Felix,

I am so sorry for your pain and the struggles you are going through. I know your feelings all to well and understand all the emotions you are feeling. I don't want to make this about me so please take the time to read my posts and journal entries to see what I have been going through the last 7 months.

You have to let yourself feel the emotions, cry if you have to cry. It's okay, it's all part of the grieving process that will turn into the healing process. Being together as long as you have that is all you know. You now have to relearn how to be you and as an individual. It is very tough cause there will be memories everywhere you look and do but again that is because of what you had in the past. That is the past, the person you were with is no more, they are a different person and you cannot change that, you cannot change what they are thinking, all you can change is how you are going to handle this tough road.

I am still on this journey myself and trying to turn anything that is a negative and hurting me into something positive. It is still very early in your breakup but you have to come to the realization it is a breakup. A good friend of mine on this forum (you know who you are) told me that no woman is worth taking your life over. The love and respect you had in your marriage and relationship ran deep which is why you are hurting so bad and you honored them by trying to do what you could to save it.

Doing things alone and feeling uncomfortable is normal, you are now going to experience this a lot and it is okay, it's part of healing and making yourself stronger. Start doing routines that are new to you and will be new memories. Rather then going to the same restaurants, coffee shops, movie theatres you use to do together go to different ones. You will not escape the triggers of memories but it is more of how you will deal with them when they happen.

What I am telling myself every hour of every day is "THIS BREAKUP AND HURT BY MY STBXW WILL NOT DEFINE WHO I AM AND WHO I WILL BE" Please take that to heart.

You said you have a small network of support, journal then, write things down that way you have an outlet and it is not being bottled up inside.

I am now writing a novel, please if you ever feel you are in the low point please reach out to me, I am here for you and will support you anyway I can.

With your date coming up, take it in stride, it will be hard, it will be tough, go into it as a business meeting and try your hardest to separate your emotions so you have a clear head.

I wish you all the very best and strength to fight trough this journey to come up roses on the other side as we all are doing here.

Hug goes out to you for strength and support.

Felix there is hope, join support groups.
www.divorcecare.org is great they help
You and teach you about grieving. I have
Been Going for over a year and its only
13 weeks Long. I plan on going back i
Still Need the support post divorce.

I also attend alanon and have a great therapist.
Surround yourself with loving caring people.

Stay away from negative and uncaring people
you are Too vulnerable. Its a process keep reaching
out, join a church.

Let yourself grieve like you would a death. It is
The death of your dreams, marriage, Divorce
Causes so much wreckage. If there is a third
Party it makes things all that much harder.

It is recomended not to DRINK, do drugs or jump
Into a new relationship, it does not help you only
Causes you more heartache and pain.

You must walk thru the pain to get to the other side.
Read what others posts, get into some counseling,
Go see a minister anything.

This is an intense emotional journey, its a time to
Be loving and gentle with yourself. You can come
Out stronger if you do the self work.

((((( hugs)))

Felix,
This is coming from a guy/36 yrs old/divorced/one daughter/recently broken up from a 2 1/2 yr serious relationship.
Although my divorce was very different from yours it was still hell. I made all the classic post-divorce mistakes and ended up hurting myself so much. After this break up I am having all the feelings you are having. They are awful and I don't wish them on anyone.

