Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

cmshinn 05/18/2010

OMG, it's not want I wanted. All I've ever wanted was a man to love me and appreciate me for who I am and for the love I have to offer. Is that so much to ask for? May 28th will be 12 years married, 13 years together and jeez 28 years since we first became friends (huge crush on him when we were younger).

We use to do everything together and then we got married and I got pregnant. That was all she wrote. From that point on I became the nanny, maid and whore while he went out and enjoyed himself. At first it was once or twice a month, then it progressed to once or twice a week. Now it's more important to stop at the bar or his friends house before coming home to his own wife and daughter everynight.

After at least 3 years of straight out fighting, I finally told him yesterday that I want to move out. Deep down inside I wanted him to say he loved me and that he was sorry for hurting me and that he wanted to work things out. But he didn't. So here I sit, bawling my eyes out and reaching out to perfect strangers for support. I have cried to all my family and friends for years. They are all jumping for joy that I've finally decided to leave. So why aren't I? why do I feel so alone and desparate? How I'm I going to live in this house for the next month and a half feeling the way I do? I have an apartment lined up, but it won't be available til July. How can I face him every single day? How do I get up in the morining knowing it's one more day closer to leaving? How do I stop questioning him on where he's been and with whom? It is no longer my business, I'm the one who said "enough is enough". But then, why do I still care? OMG How in the hell am I going to get thru this????????

If ever there was a time, it is now. I really need some friends and support. If you are out there and can lend an ear, I really could use one.

deleted_user 05/18/2010

(((hugs))) Sorry you have to go through this, but you've come to the right place. We've all been there, or are there, and will help you to our best ability.

Sometimes people change, for no apparent rhyme or reason.
I wish I could give you magic words of advice, but there's no such thing. The pain will go away, but it takes time. For some longer than others. What's important is for you to focus on yourself. Try to do things you like, don't sit around contemplating the past too much, it's your future you need to work on now.

Crying, it's a good thing, let it out, if you get angry, hell, go with that too.
As to the facing him every day, well, in my case I just worked out my schedule so I wouldn't be around a whole lot, so I didn't have to face my stbx. visit friends and family, sleep over if you need to and can.

deleted_user 05/18/2010

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of a relationship. No matter what the cause of a breakup, learning to let go just often isn't easy to do. It could be the one that got away, a first love, a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or unrequited love. Regardless of the situation, learning to let go of what's over is often a very difficult thing to do and the hurt can often last for years if a person simply won't break the hold.

Recovering from the horrible pain and hurt of a broken relationship is no easy task. When love is found, one naturally wants to believe it will last forever. And it's great when it does. But when it doesn't, the hurt and pain can be devastating. But even more devastating can be the pain and suffering the person experiences from not letting go of what's gone and moving on with living.

Turning off feelings for someone isn't like turning off a light switch. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the feelings disappear or go away. Being left alone with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anger, grief, rejection, and despair can prove to be overwhelming. The person might find themselves attempting to contact the other person, making up reasons to be where the other person is, calling them repeatedly, etc....anything to keep in contact with the other person or have some kind of hold or attachment still with them. And while it's a natural thing to want to do this, it prevents us being healed of the relationship.

In order to let go and live again, the past must be closed. It is impossible to live in the past. You can't look forward to a future when you live in what was, rather than in the here and now. What has happened is gone, and no amount of wanting, wishing, or regret will undo or changed what's already happened and is over with.

To put closure on the past, you have to let go of the feeling that you can't make it without the other person. Feelings of failure, trying to contact the person (unless you have children together), dependency, guilt, resentment, and anger... all of these feelings must be dealt with and brought under control. While they are normal to feel, continuing to harbor them keeps you from being healed of the hurt, and therefore keeps you from living and being happy again.

Often when a relationship ends, one or both parties have the mindset that they are a failure. They measure their self worth by whether a relationship lasted or died. One's self worth should never be measured by another person, but rather how they are. When you love yourself, you will learn that yourself worth does not revolve around another person but rather is enhanced by the other person.

