Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I’m currently going through a divorce and I’m really struggling. My husband and I were together for 9 years of my life, from when I was 22 until now, 31 years old, almost a full decade. We’ve been married about 4 years now. Our 4 year anniversary is next Saturday and I’m having a tough time with accepting the divorce and moving on.
After we got married, I quit working and stayed home. I had had some bad corporate experiences up until that point that I didn’t know how to navigate and stressed me out, including catching one company essentially committing accounting fraud. I was also going through a terrible estrangement with my family of origin and then my cousin died of cancer when he was only 31. I felt suicidal and alone. My husband supported me through all of this, taking me to therapy and supporting me both financially and logistically for the past 4 years. He even told my therapist that he was okay with me staying home and not working.
2 weeks ago, he told me he wanted a divorce. I felt blindsided. He said that he had never been okay with me not working, but he never knew how to express himself. He said that quarantine and not having to travel for work allowed him to process emotions he had been bottling up, all the way back to high school, which is why he only realized now that he didn't want to be with me anymore. 2 nights ago, he recently told me that it became too much pressure for him to stay married to me because I was too focused and dependent on him. I really had put everything I had into that relationship.
Now, I really feel very alone. I’m scared of navigating the future without the one person who had been my support system. I don’t really have anyone else in my life that I’m as close to so I don’t even know who I can talk to right now. I haven’t ever really been alone in almost a decade. I don’t know who I am without him. I oscillate between shock, denial, and depression. How do I help myself heal through the grief and pain, accept the divorce, and start moving on?
-
Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
-
I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
I would recommend calling up that therapist and asking to talk to them for individual sessions. You can do phone or video chat sessions, too.
Usually the decision to divorce doesn't happen over night. That it is something they've been thinking about for awhile. So, don't think this just suddenly happened with him. He really should have talked to you if he was "so unhappy". You really should feel anger at him now. If he couldn't just come and talk to you sooner, then that is on him. He is not a good communicator. You wouldn't want to stay married to someone who is capable of just ending it and blindsiding you.
As hard as it is right now, you need to get a divorce attorney to make sure you get what is yours, you need that therapist, and a financial advisor.
You are going to be okay. Take it one day at a time.
I think from what you've expressed, he's been a supportive husband for most of your marriage. He has given you his reason for wanting to end it, and his feelings up to that point.
If you want to stay in the marriage, the conversation to be had can be therapy for both of you, and working on changes to improve your marriage.
One of his issues is your dependency on him. Sometimes it's easier to focus on someone else and make them a priority on our life than face our own issues. I would seek professional counselling and maybe read about codependency.
When I left my codependent relationship, I felt just like you described. I felt very alone...and had people I could confide in, but I didn't want to tell them what was happening. I felt very alone. A therapist was very helpful.
You will have to become your own best friend. I remember seeing a movie alone for the first time, it was highly emotional...but I did it. I learned to do things by myself...one thing at a time and enjoy my own company.
Until I started feeling better, the idea of socializing and meeting new people was very far away. However, you will get to the point where you feel ready to meet new people.
The end of a marriage is in itself a death. Their are 5 stages of grief and you will be oscillating back and forth between them. There is no time limit for when it ends. But you will learn to acknowledge when it's happening, be kind to yourself, and not beat yourself up for the intense emotions.
Further on your journey...it will help to remind yourself of who you were BEFORE the marriage. What did you like to do? What were your dreams or interests? Doing some of those activities can help regain your sense of self.
You are stronger than what you think right now...and sometimes life forces us to face things we don't want to...but some amazing healing and growth can come from it.
Sending you light and love!
I continue to feel heartbroken about the situation, but I’m not at all interested in prolonging a painful divorce or going after his money. For now, I’ve moved back into my parents’ house while I try to pick myself back up and find a job. I never married him for financial support so I’m really sad and hurt that the situation has devolved into this state.