Here is my advice:
1- Support groups help out a lot. But they can be addictive. Be careful to always keep a balance in everything you do during these critical periods.
2- Join a gym ASAP. You will be emotionally drained so probably won't want to go everyday. Force yourself to go everyday. Trust me on this one it is, in my opinion, the most important advice you can get.
3- Be very careful with your self esteem. It will plummet to the ground if you are not careful.
4- Don't date. Please don't make the mistake of hiding in the wing of another woman. So many guys do that and just end up hurting someone, getting hurt by someone, and hurting themselves. It is the worst thing.
5- Prepare for the worst. (This will sting a little) Your STBXW will most likelychange. She probably already has. She will become someone you have never seen. So prepare yourself for a very heartbreaking scene and series of events.
6- Begin learning about breakups/divorces/self help/moving on. Read as much as you can about this. Losing someone you have loved and who is a big part of you is like a family memeber dying. But with a ironic twist, there is very little closure unless you give it to yourself. Closure will not come from a signed piece of paper. Trust me I expected to feel better when I signed that paper and it was even worse because in my mind it was not final. You will need to start NOW to convince yourself that it is over and give yourself closure.
7- Give yourself as much time to grieve as you need. Mourning period is very important. Cry till you can't breathe everyday for months if needed. BUT very important. Take breaks from your mourning. Make a schedule (sounds dumb and cold) and promise yourself balance in your life. Time for gym, work, crying, yelling, God, family, reading, etc.... but keep it all in balance.
8- Don't force yourself to do anything you are not ready to do except exercise. I like to travel but with my ex. Not alone. And I forced myself to travel and cried the whole time. It was awful. So only do the things you know will make you happy.
9- Hide it all. Every little thing that will trigger a memory from her HIDE IT, GET RID OF IT. It will only stump your growth.
10- Be selfish. She will also be doing the same thing. So be selfish and please TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
11- NO ALCOHOL/NO DRUGS/NO JUNK FOOD (try)/NOTHING that will make your body unhealthy. You will need your health to get through this.
12- Forgive yourself.
13- Daily affirmations. (Google it) In the mirror talk to yourself and become your own best friend.
14- Find a licensed therapist and Go for a session. Don't wait, do it now. If down the road you feel you don't need it, then stop. But it is better to have one than finding one when you are already in an emotional hole.
Better to prepare than to lament it later.

My friend. I wish I was in a better place to be able to give you better advice and more. But this is the best to my knowledge. It is what gets me through my days. It is what is helping me grow.
Take the advice that best suits you and leave the rest. But if I had to force you to do one of these to help yourself, it would be daily exercise. Exercise till you DROP. It is therapeutic

Good luck and I and we are always here.

Hi Felix,
I have recently been through the same thing you are dealing with. I cried everyday for three months. It is hard for sure. But it does get better. Think positive thoughts and keep busy doing anything. Being single and alone does not mean what a loser. Getting better is definitely mind over matter. Take care of yourself.

Hi Everyone, I just wanted to say a quick thanks for the replies, makes me feel I'm not nuts, lol! .

I'm actually getting ready for bed and will certainly write more tomorrow, but for now thanks again!

Sending you a big hug, this whole process
Is brutal. I am 10 months out and its still
a daily Struggle. There is no easy way.

(((( hugs))))

Lots of good practical advice so far.

Many of us could have written your letter. Grief is a terrible terrible emotion - and you will be overwhelmed by it sometimes. But it does get better. Takes a long time. But does get better.

Find a suicide hotliNe number and keep it with you all the time. Just in case. Murphy's law - if you have it, you won't need it.

There is so much good advice here.

I just logged in to tell you that the best thing you can do for yourself is allow yourself the grief. It's not pretty but very necessary.

The worst thing I people do is expend energy trying to avoid it.

Substance abuse, new relationships...it will rear it's ugly head until you work through the feelings.

Give yourself some time.

You can come out the other side of this. You will have peace of mind and a new life.

1st let me say thank you again for everyone whos replied, its greatly appreciated.

There is so much good advice here and I know it, the question how do I get myself to execute it? Im just so stuck right now (like Im sure most of you were)! When I wake in the morning I seem to be OK, but then quickly go into a downward spiral. I cannot stop all the questions in my head, all the regrets, and most of all the thoughts of what the future holds for me which seems so very bleak right now. I know I should live in today and not worry about tomorrow or the future but this is where I am really struggling and cannot control it. I just keep thinking what if this and what if that? This is not something new with me, its just seems to have really gotten out of control now. Stupid mind, lol!

