Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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I'm not enough

imiru
imiru

Back and forth its like repeating the same damn song and theres no stop button. Everytime my partner opens up to me he starts by saying he's just venting then proceeds to point out that he's losing interest, that I'm not doing enough to reassure him that I want this relationship and everything I've done just isn't enough. Each time I try to point out I'm not vocal, what I feel I show by doing tasks and listening to him when he needs someone to lean on. 


The moment I get annoyed though, he suddenly points out he's just venting and not trying to start a fight. 


Call me crazy but if you're venting, you're not looking for a solution, you're just venting. 


Meanwhile, he asks me my opinion and what I feel about all that. I feel like I'm being led into an obvious double edge sword. If I say how I feel he gets defensive but if I stay silent he takes it as I don't care about his problems.

Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Have you said just that to him?

Because it does sound like he's talking out of both sides of him mouth
mlr0853
mlr0853
Have you ever heard of the term "gaslighting" if not, try reading up on it and codependent behavior.
yendh
yendh
He sounds like a manipulative guy. He makes it look like you're the problem, but the truth is, you're not.
hasty_05
hasty_05
Oh boy, I was going to write exactly what the others have written. This guy is demanding and not very nice. He blames you and twists things around. If you stay in a relationship with him, your heart and soul and self-esteem will be cut into ribbons. Tell him what you said on here. Start thinking about how his gaslighting is abuse. He isn’t venting, he’s manipulating you, trying to control you, nothing you do will fix or change him or make him happy and you deserve better.
MrCellophane
MrCellophane
Next time, try asking him this: "Do you want to be heard, helped, or hugged?" It is a powerful question to ask someone in distress to clarify if they need empathy (heard), solutions (helped), or comfort (hugged). It prevents frustration by getting them to take a moment for self-reflection, and to identify for you their actual need - instead of forcing you to guess, and then facing the consequences of guessing wrong.
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