I really loved him, but his parents have never liked me. After he told them he was going to leave me, they immediately went into, “We completely agree and support that decision and here’s why.” And then they put the idea in his head that I had been controlling, manipulating, and isolating him, despite the fact that the entire world is currently in the middle of a quarantine and pandemic. I just felt so hurt and angry because I didn’t feel that was true at all. In fact, I thought it was complete projection because I actually think his parents are very controlling and manipulative. For example, whenever we had meals at their house, we had assigned seating. We were told where to sit so that the social hierarchy was clear to everyone present. His dad would always sit at the head of the table to signify that he was #1 and then my ex husband would sit at the other end, to signify that he was #2. The events lasted 6 hours and it consisted of the same men bragging about their latest accomplishments at work or most recent vacation. I would say maybe 5 sentences the entire time. I never felt welcomed, appreciated, or that I fit in. For some context, I was also the only non-white person in the room (I’m Asian) so I felt doubly ostracized.
I do see that we had some incompatibility problems in hindsight, but my emotions are still raw from having to give up the life and identity that I had been living these past 9 years. I’m really trying to put myself out there and find myself again, but there’s fear in me. I’m 31 and I haven’t been single in 9 years. We’re also still in the middle of a pandemic, which makes things more difficult for everyone.
I really appreciate having this community. Your words, advice, and companionship are immensely helpful to me right now. Thank you for continuing to help me sort through all of this. I also want to help support all of you as well.
I do agree that that was probably what I did, looking back on it with hindsight. It was easier to focus on my ex husband externally rather than confront my own issues, which were overwhelming me at the time. He was a very supportive husband and I was probably codependent, which is why I now feel very weak and ashamed of how I wasn’t strong enough to take care of myself back then. It’s something I’m going to have to do now anyways, so I keep asking myself why I couldn’t have just done this sooner?
Everyday gets better bit by bit, but it hasn’t even been a month for me so I am trying to take it slow and be kind to myself.
After much self reflection, I find that it’s the fear of being alone which scares me most, not even necessarily losing him. My sense of self and ego strength is something that I continue to work on through therapy, self reflection, and meditation. How did you overcome your codependency and learn how to be independent? I am struggling with what the first steps to take should be.
Sometimes...it takes so much work to be "perfect." It's like an invisible thread pulled so tense on both ends...that a puff of wind would just snap it.
When this snap happens...we want to just give up trying. Give up trying to be someone, do something, and want something. Why? Because all of that hard work still caused us to fail. It causes us to fall into a deep depression. It was less work to just admit that we aren't good enough...admit defeat and give up on life...and just let go of control.
Sometimes...it's our loved ones who try to save us, and make life easier for us. However, saving someone else most of the times involves taking away their responsibility, violating their boundaries, and taking away their self confidence.
Although the intentions were good...it damages a relationship. Your husband was trying to rescue you, but in the end it took your self confidence away...(which you needed to empower yourself)...and made you dependent on him...and him resent you.
That was what went thru my head when you said how you felt "weak and ashamed of not being strong enough to take care of yourself back then...why couldn't I do it sooner?"
It's only been a month for you...and you have made leaps and bounds over what I had.
How did I overcome my codependency? Well...my therapist is the one who introduced me to the word. I didn't like it lol. I didn't understand it...and I didn't want to be labeled as codependent.
I realize I was programmed as a kid...to have certain thoughts, behavioral patterns, and reaction patterns. Much of that was very codependency training. When my relationship turned abusive, I resorted to a lot of my codependent behaviors to have some sort of control. But we don't realize by doing so...avoiding the inevitable...a hard look at yourself.
The first steps you should take...is educating yourself on the topic. There are a few popular books...Melody Beatty (I believe)...and sometimes it can get confusing and extensive in explanation. I think reading articles online, reading other women's stories...and then sitting back and reflecting on my own patterns...and setting forth a plan to change a habit.
For example, write down a codependent behavior of yours, then below it write a better behavior approach...and make a conscious effor to practice it...until it feels normal.
Esteemology.com blog by Savannah Grey is amazing! She is a therapist who suffers from codependency herself...and has great short articles on codependency, self esteem, and other great topics.
You're doing great Alietta...and I can clearly see you have a lot of self reflection abilities...and a great desire for learning and healing. You will never be alone again, when you finally are there for yourself.
Sending you light and love!
I think it’s time that I take an honest look at myself and my own behavioral tendencies and patterns that were shaped by my family and my past. I’ve been running away from it for years now because I felt too weak to face it. What kills me is that my husband truly did love me once upon a time, enough to try to “save” me, and I lost that love. But maybe that’s also the codependency talking, because it fears being alone and misses having the familiarity of a comfortable safety blanket. Maybe what I truly need to learn now is how to stop relying on others and how to rely on myself. Even just the thought of it evokes a fear based reaction within me where I feel sorry for myself for having to be alone. As I explore more, I do see my victim mentality talking, as it frames being alone as some sort of pitiable state.