So far this has been a really fast process, she left on 1/15/16 and well be divorced by 4/14/16. There is good and bad in that, well at least in my eyes. I wish she was willing to extend it out a bit, to see if there was any hope left, but she was adamant about getting it done quickly. She said she was doing it for me so I can move on as shes put me through too much pain over the past year and a half. Not sure if I 100% believe this reasoning but that is what she is sticking with. We have no kids and agreed on the division of our assets so we were able to avoid lawyers and are able to just have the court do a simple dissolution. We do have a dog we both love very much, hell be staying with me as I am keeping the house. However she will need to see him (right now its every Sunday she picks him up) and take him for sleepovers on occasion once she gets settled, right now shes at her parents. I have no problem with this, the only problem is this Ill have to see her from time to time when she picks him up.

How do people just change like this? Im not going to sit here and claim I was perfect, or that I did not have my faults but neither was she and so did she. But I loved her and seen past all that and never considered divorce for a second. I just considered that a part of marriage and our life together. We were one of those couples that people were shocked to see getting a divorce. Everyone Ive told said they could never have imagined this, including her family which I am very close with. She really offered no reasoning for this other then she put so much effort into us the past few years shes burnt out and now needs to take care of herself. However this all started when she got a new job working with mostly younger, single males and females, I think this had a huge influence on here. At 44 Im sure she liked seeing the freedom and things young, singles can do without consequence or responsibility. So in the end this is truly why I believe she left, its very selfish and unfair!

Anyway have to get back to work. Thanks for listening and Ill be back later.

Felix

Very well worded and thoughtful comments already on this post; I can't really add anything to what heartspain, Wolfe and the others have said. I actually read this last night but had trouble posting to the website when I went to respond.

So I wanted to make sure to respond today, and welcome you to the group.

"At 44 Im sure she liked seeing the freedom and things young, singles can do without consequence or responsibility. So in the end this is truly why I believe she left, its very selfish and unfair! "

It is!

Now I remember what I wanted to write last night that kept getting deleted when the website wouldn't load.

Your story is familiar to mine as well as many that we hear about or read. I could almost write it verbatim on how almost overnight, she became a different person. My ex went to her sisters on weekend overnight and was never the same. She said, "She went away for the weekend, had fun and didn't want to come back."

She partied all weekend and met a married older guy who showed interest in her. Thats all she needed to throw away all the years of our relationship, just 6 months shy of marriage.

See what I didn't know is all the time she was saying she wanted a commitment, wanted to settle down, have a family, get married, etc. isn't what she really wanted. What she really wanted is the life style she had that weekend. Selfish and unfair, sure. But she won't see it that way because to her, she is doing what she wants and is "happy". Although, all these years later, she is still not married, still partying, and still cheating on others or being cheated on.

She got what she wished for....

" She really offered no reasoning for this other then she put so much effort into us the past few years shes burnt out and now needs to take care of herself. However this all started when she got a new job working with mostly younger, single males and females, I think this had a huge influence on here. "

it is the influence, excuse or whatever. I hate to even say that most likely, there is someone else. People don't just become mean, or turn mean to someone unless that person did something so heinously wrong, or they have other intentions of their own and no longer care about what is currently in their life. Sorry.

"I wish she was willing to extend it out a bit, to see if there was any hope left, but she was adamant about getting it done quickly. She said she was doing it for me so I can move on as shes put me through too much pain over the past year and a half."

I call Bullshit! Isn't she the greatest to do all this for you? She's so thoughtful.

Basically, she is rushing it along because of her intentions, wants and needs. I don't know everything that happened in your situation, but I know my situation and had the unpleasant opportunity to be a part of many others who were in the same boat, and going off of that, her lack of justification, real reasons, the "I love you" one day to the quick transition to (Sybil or Jeckell to maybe be more familiar), her quick judgement to walk away, etc. all lead to someone who isn't being on the up and up.

She's a selfish coward.

As for the dog, while I would like to say its good he can still see her but I believe its only going to make things worse for not only you, but for the dog. My ex took one of my dogs and held him for ransom over me. She never wanted that dog, but used him to get to me. The problem was, that when he didn't get to see me, or did see me then went back to her place, he acted out at her place. Didn't like any dudes she brought home , soiled the floor, barked and was defensive around others at her yard parties, etc.

