2nwadadvts...good question. I unfortunately was unfaithful 12 years ago and told my husband. I was unfaithful again within the past 4 years and a big mess it was. My husband got involved with a woman after the 2nd and left to be with her. He says it wasn't cheating b/c he left. He tormented me and still saw me while seeing her. We had in in law apartment which was vacant and he would not let me in for 4 months until I told his mother to get her things out or I would get a dumpster.

Part of me has filed because I was unfaithful twice and feel I cannot repair the damage although who has done the most hurting is questionable b/c my husbnand is an addict and has done his share of abusing me emotonally and verbally. he left me 6 months ago and has been doing cocaine.

Anyway, I still think it is cheating if you are married and he was keeping her secret until I found her texts fromthe very beginning of their relaionship. He would never have told me and probably would not have left if I didn't find out.

Even if you initiate a divorce, that doesn't always mean you are at peace. Initiating the divorce means that you are the one who came to face facts the relationship isn't/ hasn't been working.

Rbsingle,

I will answer your question with a question: why does it matter? If you are hoping your stbx is racked with guilt, these are questions that just impede your healing process. Trust me, I know. I hoped and hoped that my ex would be filled with remorse and guilt and you know what? Even if he is, I would never take him back. I found that focusing on whether he was suffering kept me tied to him. I don't need to give him any more space in my head.

These are questions that will never have satisfactory answers. Focus on you and how you are going to make your new life really special and unique.

Sending hugs! I know these questions can drive you nuts, but really, for your own healing, let them go.

(((rbsingle))))

Hurtinandhealing said what I wanted to say.

I know the strong desire to have him validate my feelings and my choice (I ended the marriage because of his lies, betrayals and so much that I am sick of thinking about.)

It was hard, but I learned to find my own validation. I hope you find yours soon>

thanks to all of you who placed your input on this topc. Some were really really good and made a lot of sense. I know for all of us who have been left behind because of cheating spouses; yes we hurt, we are in pain, in devastation because we lived an illusion of what could have and should have been. Some blame their spouses and others know what role they played in their marriage to cause it not to work out. some of us like myself just want KARMA to come around and bite their ass because we are in so much pain it seems unfair to see them move on like we meant nothing to them in so many years of marriage but yes like somebody said to me directly on this post I NEED to let this go but i am just finding it hard to at times. It will be 2 yrs in April 2012 that my separation with my ex happened and we actually divorced in October 2011 when he filed. The fact that he was a pastor who preached against adultery and condemned so many for their sins leaves me speechless. That is why i am waiting for vengeance and being the wife of a pastor (when he was one) makes it more difficult for me. I know vengeance belongs to God but frankly if it were in my hands he would be paying big time right about NOW.
Sounds cruel? Maybe but i am speaking what I feel