I’m going to do the things that you suggested, beginning with reading the book, the blog, and the exercise. You’ve been a great source of help and growth for me during this. Thank you to you and this entire community. Truly, I’m grateful.
I know you said you don't want his money, you will get your own job, etc., and that's great. But, you are entitled to things because you were married. It was a joint legal agreement. Please do see a divorce attorney and have a consultation. You may regret it later that you didn't get what you're entitled to.
I’ve really thought about what you said about seeing an attorney, but the truth is that I feel kind of bad about myself already for taking so much from him, both financially and emotionally. I still love him, even today. He’s already financially supported both of us the entire 3 or 4 years that we’ve been married. I’m the most sad and ashamed about using up all of his love. I don’t want to take more from him. We agreed that neither of us would see an attorney alone, or that if we did, we would at least let the other person know. I’m still in a somewhat awkward position where I haven’t found a job of my own yet (it’s only been 2 weeks) so despite the fact that we’re separated, I’m still depending on him for financial support, even now. I don’t want to create any animosity or mistrust between us. Even if our marriage is over, I want to at least be able to look back on the end of it with dignity, grace, and respect for myself. But thank you, thank you, thank you for your advice, your support, and continuing to engage with me. Really, just you validating that his family is weird made me feel much better! You really made me giggle and I feel like I haven’t done much of that lately.
https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/77983/11-tips-ovid-how-get-over-breakup#:~:text=%2011%20Tips%20From%20Ovid%20for%20How%20to,When%20you%E2%80%99re%20nursing%20a%20breakup%2C%20you...%20More
Some of the suggestions are extremely valid, some are humorous. But who doesn't appreciated a bit of humor while going through a breakup?
I’ve been working with my therapist, journaling, praying, meditating, reading, all of the “healthy” coping mechanisms. They’ve been helping me self reflect, process, and accept a situation where I feel very powerless,
He initially blamed me for the divorce, saying I was too codependent and that was the entirety of why he was leaving me. As it turns out, this was a lie. As always, he is not very good at expressing his feelings, but very good at scapegoating me. After much research, self reflection, and working with my therapist, it turns out that I am not actually codependent after all. I have a very healthy sense of self worth, I have no trouble setting boundaries, I can express my wants and needs, and I can tell other people no. It was my ex husband who could not express his needs so of course, he projected that onto me.
We met in person again for the first time and had a long conversation where he could finally explain to me what he was feeling and why he made the decision to divorce, which he has never been able to do before. Even after he left me and I am no longer in the picture, his terrible parents continue to scapegoat me for everything, to the point of making him mad. For example, no matter what he would tell them, they would respond with, “we’re worried about you, you’re being manipulated.” In short, they continue to not listen to him, or really anyone, and push their own agenda onto the situation and he finally acknowledged it to me for the very first time. When we were together, all he would do was defend, defend, defend. This was the first time he has ever apologized to me for mishandling his parents and acknowledged how big of a role they played in the demise of our marriage.
I’ve come to accept that it’s better that we divorce now rather than later, since it seems like this was going to happen anyways. At least we don’t have kids together and I’m still young enough to be able to find a different partner. Even the way that he handled the decision to divorce confirmed my feelings. He stewed over the decision on his own, then acted on it alone, without ever really being willing to even try to work on the issues or give us a chance to try. When he was done, he was done. Although it is his right to behave however he chooses, I still felt quite blindsided and powerless. I deserve a partner who will respect my agency and also be mature enough to communicate his needs and wants clearly.
I’ve cycled back and forth through the many stages of grief and I’m finally headed towards acceptance, very slowly, one small step at a time. I’m currently looking for new friends, more like minded people who might share my common interests and/or values. I want to be appreciated for the value that I bring, rather than always feeling shamed for falling short of rigid expectations. So if you self identify as a mature, compassionate, and kind adult who may also be interested in video games and/or music, please consider being my friend :)
As always, thanks so much for all of your kind and supportive words! You guys are great and we will all get through this together, somehow.