We all tend to do that a lot when we are going through this journey. I still do at times and it's been close to two years.

That is the hardest part because in our inability, we tend to turn the blame towards ourselves.
I know I quote alot but there were certain things that really helped me cope when I would read them... this is yet another but I can't remember which book I read it in...

"Everyone does the best that he/she can at any given time based on the skills & the knowledge they have & what their perception of reality is."

This helped me in understanding where my anger & hostility was coming from but it also allowed me to feel some pity for my ex. I honestly feel that he was so unhappy with who he was as a person that he needed to seek external sources to pull himself up. He needed to have that new feeling of someone else telling him how wonderful he is but the truth is that when that glitter wears off & it will someday, he will be left with the same person he was unhappy with in the first place... himself.

Trying to understand is just beating your head against the wall & torturing yourself. I know, I still catch myself doing it on occassion. Try to figure yourself out & examine anything that you need to improve for you & focus on that without blaming yourself. If you still find you are blaming yourself, then forgive yourself too & move forward from there knowing that you will be a better you in your future relationships.

These are the questions that will drive you mad if you dwell on them. Some questions have no definable good answers to them. Nothing that they say to that question will ever quiet the hurt in our hearts, and the wondering what happened. The Why's, when we loved so much. I asked myself these questions a million times, and came to the conclusion that I can keep waiting for answers that will not be forthcoming or I can try to accept the facts as they are this moment. They changed for what ever reasons. Sometimes they don't want to hurt us by actually telling us what the true reason is. I am sorry that the questions are in your head, and they will be for some time until acceptance finds you. Hugs for the healing to come soon. Kimmee

i still think about it more often then I like.....

The new Man that my stbx has become since he supplanted me with the pay-per-view GF is no longer really worth my thought, but that fact in itself is mindboggling....pre-prostitute, I thought the sun rose and set on him.

i think it works this way; after our healing becomes more entrenched in our wounded hearts and souls, all the things we have been doing to try and recover become less distraction from grief, and more like wholehearted voluntary involvements.
As we really engage with our new lives, gradually we are freed from the sense of loss and abandonment. Time and will play their parts here too.

Hope that it will happen soon for you all us hurting ones.

You only need to understand if you're trying to fix it. If that's not an option, it's wasted energy.

I agree Rman. Sometimes I really want to understand why he did a lot of the terrible things he has (I have come to blame a lot on his narcissistic personality disorder)- but the reality is I will never know or understand. My mind is then left filling in the blanks (very dangerous!)- and that usually results in me concluding it was my fault... Ugh! I think I go through this tortuous exercise because I want to learn from this experience- and be able to do a better job in the future. Unfortunately, this way of thinking will never serve me well. It will erode my self-esteem and will actually create more problems for me going forward. I have tried to reframe my thinking- to allow myself to just accept that the marriage didn't work out- that it is not my fault- I didn't necessarily do anything wrong- and I also cannot fix my stbx's major personality disorder. What I can impact is how I choose to live my life from this day forward, and how I choose to think, feel and behave. I need to learn to be at peace with having only some of the answers I seek- and instead of killing myself trying to figure out the impossible- I must learn to be peaceful within myself (after all I am all I can ever be certain of).

Sorry to ramble... this topic has just been the theme of my whole week!
Wishing you brighter days and peace!!
Best,
K

If she'll never tell you, then you get to make your own ending, and blame her. ;)

actually the hardest part for me wasnt why he left me..the biggest obstacle for me to get thru or over..the biggest part of my healing..was why did i stay with someone that continued to hurt me..

What I have learned in the two years of my journey is that "perception is reality." I have talked to my stbx too many times about this in the first year of our separation. What I learned is that what he says changed monthly. His perception was very skewed about so many things. He would tell me one thing and then change it and tell me another thing a month later. So did I ever get clear answers? Hell no. But I have watched the man that I was married to for 30 years and I have seen him become someone who I don't recognize. Someone our children don't recognize and he says this is who he really is. Well I liked the man he really wasn't for 30 years. Good luck on your journey. The only answers you can find are within your own heart.

We all go through these feelings of trying to understand. Bottom line is we have to learn about ourselves, admire who we are, build on our weaknesses. I always thought the pain would be easier if I understood. I'll never be able to understand because of who I am, my mind doesn't go to how someone can be so deceptive and calculating. It's their weaknesses that brought this huge change into our lives. I can honestly say now that it was a blessing for me. My life revolved around everyone else and I am now beginning to find me.

Good for you Duvall... it's when we get to that point that we see the silver lining & all is worth it. :)

SOMETIMES...we don't get the closure we deserve...the understanding of the WHY....

Hugs to you....

I'm so glad you started this discussion. The answers you're seeking seemed to be directed right at me, too. Mamalyn, and Boyd52, you rock!

I had to visit the X Wednesday night regarding the house (to be sold).......cold, argumentative and just plain evil.....accusations, insinuations, mouthy.......then on my way back to my apartment she called all sweet and apologetic.......so do I understand why, you bet...it was a reminder of why I ran away..........my roller coaster ride pretty much ended when the papers were received.......

I am the lucky one I know my why's....but most will never know....all the would have, should have, could have's aren't going to change diddle dee squat......and once you can get to acceptance then you start to heal......easier said than done......I had them too, the what if's........., but I forced myself to not dwell in the past and concentrate on the future, MY future........

Most of my learning (about myself) has come from taking a close look at my role in the break-up. When I stopped placing blame on her (after all what good is that?) and accepted responsibility for my actions; or lack there of, during the marriage my healing and learning really began. CAUTION: Don't be to harsh on yourself but, do accept responsibility, learn and move on. Blessings!