I guess the point of that was to say, your pup will be effected by it and you may not even know. Just watch his behavior for stuff out of the norm. But for the short term, for her to act as she does towards you, and then expect for you to have to meet her and see her just so she can have one day with the dog, seems selfish. You need time and distance from her to heal, you won't be able to do that. Even though it may only be once a week, the anticipation and angst you are putting yourself through during the week leading up to that, just damages any repair or healing you may have been able to do since she last dropped the dog off. So I would try to tailor off the visits from her. I know she may care about the dog, but when instances like this happen, sometimes we can't keep all that we like or had at one time. This was her decision to leave, she has to come to grips with the fact that she can't keep things as she wants them.

felix,

i have been divorced sonce july 8 2015 oficially moved out dec 2014. i know your pain and i still feel that paon. what you wrote almost sounded exactly me . i was married for 13 years togwther for 15 have 3 kids all under 12. He excuse was that was not happy anymore and dont communicate well. i still cry daily have a hard time sleeping never had anxiety or panick attack tilnthis happened.

i seen therapists taken meds staryed meditating and excersing but still i cant shake this.
i have no advice real advice as i have been teying to figure this out myself. cunt started dated someoje 4 5 months after divorce and still is he stays at my old house with my kids and it drivese crazy absolutley insane with rage fear sadness.

i can keep going but it would be too long. so felix how old are you and where do you live? emaile man we can talk some more eliturner42@gmail.com

Felix,
You asked the question: "Good advice but how do I execute it?"
Ok here is what I can say and please excuse me for being blunt and strong in what I will say. Sometimes we, as men, need a slap in the head to realize what we need to do. I will say it from the heart but firm.

MAN UP. It is hard to do when we are feeling hopeless and vulnerable. But it is the only way.
How do we let go of someone? The same way we would let go of a hot piece of coal in our hands. We just DO IT:
How do we follow advice? We just DO IT.

"But I am emotionally drained and don't have the strength right now." SO? There is no other way than JUST DOING IT.

The faster we get these things through our head the faster we can move on to do things to help ourselves.

Look. There is no easy way to say this so I will just say it. NOBODY is trying to hurt you. NOBODY is trying to keep you down.
We keep ourselves down and we hurt ourselves by holding on to what is gone. It is human STUPID nature to do these things. But bottom line is that unless YOU make a decision to get better you will stay stuck where you are. And making the decision is just a little baby step towards getting better. You actually have to DO the things needed. Understand???
GO TO THE GYM.... ASAP and watch how you regain your energy that your mind is taking away from you.
BUY the book TODAY "The Power of Now" or send me your email address and I will email you a PDF version of it so you can read in your Kindle or computer. It will help you tons.

EVERYONE should know this: Liviing in the past causes saddness. Living in the future causes anxiety. Living in the present moment gives peace.

If you wake up ok and then spiral down during the day it is because you are licking your wounds and living in the past or future. You let your mind wander from what is happening at the present moment.

Right now that you are reading this you are concentrating on what is in front of you and you are stable. As soon as you are done your mind leaves the present and goes to memories of the past, worries about the future, makes up scenarios which don't exist and probably never will exist. You have mental conversations which are not taking place at the moment with you ex or someone else. You are preparing for a future which hasn't come yet. And your PRESENT is affected and your emotions run wild and you are a slave to your mind.

AGAIN: Man up and control your mind and body.

How do I execute this? BY DOING. NOW NOT LATER. Get up NOW and exercise till you drop from physical exhaustion. If while you exercise your mind wanders... STOP IT and say. Right now my mind is on the activity I am doing. I will postpone these thoughts until after I am finished.

Do it NOW and watch how much better you will feel.

Holy Shit LonelyWolf79, what an awesome post, thank you!

And ChiTownBear, what you're saying is everything I've been trying to convince myself of!

Sorry don't have time to write more, just stopping in from work but will write more later..

Just a quick question before I reply. Did she leave for someone else?