While there is just no way to magically heal the pain and hurting of a lost relationship, there are ways to help yourself heal. The main thing is that you have to allow yourself to want to heal, and not keep clinging to something that you simply cannot change.

Stop beating yourself up over the past. It's done, it's gone, it's not changing. No matter who is at fault for the breakup, no amount of blaming yourself or feeling guilty will undo the past. Forgive either the other person or yourself (or both) and allow yourself to be happy again.

Unless you have children together, stop contacting the person. Don't try to be where they are, don't call them and leave them messages, don't email them, don't follow them around. Leave them alone! Continuing to attempt to be in contact with them (unless you have kids) does nothing but harass them and keep you tied to the pain.

Go out on dates with others and actually enjoy yourself. Have fun! And whatever you do, don't spend the date talking about your ex and how much you miss them and want them back. This won't lead to a second date! Go out and be happy, leave the worries behind. You might just find you had a fantastic time.

Allow yourself to heal from the breakup. Allow yourself to enjoy life again, to be happy. Allow yourself to heal from the past hurts and pain. Allow yourself the freedom to love again. Let go of the past, and be happy.

cmshinn 05/18/2010

Thanks for the replies. I know this will be a roller coaster from anger to tears and back. As for brakeing free from him. That will be the worst, I have loved him since I was 12yrs old. I knew then that I wanted to be with him. But he is 4yrs older then me and back then, he was a teenager while I was still a child. He moved on - got married and started his adult life. Then when we crossed paths later in life, my dream came true. I was his for the taking. And he took and took and took. Yes he gave in his own way. But never in the ways that I needed and wanted. He is the most handsome man I've ever known on the outside. But on the inside he is the devil. Unfortunately for me, I will be tied to him for life. I will always want him and will probably always jump when he says to. I will never fully recover from this devastating blow. Hopefully with support from the people at the site, it will be slightly easier to get thru this storm. Thanks and please keep replying. It does help, even if only to remind me that "I'm worth it". Thanks to all.

Rman 05/18/2010

Is there anywhere you can go until this new apartment is ready? Are you serious about moving out? Have you tried talking to him about seeking counseling?

deleted_user 05/18/2010

lycesq 05/18/2010

Cm - it is hard - no doubt about it. But your sbtx was no prize and I think that you and your daughter would be better off without him. You will get beyond the crying stage and feel grief, anger, and other emotions, then someday come to acceptance. I know it may sound unbelievable but it's true.

Since you are new to DS, I'm going to share the information I give all new members:

Welcome to DS were glad you found us but sorry you have to be here. What follows is some information that I have compiled for new people. I hope you find something in it to help you:

Some information from Kimmeee: (one of community leaders)

Privacy features.
Go to my account on the left side of the screen below your profile. You will see provisions for changing your privacy and who sees what you post.
You may pick friends only and only friends will see this or you may pick Ds members only. That mean anyone that has a ds membership will be able to view your profile and see your hugs. If you choose everyone, people will be able to google you and see what you have written.
If you use the journal feature you may want to make them friends only.
If you want to chat with anyone, you can do this but you may get many requests from Ghana asking for money. Just end the chat, and report it to us. Report any inappropriate sexual overtones in a PM or chat to us with the member name or to the admins using the abuse link.
You may Set to friends only and this will cut down on who can contact you.

The Community leaders for this group or CL's are
ChiTownBear, Chrurop, and myself. We can answer general questions and we help to limit trolls.

If you receive a Private message or PM that says something to the effect of I saw your profile and I really like what I see, they send you an email to contact them. Please forward that to one of the CL so that we can ban that member.

If you have anyone show abusive behavior toward you in a pm you may use the report abuse button at the bottom of each post and report them to the admins.

If you have general questions about the Rules of the Road or The Terms of Service, that is here.

http://www.dailystrength.org/help/faq

This is a manual for newcomers. It has tried and true ideas from all of us that have had to walk this new path.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

From Patti:

I started to write this in reply to someone else but decided to make it it's own post.

