In my opinion, if you think you have an issue with watching porn and you want to show you want to change and want to get her trust back the show her. I would let her know you want to go see a counselor on the matter. Show her you want to get her trust back. How is the sex life with her? My sex life with my stbx was pretty much nonexistent so it caused me to view porn at tmes. How often are you/were you looking at porn?

I have told her I wanted to seek counseling / therapy, however right now they are out of state with our 1 vehicle visiting family and our second vehicle is in the shop for I don't know how long. I am stuck at home without anyway to get around, the local counseling that I have found in our area is somewhat expensive and we are a little tight on money right now. I am not trying to make excuses for not getting help, I would like to get help but just don't see how I can right now.

I have told her that I want to change and I want to rebuild the trust in our relationship and she has told me she doesn't think its possible. Our sex life has been non-existent for some time now. Partly because I was getting satisfied from the porn, and partly due to a medical situation that I have that leaves me feeling rather uncomfortable most of the time. Yet another situation I need to have addressed when the money is available.

If money does not allow you to seek counseling then I would suggest doing steps around the house that shows you want help. For example, keep all computer use out in the public for your family to see what you are doing. That is just one example I could think of. But if you she is not wanting to have sex with you she has to expect you to look for relieif for yourself. I think wathicng porn as a result is nothing to end a marriage over especially if both sides have things they need to improve. When was the last time you had sex with her? You did not answer, how often are you looking at it and for how long?

Trust is a hard thing to rebuild, but not impossible. I need to ask, do you really feel that watching porn at whatever level you were at is really that bad or are you just accepting your wife's view of it? To get to a sincere apology, I think it's important to understand exactly where your wife's outrage is coming from. I don't know your wife, but as a woman I feel like I can make a few educated guesses.
1) Her faith/conservative lifestyle - If she has grown up thinking that porn is a dirty horrible thing, then it could be the feeling that you didn't care at all about her beliefs. That you disregarded her and didn't care enough to respect her wishes.
2) Some women (myself included) can take the need for porn personally. Especially if you are not having sex with her, but having it using porn. It shows your wife that it's not that you can't, but it's that you just don't want to with her. It can make a woman feel like she isn't desirable and not enough for you. I think that is a hard feeling for anyone to accept.
3) Lying - This one is worse. When you are married, you give your heart over to have it cherished and protected. She needs to know that you will tell her the truth even if it's hard to hear. In the end, wouldn't it have been better to just admit that you enjoyed porn and maybe try to talk to her about why. Maybe you just don't think it's as bad as she does. Maybe it is just the result of a much bigger problem between the two of you. Either way, when you are married, you should try to tackle these issues together.

You asked, how do you apologize. I would say come from a place of sincerity. Do not just say and do whatever you think she wants to hear. If you truly want counseling, then don't let $$ be the excuse. Many therapists have a sliding scale. I've seen counselors drop their $150/hr fee down to as low as $25. You just need to call around. I believe that actions speak much louder than words. If you really want to hold on to her, get to the root of the problem and address it. It may be just as simple as needing to feel truly wanted by you again. Best of luck to you.

blh123 - Right now it is a money / transportation issue with the counseling. I am willing to go I just need to have the means to do so, and with her being out of town with our only running vehicle, that poses a problem. Yes I agree with the computer issue, I have been trying to refrain from using the computer only when necessary just so she doesn't wonder what I am doing. Its not her that has led to the lack of our sex life, it was me that had lost interest partly due to the porn and partly because of the medical situation that I mentioned before. I know she feels "cheated on" because we haven't been having sex but I have been looking at pictures of other women. We haven't been intimate with each other for about a year and a half.

Emotionalcutter - Thank you for your reply. As for my view on the porn, my feelings are quite mixed. I have been exposed to various forms from about the age of 10. My father always had videos and magazines easily accessible, and then later in life the internet provided a much more broad availability. I feel its somewhat "normal" becouse it has been something I have been exposed to for so long and its so common in society (celebrity sex tapes, leaked pictures, and so on), but I also can see first hand the way it can lead to problems. By all means it is something I can do without in my life. I think my wife's issues with the topic comes from all 3 that you listed.

As for the apology, I don't know what she wants to hear and I don't know if she knows what she wants to hear. I think she just feels hurt and betrayed by all of this.

Right now she is out of town visiting family, once she gets back I will seek counselling and further attempt to rebuild our relationship along with her trust in me (provided she doesn't leave me before then).

And again thank you for your thoughts. Please feel free to offer any additional advice. Right now I need all the help and support I can get. I don't have any family in the area (another long story) and I really don't have many people that I can call good friends. Being home alone for almost 2 weeks now with no one to talk to is quite depressing.

You have told her you are sorry and have agreed to counseling., what more can she ask? The ball is in her court now. Whether she accepts your apology or rejects it. I don't know how long you have been married but, if she wants a divorce over watching porn, it sound like your marriage isn't too strong in the first place. Marriage and true love, stands the tests like this as well as other issues that may arise. It is forgiving and being forgiven that keeps the marriage fires kindled. I wish the best for you.

All i can tell you is " Im sorry" is just a bandaid. Its just sounds nice but the issue isnt just going to be the lie but it will be an issue of you and her being from different worlds and finding a way for them to work together and that in itself is a lot of hard work. The most difficult thing to overcome when a lie is told is the fact you wanted someone to be able to let you make an informed decision.

One example ...my 1st husband lied about his age. I understand insecurities but he lied about his age and told me after we had sex. It was like being with someone i didnt even really know but being the naive person I was then accepted his apology and married him.

