Got a text from my wife today saying I should start packing up the house and get things cleaned up so we can be moved out soon. She wants me to rent a room with a friend of ours that is getting divorced, since he will be needing extra money and so I will have a place to stay. This is all just very depressing to me and I am feeling very alone. I try and tell her I love her and that I am sorry, but I don't get any reply. It just makes me sad to think that I have ruined our marriage. I feel like I am going to throw up, I feel that sick right now.

Note you are under no obligation to leave.

I think she is a little dominant and unreasonable. What you did was somewhat wrong but forgivable. It would help to discuss some other aspects of the marriage. I was suprised she had the nerve to tell you where to live and when to leave when these are obviouisly mutual decisions.

Well we are still paying the bills with both of our money, still have a joint checking account. She doesn't want to keep paying rent and utilities on this house if she isn't going to come back and live here and she knows I can't afford it on my own. What she told me is to pack up everything, get moved out and with the money we would be saving we could afford to file the divorce papers. At this point I just don't know what I am doing.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. She does sound a bit pushy to me telling you when to move out and where to live. Despite the issue you've described, were there any other signs that this could be coming? The reason I ask is that my wife told me she was unhappy with our marriage and it came out of the blue. Intimacy stopped at that point. I was blamed for a lot of things; not affectionate enough, focused on the family too much, focused on work too much, didn't get home repairs done, disconnected from the kids, blah, blah, blah. I had the same thought as you...what can I do to show her that I'm not the person she thinks I am. I made changes, I bent over backwards and I couldn't figure out what was going on. When all was said and done, I found out she has been having an affair (emotional and physical) for probably about a year.

She has checked out unfortunately and it sounds like she is done. So now you need to focus and figure your future out. Get the transportation figured out so you can work, losing your job is no good. I tried all the talking, pleading and convincing too and it's a waste of time, once they've checked out it's done. You might look at the possibility there is someone else in the wings. The whole porn thing sounds pretty petty to end a marriage especially with kids. And she is the one putting your daughter in the middle getting her a phone and having her text their itinerary. That's wrong. Think about yourself and your kid now. Good luck.

I honestly don't know what I am doing at this point. When they left 2 weeks ago she said they would be coming back soon and had wanted me to get some things done for when they got back. Now she doesn't know when she's coming back but wants me to pack up the house, box our things separately and store everything so when she figures out where she wants to live it will be ready. I don't know, I just try and get things done like I am supposed to as I can.

So she just takes your daughter till whenever? She won't even discuss further with you? Maybe you need to see what your rights are. I don't know you guys personally but doesn't seem right to take your daughter with no return date and tell you what you have to do. It does sadly sound like she is done:(

Yeah she's pretty much doing whatever she wants and I really don't have a say in the matter. I am so depressed and worn out from all of this I don't have the energy to argue. She is angry from the incident over a year ago, for a while before this summer we were doing good I don't know what caused her to rekindle this anger. I've been trying to do the best I can with everything but its just not ever enough. Whatever I do just seems to be the wrong thing.

I am sorry for your pain. Wish I could say something to help. Hopefully you guys can at least discuss some stuff on matter. Sending thoughts.

Well she texted me tonight and told me that she doesn't hate me and that even though we will be living separately things wont really be that different. From my perspective they will be a lot different, for one I haven't lived alone since I have been married to her. I guess now we are just supposed to let things be and just be friends. The more I go through this the LESS I understand about relationships and how to make them work.

I know how you feel. My stbx says she doesn't hate me either (same can't be said the other way right now...but I'm working on that) and there is a genuine affection for me, but this separation had to happen. She doesn't think things will be that different, but I feel like it is a LOT different. It sounds like your stbx pulled the Band-Aid fast where mine was a long, slow, hair removing pull. Try to stay healthy and stay strong for your own sake. The situation sucks and will suck for a while but it will get better. Take care.

I saw this from another site and thought it could be helpful.

Start doing the "180" -- this is a 180 degree shift from many things you've probably been doing in the past. The 180 is for you to begin healing and getting stronger, become more clear-minded; NOT to necessarily try to win her back. You can't control her actions, but you CAN control yours:


1. Dont pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Dont point out good points in marriage.

4. Dont follow her/him around the house.

5. Dont encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Dont ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Dont ask for reassurances.

8. Dont buy or give gifts.

9. Dont schedule dates together.

10. Dont keep saying, I Love You! Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Dont sit around waiting on your spouse get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Dont push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If youre in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they (the wayward partner) are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your lifewithout them!

17. Dont be nasty, angry or even cold Just pull yourself back. Dont always be so availablefor anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that youre missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Dont be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. Its not always about you! More to the point, at present they just dont care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It aint over till its over!

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things dont work out with the affair partner.

Long day at work, and as the day went on was feeling more and more down. Wasn't really sure why until I realized what day it was. Its Sunday, 3 weeks since they left.

Some days are better than others, and some days are just down right miserable. I am slowly managing to cope with what she wants, but its still a drastic change from the normal daily life I was used to. During the day I would call or text her to let her know how things were going on, we'd have dinner usually when I got home (either we'd cook or I'd pick up something on the way home), sometimes we'd all 3 play games or watch TV. None of that happens anymore, anything I do is by myself and I have come to realize I hate it.

3 weeks down, the rest of a lifetime to go....

hoping things have improved...sorry for your situation:(

Things are about the same, she is still planning on moving forward with the divorce. I am still home alone and lonely. She is planning on driving back to get some of her things and leave me the car & possibly renting a car to drive back. I have good days and bad days, my better days are usually when I am working and don't have a lot of time to sit around and think about all of this.