Wake up. Force yourself to get dressed.

Reward yourself with a cup of coffee or tea. This is a big accomplishment. (Thus the silly posts on here debating which is better.)

Then force yourself to keep your mind on something else. This is VERY hard. (Thus all of the silly OT topics which are really much much more ON topic than some people realize.)

Reach out for support....Everywhere. It will probably hit you hard when some of the people that you thought would be supportive won't be. And some of the thoughtless comments will have the power to send you into a dark hole. So come on here and tell us all about them. Chances are someone's heard the same thing, or worse, and can help you throught them.

It will also surprise you the people who will be supportive. I lost a ton of weight, and while buying some clothes, the cashier sympathized and remembered going through the same thing.

Talk, talk, and talk. Talk it to death if you have to.

And also come on here where we understand that sometimes you want to talk about anything Except what's going on. (Thus all of the Other OT topics, that really aren't OT at all.)

Some of us got hurt badly by abuse, some by infedelity, some dealt with alcohol/drugs, and some are going back to work for the first time in years and years. And a lot of us go through issues with our kids.

Take a chance and post. The OT stuff gets tons of responses because so many of us are trying NOT to think about it all, but don't let that fool you. This is a divorce and breakup site. We're all in different stages of it.

Hugs. And sorry that you're here.

From Nannylisa:

10 Things You Can Do to Cheer Yourself Up

Whether you have the winter blues, you're suffering from a disappointment, or you're just feeling a little down, we all have times when we could use a little lift. Here are 10 ideas to get you back on the upswing.

1. Plan Some Fun. Get out your calendar. Next do a search for things to do in your area. Local newspapers usually have a "What's Going On" section. Pick out your favorite 5 or 10 things. And remember the things you choose don't have to be big events. It can be as simple as taking a long drive in the country or going for a walk on the beach. Write them into your calendar. Invite someone to join you on some. For others go and meet some new people.

2. Express Your Creativity. Do some painting. Decorate your house with flowers. Do a paper mache project. Pick up that guitar, practice and write a song. Practice juggling. Make a funny photo album with all those old photos you've got in boxes by adding quirky caption above each picture. Learn how to play the harmonica. Write and illustrate a mini book or comic book. Maybe pick your favorite movie get a friend to act out one of the scenes with you while you videotape it. It doesn't have to be good. Just doing these things will make you feel good. And if you keep doing them you'll naturally get better.

3. Get Outside. Fresh air does wonders for your body and spirit. If you can go to a park or a place in nature, even better. Here are some things you could do: go for a walk, fly a kite, plant some vegetables or flowers, roller skate, ride a bike, or go on a 'treasure hunt" to find things for an art project.

4. Let Music Take You Higher. Turn on your favorite music and sing! Pull down the shades and dance. Rent a video on belly dancing. If you're in your car, you can still move a little to the music. Go for it! What do you care what other people think? Have fun with it! Sing, dance, play an instrument. Practice your favorite song and then go to karaoke and let the world hear your talent!

5. Walk a Dog. If you don't have your own dog, offer to walk a neighbor's dog. Or even better yet, sign up at the local MSPCA to walk the pooches who have no one to love them. What a nice way to make a difference!

6. Volunteer. There are so many ways to help others. Here are a few ideas.

* Feed people. Volunteer at a food kitchen or make your own homemade batch of food and share it with people who could use it: shut-ins, elderly, new mothers, someone who is works too much, etc.
* Help People: volunteer with the Salvation Army, the Red Cross, or Meels on Wheels.
* Mentor. Check out Big Brother/Big Sister, Mentoring.org, or SCORE(mentoring small business start-ups).

7. A Change Will Do You Good. Get some order in your house. Change your furniture around. Change your decorations, or maybe go minimalist for a change. Clear out the clutter. It doesn't matter where you start. Just pick a place in your home that's been bugging you and attack it! Then sell, throw, or give away stuff you don't need. You'll feel great afterward and you'll have made a dent in making your living space more peaceful. And maybe it will give you inspiration to tackle another area tomorrow.