Yes I know the "im sorry" line is just a bandaid for a much larger wound. This is bigger than anything I have had to deal with and I am just scared that I have dug myself into a hole deeper than I can get out of. I'd give anything to be able to undo what happened or to just not have done it at all, but as we all know that isn't possible. Now I am just faced with how to handle the issue that I have caused. She doesn't trust me, i have let her down, and I am probably going to loose the one person who really believes in me and gives me strength. I just wish I knew what to say or do to help her see that I am truly sorry and not just saying it.

All you can really do is show her who you really are :-). Ask her just to get to know you as a person and not as her husband. Some people cant seperate that way. This way it makes it easier for her to understand your actions and not to make excuses for them but for her to be able to forgive the "lie" even if it doesnt mean you reconcile in the end.

I have talked to her since they have been gone (2 weeks as of tomorrow) and she is saying she is still having a hard time with this. She said she wanted time and space away for a while to be able to think, because it made it to hard with being here around me. They are 1200 miles away and she is having the same problems I guess. I feel that even if she does leave me she is going to be having some of the same issues, and it would be better to approach the issue that is causing all of the tension. I have talked to her about us both going to counseling, but she is opposed to that she says she shouldn't need to go, she didn't do anything. I am willing to go by myself once I find someone and the means to do so.

In the mean time being as I am stranded here at the house with no vehicle, i have been cleaning the house which has been needing done for quite some time. Trying to make things look better so she doesn't think I have been just sitting around all day and night looking at porn on the computer and chatting with other women.

I'm having a lot of difficulty with your situation. I'm seeing two sides of a coin and while your actions started this mess, her actions aren't any better if not worse.

I'm not condoning what you've done. It can conjure up quite a few ill thoughts for the other person. Lack of sexuality within themselves, trust broken, questioning whether or not something more is going on that they just haven't found out about yet, (like a real affair), and how genuine your love is for her.

On the other hand, for her to think she's without fault in this mess raises my brow a bit. It's like she took her hurt and turned it into spiteful actions towards you. She's done it long enough now where it has turned into resentment and bitterness. It's become a hangup for her and instead of dealing with it as an adult she'd rather put her marriage and family in jeopardy to appease her anger.

For her to think she has no use for counseling only tells me I'm all the more correct in thinking how controlling of a person she is. Someone who is incorrigible because her holier than thou high horse attitude convinces her that anything short of people following her guidelines are to be met with persecutory revenge. Where is her ability to understand we are just people, people who can and do make mistakes? Where is her ability to accept a heartfelt apology and forgive? She doesn't have any problems? Yes she does.

Don't get me wrong. Porn is one step from an affair and affairs rightfully do end marriages even though some have forgiven the actual deed and survived in their marriages. Unfortunately you are dealing with someone who lacks the ability to look beyond the thorns to see the rose.

I understand you love her, she's your wife. My advice is to prepare for the worst. You may have started this 'mess', but her 'mess' will likely end it. It sounds like you've sincerely apologized. I don't think she's adult enough to accept it.

Larry- I think part of the reason she doesn't want to go to counseling is she had a some issues of her own in her past that I don't think she wants to dig up. She has a problem with trying to bury her problems instead of trying to deal with them, and then later they resurface and cause her to feel depressed and angry. So im sure that's part of why she doesn't want to go, and I think the other part or another part may be that she doesn't see that what I did was her fault so she doesn't think she needs the help. When in fact she does need some help, she is struggling with a lot of different feelings right now and its really bothering her, but she would have to be able to trust an outside person enough to open up to them. I am just trying to be supportive and let her know I am trying to be better. I try to find things to be grateful for everyday, one of them being she hasn't found the means to file for divorce. I know it probably sounds pathetic, but every day that we are still married I have hope that things will work out. I don't really have anything else to give me hope at this point.

In my personal opinion I think Larry is "right on the money" here! Reading Larry's post brought up some things inside me, plus SadinPhoenix what your Wife has already made notion to about counseling just makes me shake my head and become very worried for you here.

For me, during my relationship with my ex-fiance, she to at various times during our relationship made it very well known that "people like her don't do counseling"! Granted Porn watching wasn't any one of each others issues. But the issues that were there were pretty serious, serious to the point that several times I recommended for us to seek out some treatment and possibly get some of our respective issues resolved.

Nope, wasn't going to happen, for some reason my ex-faince was taught by her Parents that "people like us don't do counseling"! Granted we're all entitled to have our very own unique views upon things. But when there's a problem, big enough or serious enough that it might warrant getting some professional help, and the person your with either makes it known that they "have no use for such things" or like with me, "people like us don't do counseling" it really speaks volumes towards their stability, character, education and ego!

The reason I am worried for you SadinPhoenix is as Larry touched on is the fact that you now need to "prepare for the worst"! I'm not saying that your relationship is bound for the toilet, I'm just saying that with people like my ex-fiance, who would rather let pride, ego, vanity, and up raising dictate the end of our relationship just on the premise that "people like us don't do counseling" and who wouldn't take my advice and the advice of some others and was told to seek out some professional help before it was to late. Nope, she resisted, she made excuses, she used others, including my self as convenient "escape goats" as to why she didn't help contribute to any problems, no, no, no, it was the guy down the street's fault, not mine!

So in essence my ex-faince ripped off her nose to spite her face and wouldn't get the help needed. And here I am, exactly 5 months later, alone, in therapy, in support groups and trying to better my life! Where is she? Gone, she ended our engagement and relationship pretty much on the basis that "people like us don't do counseling"!

Try not to fall into this trap! Maybe you'll have better luck but jump into some therapy first, be a little proactive about it, see if she'll follow! That's what I did, I got myself into therapy while my ex-fiance was still here, she saw it, she belittled it, she judged it, she resisted it, perhaps by you doing so you will have better luck!

I hope the best for you, but again when it comes to people who think therapy is no use, or they have no use for it, or people like us don't do counseling..........to me, it scares me!