#14 is right - all kids take it differently. From what I have seen, they are amazingly resilient little things. Best case scenario is that you and your ex can agree to put them first. If that isn't possible, you at least can do it. And it will ultimately build a better bond between you and your kids.

You got this.

Have lots of tissue nearby!

I will be leaving with my own two biological children in about 2-weeks. It will be tough telling all the kids why I'm ending this relationship. BUT, one thing for certain, the kids need to know that they will be fine, happy with their own parent or whatever arrangement there is. They need to feel safe, loved whether by one or both in my case. Kids are resilient, but just make certain they feel safe, secure!

ridiculously crazy how similar Strongandsilents story is to my own.. we didn't share the reason 'why' with our kids that first night.. and my thoughts were following exactly what she said - trying to preserve even a piece of the relationship, and I didn't want my kids hating their dad either..

once the kids and I moved out, I got the kids into counseling, and one of the first questions the counselor asked my son (13) was 'why did your parents get divorced?'... and his answer was 'I dont know, they wont tell me.. its an 'adult' thing apparently..'.. and the counselor asked if she and I could speak alone.. she said to me

'you need to tell him.. secrets kill families, and its not YOUR job to defend your ex anymore.. its not YOUR job to portray him as 'the perfect dad' to your kids.. its HIS job now'

.. and she was right.. and to top that off I was getting ALL the anger from my kids focused to me!.. because I'm the one who physically left our home, and took them with me.. so naturally since they didn't KNOW the reason, it was my fault..

I told both of my kids the truth that night.. and our relationships changed dramatically.. I've learned to STOP hiding truths from them, to stop the rose colored glasses, and just tell them how it is.. and be sure they know I'm ALWAYS here to talk to them.. to help them through their feelings..

there is no right way to have this conversation with your kids.. every family is different, and everyone handles stress in different ways.. in hindsight I would still do things the same.. but I'm glad they know the truth.. my big take away from that counseling session was 'lies kill families'.. and its soo sooo true.. being honest with them is truely the best way to go.. best of luck

mynewnormal, when you told your kids the truth, what exactly did you say? Your father found someone else to be with? Or something like that? My daughter hasn't probed much on the "why" but I'm sure it will come eventually.

19# you didn't ask me, but since i'm an ass, and have a hair up mine

" i love my wife, i love mommy, not my choice".....(this was right after she said that she was not happy in her marriage)

about 6 months later, i told my kids the truth "i never saw it coming, her unhappiness that is, i became aware that mommy found another man, i never saw that coming either, she choose not to reconcile"

then I told her ver-FUCKING-batem what i told my kids


(my reasons
1) i thought one or all of them might know she was fucking around
i could not leave anyone of them alone with that
2)
3)
4)

are all as valid as number 1

the other top 100 are all reasons that i vetted

you may think i'm an ass but i thought of sall the petty, shity, veneguful reasons, and asked some people i trust, people being a few close family members, a few clergy members a different demoninations and faiths, a counselor, a lawyer -- family law

some of whom agreed / some did not

most agreed that i was being honest with myself for the right reasons at least


as their father
as a man
as a man that knows he will meet his maker
i can sleep with that

Refurb your not an ass.. your human, and everyone handles bullshit in different ways.. and I truly wish NONE of us ever had to be dealt this hand.. but we're all here.. in this same shitty boat.. making the most of what we have left.. and trying to build something stronger and better for ourselves.. we all have the same goals, our journeys may differ.. but our goals are similar..

My exh was cheating on me.. and the morning I found out I went ballistic on him.. and my children were home.. asleep in their beds.. it didn't take me long to rein in my voice and take the conversation outside or even stop talking to just calm myself down.. I was blindsided, and disgusted.. I remember saying to him 'does our family mean NOTHING to you?? you'd risk losing everything for her??!'.. my children heard that.. my daughter 9 knocked on my sons door (13) and said 'D, wake up! daddy had an affair!'... I left the house at that point.. I just couldn't deal..

after calming down I lied and told them no, thats not what happened its between daddy and I.. it was just an argument.. but it didn't take long before we had to have the actual talk with them.. I couldn't function.. I was crying all the time.. and the kids were clinging to me asking if I was ok.. I honestly thought they thought I was dying.. so we told them we were divorcing.. that was all we told them that horrible night..

but yes, after that counseling session, I told first my son, then my daughter seperately.. that their dad was seeing someone else.. my son was angry.. and hurt.. and betrayed.. it was horrible to watch and have no answers.. he just cried.. and I just held him.. he called me a liar.. for saying at first that it WASN'T an affair.. and I tried to explain I couldn't deal with it then.. and its painful still for me to even talk about.. he understood that.. and I was quickly forgiven..

my daughter didn't understand.. I think she was just to young to connect the dots.. but she knows her dad has a girlfriend now.. and that they were dating while we were still married.. I'm hopeful at some point that conversation will come up with her again, and she can understand the twists and distortions of that relationship.. but for now I'm grateful for her quiet accepting nature..

like I said.. its a painful conversation.. but it really helps to be honest.. kids know, they just know.. and if your honest with them, they're more likely to be honest with you.. trust is a two way street, and they know that too..

"Secrets destroy families"
"Not your job to make ex the perfect father - his job"

Thx MNN, will remember these.