8. Plan a Party. There doesn't need to be a good reason other than it's time for some fun. Start with a small idea and build around it. Maybe you can get inspired by a theme, certain foods, or your favorite music to get the ball rolling. Then think about who you would like to invite. When and where will you have it? Will you cook, hire caterers, or make it pot luck? A meal or finger foods? Will there be dancing, contests, games, or other fun stuff like costumes? Maybe it will be low key with some jazz music, wine and cheese. Or maybe it will be a Hawaiian luau. Or maybe if you have a lot of singe friends you can have a white elephant party. Call a friend for help with the logistics.

9. Personal Spa and Relaxation Day. Include as many of these ideas as you like or have time for. Get a massage, pedicure, and haircut. Take a bubble bath with candles, music and champagne. Give yourself an egg-white or mud mask facial. Line up 2-3 movies to watch in bed while eating your favorite delights: ice cream, chocolate, whip cream, jello, popcorn, finger food hors d'oeuvre, and more. What else would you include to pamper yourself?

10. Reach Out. Connect with friends and family. When was the last time you wrote and mailed an actual letter? Why not do it today? Or how about making some home made post cards with materials you have lying around the house. Cutout some pictures from magazines or from your photo collection and make a mini collage. Maybe just call one old friend from college or high school that you haven't talked to in forever. Or maybe you could visit a neighbor who might need some cheering up too! Bring some cookies!

From TD:

Be wary of who you give your personal information to. I personally have 3 email accounts. One for stuff I sign up for on the web (like DS), one for work, and a personal.

There are, and will continue to be jackasses on DS that will attempt to be "friendly" at first, and then attempt to evolve a relationship to an unwanted sexual relationship.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of consensual relationships that exist here, and that's fine, it happens.

Just be aware, people know who you are, and it will not take long for the majority of the board to find out.

I am also aware that misunderstandings occur, and I could be wrong, if that's the case, I would expect not to hear anything more about this.

However, if it happens again, you'll be reported, outed, and banned from the site, plain and simple.
From me:

One of our newer members posted wondering what a few terms meant so let me try to help:

Nabbing - just a little game - on non-serious threads some of us try to get the next round number like 20 or 30. Sometimes, on a thread that veered into six, someone may try for 69 - it's just how we feel.

Trolls - these are people who invade DS and don't really have a serious issue - it's hard to tell for new people but here are some general guidelines:

a) They have recently joined DS
b) no hugs, friends, photos, other groups
c) repetitious posts with the same hardluck story (ie, David yesterday)
d) for women, typically really huge breasts in their picture; guys are usually impossibly handsome
e) you will see some of the longtimers (ALC, Kimmeee, Frank,
Veech, and others) jump on the person

Banning - the person is deleted from DS and can't post anymore

Ignoring - there is a feature on a person's profile that allows you to ignore that person. That means that you will not see that person's posts.

A lurker is someone who is behind the scenes - he/she reads the threads and posts but never or seldom does any.

STBX= Soon to be ex
fucktard - well that one's easy, same as sbtx

OP - I've seen OP stand for "Other Person" when used in the context of a marital affair or "Original Poster" when used in the context of a message board thread.

MIL - Mother in Law
BIL - Brother in Law
SIL- Sister in Law
OW- other woman
OM - other man
PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder

And from our wonderful Z:

Welcome to DS. I'm sorry for your pain. We know that drill all too well and it is so sad to see someone going through this hurt. Here are the links that a fellow DS member, PGamble, put together. We all care. It's time roll up your sleeves and start taking those necessary steps before we MARCH MARCH MARCH. Do your part and we will walk beside you and you should seek counseling in addition to your daily strength. Godspeed.

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://dailystrength.org/help/cris...

http://www.hud.gov/homeless/index.cfm

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

Lynne

Join the Conversation