fingers, my soul....
somehow that helped me a lot.....I still remember my perfect speech word by word....try it!

WOW! You hit all of my feelings to a tee. Maybe our ex's are related. I have tried to journal too, it didn't really help. I started to seek treatment from a psychologist. In the first session he told me to put a rubber band around my wrist and snap the rubber band every time I thought about my ex......to highten my awareness. I told him I didn't need to make myself more aware of how much I am thinking about him and that I might as well just have a constant hold on the rubber band, without letting it go, he laughed! The second visit, he told me to get a big roc, paint my ex's first initial on the rock. Take it to the cemetery and have a funeral service for him, bury the past. I didn't do that and thought this was ridiculous. Never went back. But, that might work for someone else. My house is very clean too, you can eat off of every square inch, ha! Everyone says "time" is the best medicine, but how long does this take? I try to remember the bad memories because the good ones make me cry more. We are better and deserve better and need to put sticky notes all over the place to remind ourselves that we are worth more than they will ever know. Their loss and this IS a really BIG world.

Thank you all for responding... my house is always clean too LOL.. I try to stay busy but the thoughts still haunt me.. I am afraid to let go of the anger because he always comes back to me and I feel like if I let it go and he tries to come back that I will give in.. we've been through this many times.. I dont like feeling angry either though. I think about hurting him physically too. He has always said he will never get over me and always come back to me, but I want to be able to resist him. I feel like the only way I could do it is if I find a new boyfriend.. IDK..

Finding a sport where I can hit something sounds like a GREAT idea!